Really want to come out to my Dad but not sure if I should or not? :icon_help:

[Shana-chan]

 

So a quick run down of what you need to know. I got a late start in life but am an adult however my Dad is my representative payee, he's going to soon be taking me to get my hair cut, get interview cloths and also take me to a couple of places to hopefully get a job at. (Interview) I'm dependent on him to get to the Doc, get groceries and go anywhere far away. (Though those are usually the only 2) I don't have my license yet or a car, he said if I can get my license and get a job then he'd get me a used car. I am getting help from the government and have a bank account which he naturally deals with since he's my representative payee and pays my bills for me though the money is running out and atm he is loaning me the money to pay my bills then paying himself back when the money from the Government comes in a few days later. (Otherwise I'd be in big trouble) I've yet to get a debit card from the bank and right now I have spoken to him about me being my own representative payee, getting my debit card and anything else that would make me independent and he is REALLY happy to hear that and wants me to be so but it's going to take time. (Hope I haven't left anything out) Anyway I have small breasts look to the left for my gender/way I feel (My body is a male's body according to birth but I prefer female) and I "may" be intersex. I'd like to tell him EXACTLY how I feel but given the above, I'm not sure if I should since I dunno what he'd do or how he'd react and I doubt he'd believe me on being transgendered and say I'm confused. The Doc I'm seeing is a sad excuse for a Doc imo and I can tell he doesn't care about me, sadly, my Dad is not willing to take me to another Doc who'll accept the insurance I have unless they're close by but he doesn't think there's another close by who accepts my insurance. I'd REALLY like to get another Doc tbh, preferably female since I do better with females than males.

Now that you know my situation, I'd like to know if ya'll think I should tell him or not and why? Also, given the intersex possibility I'd like to show him two articles on it, how docs decide whether a person is male or female or intersex and how common it really is. I figure I won't post them here since this is getting long enough but if you want to read over them I'll gladly PM them to you so just ask. Anyway I'd like to tell him I believe I may very well be intersex after showing him the 2 articles and hopefully he'll believe me. Baka Doc said it's only when you're born but the article I found says it can happen at Puberty too, which 1-3 years before I hit puberty is when I got my breasts. Also, I want to tell him I am transgender. (Hem, can I be transgender and Intersex at the same time?) But again I doubt he'd believe me and say I am confused. Oh also he said this "If you're planning on becoming a girl (More serious tone here) then you better not tell me." Last thing you should know is, like all of you, I too suffer from depression and sadly have had some suicidal thoughts in the recent past though I'm not going to give up if I can help it. It'll solve nothing, still with a new job, being forced to wear male clothing and being constantly called "sir", -_- I fear my depression will get worse and I'd really like to see a Gender Therapist asap but if I have to wait for me to be fully independent then that'll at "least" be 1-2 months (If not more) and even then, I'm not sure if my insurance will pay for my sessions and for hormones which I'd like to be on. Also is a therapist the same thing as a gender therapist? If not what're the differences? Also any thing (Preferably short article) you think will help convince him I might be intersex that you might have would be appreciated if you can link me to it? After all thanks to what the Doc said, if these 2 articles don't convince him then he won't believe me.

So anyway I think that's everything, sorry for the long post but please,  I don't know what I should do here?

[Ltl89]

This is a very complex situation.  I don't want to say the wrong thing, so I just want to wish you lots of luck. 

By the way, I found it interesting that he told you not to tell him if you plan on transitioning into a woman.  That suggests to me that he knows something is up.  No father says that to their "son", in most cases. 

[Shana-chan]

@learningtolive: True it is which makes it all the harder and no worries, I understand and thanks for the wish of lots of luck. Yeah I found that interesting too but I guess he suspected it due to a few things I've said/hinted at in the past as well as me growing long hair and of course, growing long nails and now painting them too. It took a while to get over the fear of wearing my Nail polish out in public without hiding it and even now it's still somewhat hard at times. Still he's never FULLY accepted who I am and has only ever half accepted who I am. Btw, is there another name you go by here?

@Casey: Thank you for what all you said. I'm hoping others will post on this matter too since the more that do, the better I can determine what I should do. Again thank you.

[Shana-chan]

Sorry for the double post but an update.

I decided not to tell him right now. The main reason is because it'd be bad if he wasn't helping me and on top of that, he made a VERY UGLY comment about my hair clips that I was wearing so yeah, keeping it from him as long as I can until I get fully independent (or as much as possible) and the good news is, I'm already looking for a job.

[musicofthenight]

Oh wow.

Shana, I'd love to read those articles.  Now to be honest, the answer to the question "am I intersex" if you have typical male genitals is almost always "no," at least as far as I know.  There are so many points where development can deviate from typically male that if you make it to the end, everything was working maleishly.  Body-wise at least.

But...

By the way, I found it interesting that he told you not to tell him if you plan on transitioning into a woman.  That suggests to me that he knows something is up.  No father says that to their "son", in most cases. 

...this.  Oh, this.

That is really weird.  At the very least he's unhappy with your feminine expression.  It would be very consistent with him hiding something.  This is worth digging into, I think, sooner or later.  Here are some ideas.

- I agree you shouldn't rush to label yourself to him.  Labels are shortcuts in thinking.  Prejudices are also shortcuts in thinking.  If you give a prejudiced person a label for yourself, it's a little like giving a diabetic a cookie.  Outing oneself may be a well-intentioned, positive, intimate, and trusting gesture.  But if someone isn't ready to handle it, you'll just make them sick.

This is a terrible metaphor.  I apologise.

- I would confront him on the intersex question.  Straight-up and a little aggressive on this one:  "Dad, I have to ask.  Is there something I should know?  Did I have an intersex condition?"

Then you let him steer the conversation.  This is how many people (maybe men a little more, but it's universal) work through uncertainties.  He might discover the following things about you.

- And the reason you're asking is because sometimes you think you're not as manly as he expects.
- Because he said you shouldn't tell him if you're becoming a girl.
- And "manning it up" isn't something that comes naturally.
- You wonder if there's something wrong with you.
- Or that you'll lose his support.
- You're not "becoming" a girl.  (A technicality.  You already are who you are.  So you say "no" and leave it at that.)

Half truths?  Well, yes, yes they are.  But if they are true, go with them.  He can't ask

I can't guarantee that he has fathering instinct, but he probably does.  Dads are, naturally, ->-bleeped-<-s.  But if you can gently express vulnerability and needing his protection, you'll probably be surprised at how far he'll go to take care of you.

And if he asks "are you a girl?" directly and gently - watch that verb: "are" not "becoming" not "feel like" - then and only then would I risk coming out in that first conversation.  "Well, I'm a boy too."  No label, just who you are.



Now if only I can dare to raise the painful issue I have with my dad.  *sigh*

[Ltl89]

Btw, is there another name you go by here?

Oh I'm also known as the hippie empress, Comrade Tsarista, and the one and only LTL.   

No, I don't have a name yet. 

Sorry for the double post but an update.

I decided not to tell him right now. The main reason is because it'd be bad if he wasn't helping me and on top of that, he made a VERY UGLY comment about my hair clips that I was wearing so yeah, keeping it from him as long as I can until I get fully independent (or as much as possible) and the good news is, I'm already looking for a job.

Good for you.  It's smart to be as independent as possible. 

[Shana-chan]

I COMPLETELY forgot to say this earlier. You know how we block things or just forget them? Well a while back I had gone to the Doc, explaining that I might be intersex (for the rest of that story read the 2nd half of my 1st post here) well I can't believe I forgot this and it didn't hurt me too much nor does it now so I can't say if I just forgot or blocked this memory but when I was on the phone with my Dad (This was around the same day I brought this up with my Doc) he said that unless I have a vigina, then there's nothing I can say to him to prove that I'm a female. That's also when he said "if I'm planning on becoming a girl, then Id better not tell him." It's sad I forgot the first half of what he'd said there but remembered that 2nd half. He also said something to me which made it sound like he believes that "only" those who're born with both a vigina and a penis are IS which isn't true at all. So given what he said there, I know nothing I show him will convince him otherwise especially since he's blind to the truth. Tbh, he's NEVER accepted but half of me. I'm sure that'll never change and tbh, at this point I don't much care. While he is helping me out, his parental instincts just aren't there much. He's not the best Dad but at least he's there for me right now. I know he's a better Dad compared to many others but it's a shame he's not the kind of dad he should be.

@learningtolive: If that's the case how does the name Olivia sound to you? And thanks. I believe I've made the right decision in not telling him yet.

@night: I'll PM you the articles when I can. From how you wrote, these articles "may" change your mind on how one is born intersex or not. The way I see it is if you were born with even 1 female organ/body part and vice versa then you're intersex. That's just me though.

No I gave hints and said certain things when I shouldn't have. (Was careless) I know given what I forgot to say earlier (Written at the top of this post) he won't believe me no matter what I say or show him. (Because that's how blind to the truth he is) And that was actually a pretty good metaphor. Thanks for all the advice.

Sounds like that's hard for you and you're fearing the worst. I'm going on something you said though. I'll continue this in the PM I send you since I figure given that something you said, you might not want to talk about it out in the open.

[Ltl89]

Well if his standard for being a female is possessing a "vigina", than it appears no one is female.

Even though your father is opposed to it now, it doesn't mean he can't or won't come around.  Try to look at it objectively.  It appears your father loves you very much and has taken you under his wing and cared for you for a long time.  This doesn't seem like the sort of man who would caste away their child.  While he may say hurtful things, that doesn't mean he really believes everything he spouts out.  Many times families can be irrational at first when it comes to dealing with a transgender child.  In my case, my mother who is the best mommy ever completely broke my heart by reacting very harshly when I came out. Now, things are still tense and not perfect, but we continue to have a relationship.  Families can stick together and make it through the dark times.  Try not to see the one flaw in his character and remember all the good he has done.  I'm sure you what him to see you in the same light.  Getting to this sort of mentality helped me make major positive changes in my relationship with my mother.  It may work for you as well.

Having said that, I do think you are smart for developing a backup plan and trying to become as independent as possible. 

P.S.  Olivia is pretty, but I don't think it is quite me. 

[Shana-chan]

Clearly a miss type. I meant Vagina. (And so did he)

I'll send you a PM after I post this but I'll say this much. My "Dad" isn't as great of a Dad as you think he is. Still at least he's here for me now.

Thanks.

Understandable and good luck on coming up with a name.