Thanks, Kate.
I remember that thread. It is a good one.
I know that what I'm doing might appear as a purge (I hope it doesn't come back to bite me like one), but for now, I'm looking at it as a side step. My personal history is not like most people's. I was born into a house of severe domestic violence. I spent some years moving around to foster homes then back to my real mother where for the last third of my youth, I was a latchkey child with no role models or even simple discipline. I've only recently realized that my gender issues are separate from my other issues. Fortunately, I have finally put a lot of the past behind me. I have no formal education after high school except for an occasional college course. My job pays well for this area, however, it is barely enough to support my girlfriend and I.
I said all that because it's sometimes difficult for people to get across who they are from only knowing each other through a forum as opposed to hanging out.
I am not denying my nature, though. I just want a little time to better understand myself. The process of receiving HRT was a stressful one for me. It called for me to travel a lot which was costing too much. I could see that I was going to have some financial problems if I kept going that way. My home life had also become stressful. It is very important for me to have a stable home life due to the experiences of my childhood. I know that few people live happily ever after, but I know that I can make it better than it was becoming. I'm also sure that by reconsidering my approach to understanding my GID that I can bring my girlfriend along with me for the ride. She is already on my side, but needs some assimilation time.
As for me, well I still need to work on a presentation. I still have nothing going on there. I want to know that I can carry myself well. I'm hoping that while I work out some of the knots and details, that I can also start other processes such as electrolysis. I guess I'm trying to do some of the work within my comfort zone. It is ironic because I have no problem explaining my condition to people, but I have a severe block when it comes to my gender expression. I don't know if the block was placed there by the adults of my childhood, but I'm pretty certain that it's been myself who has propped it up and given it reinforcement.
I really need to work that one out. Another irony I have is that I have no problem with behaving extremely feminine and yet, I don't find it easy to express myself through my clothing. I believe this is an important aspect of a successful transition.
I am very happy to have your advice and support. You have been an excellent example and role model for me. I know that I cannot stop this GID and that there is no cure. I'm not afraid of it anymore and I'm not trying to hide it. I just want to handle it as well as possible.
I am and always will be Rebecca.
Love,
from no one other than Rebecca
Quote from: Cindi Jones on May 03, 2007, 05:51:49 PM
Amy T wrote:
QuoteI have noticed that MtF TS especially sometimes fall into the trap of thinking in a binary context
1000 110 10101 01011 011010 11000 111
No, I don't think in binary... but I do grok your point. The world is not binary and if we see it that way, then we fall into the same traps as those who persecute us.
This IS the hardest issue to deal with. "What am I and how do I deal with it?"
Patience and education helps, but action creates resolve. If you are doing something, you are making progress. Even if it is in the wrong direction it is perhaps a good thing, for you will reach a dead end and know with some assurance that "this" is not for you.
Does identity shift? I don't think so. I believe that those of us who do not know "what we are" are searching. At some point in life, hopefully, we figure it all out.
And then we can go bird watching.
Cindi
Hey Cindi,
I'd like to figure it out
while I am watching birds.
Sounds soothing.
Love,
Rebecca
