So what now

[Zandara]

My story

It seems i have very similar experiences to many of the people here, for health reasons i never took the final step. Maybe that was an excuse and i got scared of what was involved. I suppose part of it is that I grew up in the 50s and 60s when Transexualism was a taboo subject. It was not illegal like being gay but a man in a dress and acting as a woman then was in real danger of being attacked in the street or at best would be regarded as some kind of freak.

Also the surgery even in the 80s (when I was diagnosed TS) was not as good and I would have been basically myself with breasts and no penis. I was tall 6ft 2in and well built so I would not have been convincing. Things are much better now Transsexuals are accepted as part of life the surgery is better and discrimination against them is illegal.

I am not religious I wish I was. It would help with the hard times when the thoughts and desires make things very difficult.  But I do believe there is something in reincarnation. Just maybe it would explain why we feel we are in the wrong body. Just suppose in the last life i was a woman and some of the memories of life as a woman carried through to this life it could explain why i feel i am in the wrong body. Hopefully if I stick it out next time around I will get what I want and be a female again.

I think periods of depression are part of what we are. Mostly i can handle it but I did have one bad time when I thought of suicide and actually began planning how to do it. In the end I am still here maybe I did not have the courage maybe the pills kicked in before I could do it.

For me the Transexual thoughts and desires have never been full time. Like now they get intense and life is difficult for 2 or 3 weeks then they fade way for a while . They never go completely but i am able to live something like a normal life until the next time. From what i read on the forum most of us seem to have periods when GID is intense and periods when it is quiet. For myself if they were there 24/7 day in day out I would either have had SRS despite all the drawbacks or i would have  taken the suicide option and not be here now.

After 2 years without a period of GID i really did start to think just maybe i had accepted what i am. And i am not hoping against hope that a miracle will happen and i will wake up female one morning. Then pow it comes back with a vengeance and i am finding it hard going again.

Really its just finding some way to cope and like most here I am not going for SRS but at times it is hard. Any tips on coping with the hard times would be very welcome.

[BillieTex]

Zandra have you spoken to a counciler on these feelings, every life is precious and every soul is special. I know those feelings well, i most likely will never be who i am on the inside on the outside. but still i know who i am and nothing will ever change that. speeking to someone who understands really helps. i always feel better when reading what others have gone thru and when they make it to dream come true time it gives me hope for the future. but for now, as has been most of my life, i stand alone. wishing you the best and sending a prayer your way (even if not religious it can't hurt)