Can a wife become more accepting?

[MaidofOrleans]

I'm glad i'm straight. I could never got far enough with a woman to where is could have a meaningful relationship especially get married. It was one of the main factors in my transition.

I'm going to have to agree with Alaina on this one.

[blueconstancy]

Yeah, in this specific instance, I agree. It's been going on long enough that if JoAnn were willing to moderate her attitude, there'd be signs of that already.

[sandrauk]

I'm going to be more optimistic.

As she said, your marriage was over 20 years ago, but she's still there. At the time she was probably very fearful about what the future may hold. She's subsequently found that thing's could be just fine.

Fear of the future shouldn't be underestimated and if it turns out that your friends are accepting, as they probably will be, she may change.

There is also the aspect of not wanting to encourage. My wife will often answer with "it's what you want" and honestly this is the most we can expect.

Even though my daughter is probably one of the most gay friendly people I know (even to the extent of having no best man but a best woman (who was gay)at her wedding ) , my wife will still hide clothes, shoes, me from my daughter, and my daughter has known I dress since she was four.

Expecting my wife to fully engage with something that neither she nor I understand isn't going to happen.

Expecting her to speculate on what might happen should I do such and such, will likely get her reacting with a worst case scenario.

When I'm out and about she'll ask "what if someone we know see's you". If I tell her I was out and someone we know saw me she'll say "don't worry about it, so what?"

As difficult as it is, you need to try and see things from her point of view and help her to understand that she  won't be seen as a weirdo.

Would it be possible for her to meet some FT MTF's?

[Beverly]

I'm going to be more optimistic.

As she said, your marriage was over 20 years ago, but she's still there. At the time she was probably very fearful about what the future may hold. She's subsequently found that thing's could be just fine.

I would like to be proven wrong and the '20 years' thing is the only ray of hope I can see. Only KathyB knows this lady well enough to judge what her words truly mean.

I have worked hard to keep my marriage going. One realisation that helped is when we decided that whether everyone else calls us lesbians or not, we know that we are still us and we will not care how others label us. For us, the fun of being together, or being there to help each other and of being best friends is the most important aspect of our relationship.

[JoanneB]

KathyB - I am a bit curious after reading a few of the follow on postings. You said your wife has "known" for 20 years. Has she seen or experienced Kathy between then and of late?

My wife has known of my trans something nature from day one. Over the ensuing 30+ years she has seen me go through an average monthly need to dress to sometimes weekly when things were stressfull for me. At first she tended to leave the house so that I would not feel self conscious or worse. Over time she began staying in. For the most part it didn't bother her seeing me dressed.

Up until recently she figured that I was just an occasional cross-dresser. It was my response to stress, to escape. She also knew of my previous experiments with transitioning. I guess figured it was a phase since there was no follow through. I pretty much tried hard to convince myself that all I was was a CD plus on the scale. I felt wrong since I was about 4, my desire to be a woman never abated. Thanks to plowing my energies into my profession I was kept pretty well filled with diversions, distractions and denial to help me pass the decades.

It is just past the 2 year mark for me telling her about finding and attending a TG group. Although she has always known, this step was a shock. We both have been on emotional roller-coasters since. She sees the handwriting on the wall plain as day. She knows all too well what a step like this leads to. No matter how much I tell her I don't want to or cannot transition for a host of very good reasons it is getting more difficult for me to believe it.

Over those two years she has grown more accepting. As I mentioned before my happiness is what is important. She also knows all to well the alternative route many trans people take when life as they know it cannot go on, they simply end the pain and their lives. Only after a recent major life event for us has she seen I am in it for the long haul with her and will not abandon her. That has helped her to become more supportive. At times even talking about me currently, or at some nebulous future point, being a woman. Now... If only I can start accepting that 

[kathy bottoms]

Thank you for the optimism Sandrauk, and Blueconstancy.  And no Joanne, she hasn't seen any more than small pieces of Kathy.  I kept hiding that side of me as much as possible in order to stay together for the sake of our sons.

This post was supposed to be about my inability ot read JoAnn's emotions, and how those will lead to changes in our futures.  But the post grew, and it's caused an introspection of me, and my emotions.  Hell, I can't read myself, so how am I supposed to read JoAnn.  I'm not upset about how the post changed because it's good for me.  Guess I'm a little down today, and it hurts to go over the last seven months again and again.

My sons, daughter in law and grandson got back from Utah last evening.  I wanted to come out so badly last week that it made me uncomfortable to talk to them when they stopped in.  But we only discussed their trip, the wedding they attended, and of course our grandson.  And so life goes on, and I'll be sitting down with them in six weeks anyway to open up my little world so that they can see the conflict inside. 

I'd like to stay with JoAnn to live, travel, and in some way still have compassion ten years from now, but that's fading.  It's really is up to her how she deals with me in the future.  I can't fix this any more than I can fix my being transgender. 

Kathy

[kathy bottoms]

Joanne:  I forgot to say thanks for posting that. ...  Hugs.


And Peky, I'll keep your ex in my thoughts.  Take care. 

K