Recently the mental balance in my dreams seems to be rapidly shifting towards my feminine side, over these past few weeks, and it's been very interesting to say the least. After all it's quite a shock for me to suddenly realize I've been living a lie for 25 years, since I just noticed about 2 months ago. I'm getting lots of dreams about my past (more specifically times I've shown my feminine side) and dreams where I'm in the opposite gender role. Mostly just mentally, but occasionally I even look like "Marciel"(or what I believe to be my feminine side) in some of them. I loosely described her appearance back in my introduction. My dream recall has been at an all time high lately, because I'm just starting to confront my inner demons. Even if it's still at a mostly personal level.
I've also been finding it hard to concentrate lately because I keep getting flooded with memories(and lost in thought) I've repressed for so long now. Whenever I sleep my subconscious mind really has a large mess to clean up/ make sense of. I'm finding myself surprised at just how many instances there are in my past that went unnoticed or quickly became forgotten/repressed. Things I worried about in the past are starting make a bit more sense now, and my fears seem less irrational( it's hard to deal with fears if you don't know the reasons).
It's almost like I slammed open the flood gate of my mind, and it's all rushing out. I guess it's better that it happens now, than another 10-25 years down the line. Eventually "Marciel" is going to get "her" way (or simply become one with me, since she's always been there), it's just a matter of how long...
It's bound to be an interesting journey though.
I'm probably going to need to discuss it with a professional, since one can only get so far alone. Though now I'm starting to think I may not quite be ready for that yet, I feel I may need to sort it out a bit more on my own first. That could just be me procrastinating again, like I so frequently seem to do. The other problem though is I'm not really in a financially secure point in my life, given I currently have no job and am on disability(social anxiety/phobia).
~Gray Seraph
