Dealing with the big "D"

[insideontheoutside]

I have a haunch I'm going to post a lot of random things in this new board!

I know not everyone has dysphoria, but it's probably something that a lot of trans* or even some non-binary folks deal with. I know I've had my fair share of it. As individuals we all have our own triggers and levels to which certain things bother us. I truly believe that one of the top reasons people do transition is to help alleviate dysphoria.

So if you're not transitioning now or not planning to and you have any level of dysphoria, how do you deal with it?

While I'm sure a lot of this is going to be personalized, it might be helpful to spark some ideas for others.

One of the very first things I ever did in an attempt to feel better was to get some proper underwear. Crazy how much that did for me! And it's something that can pretty much go unnoticed by anyone else (unless you have a significant other who has no clue yet). I have had male clothes throughout my entire life, but I can see certain other items of clothing might have an impact for some people too.

[Jamie D]

Cross dressing certainly can be a way to deal with gender dysphoria.  It can be a way of reconciling one's gender identity with one's gender presentation - even if it is just article of clothing or accessory.

So, underwear?  Sure, why not!  It validates how you feel.

[King Malachite]

When I'm having extreme lower dysphoria, I wear my packer but in general, I just play video games.  That helps some, being able to play as a guy, and if I have to create a character, that helps to so I can relate to him more.

[Tanya W]

Wow - I was about to log off, get on with my day. Then I saw this thread and thought, 'Maybe I'll take a quick look...' Big mistake! I could probably sit here all day listing off ideas, experiences, questions.

I, too, have to work with dysphoria. As I recover and heal from a bunch of other stuff in my life, I realize how pervasive this feeling has actually been in my life. 'Oh, I thought I was just anxious!' 'Oh, I thought I was triggered around abuse stuff!' 'Oh, I thought that was about addiction!' Yes in all cases - but also no! Both physically and socially, gender dysphoria can be pretty big at times for me.

Giving myself permission to act more naturally makes a difference - more feminine clothing and appearance, getting giddy over things that truly excite me like Taylor Swift and the Gilmore Girls, Anne Hathaway (yes, I know the world is supposed to be hating her right now, but...) and Julia Roberts, being with women. My trans/queer admission has also helped.

One big thing I have been working on lately is allowing myself to actually feel my body, to settle into my body. Much to my surprise, I recently learned I usually don't. For one I really don't like the 'maleness' of it, even more, however, it is challenging for me to relax into how 'female' my body often feels from the inside. Really - breasts, hips, smooth skin, the whole deal!

Learning to inhabit and be at ease with this has made a huge difference! I actually feel good sometimes! And my therapist - back to my therapist - really sees this as a game changer. "If you can actually begin to inhabit who you are like this," he says, "you might find you can be yourself in your life."

It's exciting, but scary too.

[Gina Taylor]

On the contrary, I started with cross-dressing when I was 15 and then it just escallated into what I am wanting today, which is that I am a woman. Plain and simple. But due to certain things, I can not transition the way that most people can, so I am content with doing things my way, and so I shall remain as a pre-op. 

[Beth Andrea]

I thought this was going to be about getting a divorce, LOL....

Wow - I was about to log off, get on with my day. Then I saw this thread and thought, 'Maybe I'll take a quick look...' Big mistake! I could probably sit here all day listing off ideas, experiences, questions.

I, too, have to work with dysphoria. As I recover and heal from a bunch of other stuff in my life, I realize how pervasive this feeling has actually been in my life. 'Oh, I thought I was just anxious!' 'Oh, I thought I was triggered around abuse stuff!' 'Oh, I thought that was about addiction!' Yes in all cases - but also no! Both physically and socially, gender dysphoria can be pretty big at times for me.

Giving myself permission to act more naturally makes a difference - more feminine clothing and appearance, getting giddy over things that truly excite me like Taylor Swift and the Gilmore Girls, Anne Hathaway (yes, I know the world is supposed to be hating her right now, but...) and Julia Roberts, being with women. My trans/queer admission has also helped.

One big thing I have been working on lately is allowing myself to actually feel my body, to settle into my body. Much to my surprise, I recently learned I usually don't. For one I really don't like the 'maleness' of it, even more, however, it is challenging for me to relax into how 'female' my body often feels from the inside. Really - breasts, hips, smooth skin, the whole deal!

Learning to inhabit and be at ease with this has made a huge difference! I actually feel good sometimes! And my therapist - back to my therapist - really sees this as a game changer. "If you can actually begin to inhabit who you are like this," he says, "you might find you can be yourself in your life."

It's exciting, but scary too.

Yup, all same same with me. First thing of clothing I wore (iirc) was women's panties. I'd gone from "tighty whiteys" to boxers (my ex wanted me to at least try them out; I suspect she wanted my parts to be "free" and hoped it'd increase T levels, thereby making me "more of a man." (Her words)...Couldn't stand boxers. Tried going back to TW...couldn't stand those either. They just felt...wrong, somehow.

That's when I was just starting to read Susan's...and I decided to buy (my first purchase) some panties, and never looked back.

[YBtheOutlaw]

before knowing i was trans, which was like 6 months ago, i was planning to live my whole life in solitude. i planned to have a breast reduction surgery since they were very bothersome, and live in my own place with no family. i would have lots of friends, but no spouse or family. i would wear all the male clothing i wanted, watch porn if i needed sex, and let my life flow on until i die and rot away. i didnt worry about genitals as i was not gonna use them. still i wanted a wife and children, but since that was not going to be a reality i would live in such a way dysphoria would have minimum effects on my life. the very idea of having to marry a man someday freaked me out a lot, so i had firmly made that decision. but that was 6 months ago, before i stumbled upon this place. i have many plans now, much vivid and exciting than the earlier ones. even if it costs the love of every person i know, i will take the course i have planned. afterall, this is my life and it should happen in the way i prefer.

[Lauren5]

and if I have to create a character, that helps to so I can relate to him more.

Why I love playing RPGs, especially Mass Effect and Fallout.

[DriftingCrow]

Its best to keep myself busy. Like the old Protestant saying "idle hands are the devils playthings" I think more about not being seen as the proper gender when I have nothing to do. It hasn't bothered me much lately since I've been non-stop busy the last few months.

Also, like stated above, I might go out in "guy mode" on weekends if I've been forced to present female for quite awhile.

[insideontheoutside]

Nice responses. Interesting to see how clothing has come up for others too. Even the experience of procuring the clothing can be nice. Shop people usually don't even look twice at a "female" buying male items and most don't even care about a "male" buying female items. They all just figure you're buying them for a significant other or something (and that's always a good excuse if you need one!).

I had done the whole "be your REAL self online" thing on different online communities. I guess it's like the online gaming thing with a character in a way. The only bad thing about doing that is when you meet people who you actually become friends with and want them in your actual life there comes a point where you have to level with them and tell them the truth. It's not as bad as in person, but still feelings can get hurt and you never know how someone will take it. Actually two of my really good friends who do accept me and know the real me I met that way.

I do have a packer also. But I have my own "unit" so I modified the packer so things set right, for lack of a better way to put it. I don't often wear it out. I found that wearing it to bed kind of helps if I'm having a bad D day.

Finding a hairstyle I really like helped too. It wasn't just a confidence-in-my-appearance thing, it really did help with just my general acceptance of myself and consequently helped with the general dysphoria too.

Exercising has helped. It's one of the few ways I can change my body. I'll never be one of those ripped gym-bodies, but putting on the bit of extra muscle I have has gone a long way. Also increased my shoulder size a bit (which meant I needed to do some new clothes shopping!).

[VeronicaLynn]

I know not everyone has dysphoria, but it's probably something that a lot of trans* or even some non-binary folks deal with...One of the very first things I ever did in an attempt to feel better was to get some proper underwear. Crazy how much that did for me! And it's something that can pretty much go unnoticed by anyone else (unless you have a significant other who has no clue yet).

You might not be able to choose what you are born with between your legs, but you can choose what you wear between your legs 

Not sure I will ever wear panties on a first date or hitting the club scene trying for a one night stand, but that's what I wear the rest of the time. Bikini or thong style, not all frilly. On those occasions, men's thongs and bikinis work, though I wish there were a such thing as cheap men's bikinis. Seriously, why isn't there?

[Milou]

I'm a male and I'm somewhat comfortable in being a male. I do rather want to be a girl and I think I feel a certain amount of GD (whatever that really means). However, I'm quite content with my life right now and don't feel any need to transition. For me, distraction works best. I really like music, friends, sports, video games and other entertainment (anime, series and movies).

[Cindy]

Well as others have said as a MtF I cross dressed before I accepted myself. It made me able to cope. Even now that I'm FT I will wear some sexy lingerie if I'm feeling like it. I'm damn sure I'm not the only woman in a meeting wearing cute lingerie while chairing a meeting, and I'm equally sure that some of the guys are too.

Who cares?

I feel good that is all that matters. If they feel good, great.

I'm pretty sure if any male member of my staff came in wearing a Nun's outfit my only comment would be that it's a nasty habit

[Blinded Wolf]

I was reluctant to do so at first, but shaving my face every couple of mornings has really helped calm me down. I didn't want to feel smooth or girly, but shaving has actually helped me pass and seems to be thickening my skin a tad.

I wear exclusively male clothes 24/7 but I think my biggest trigger will be alleviated once I have my chest lumps lopped off. These things are perky, large and essentially impossible to convincingly bind.
I won't start HRT until I get them removed so they're really holding me back.

Lifting weights and actively avoiding social situations where I know the gender groups are going to split off has helped, too. Nothing like being told the 'guys are going to do guy stuff' while the ladies part ways to go (... er... chat about wieners and try on one another's pants?) elsewhere, thus leaving you sitting completely alone.
I can sit alone at home doing something productive, thanks.

I also paint/sculpt/write, but I've done those things since I can remember. I tend to get very meticulous and become entirely absorbed in my work so I can always rely on being distracted when I initiate a new project.

[Jamie D]

I'm a male and I'm somewhat comfortable in being a male. I do rather want to be a girl and I think I feel a certain amount of GD (whatever that really means). However, I'm quite content with my life right now and don't feel any need to transition. For me, distraction works best. I really like music, friends, sports, video games and other entertainment (anime, series and movies).

Hi Milou!

"Gender dysphoria" is simply the feeling that your gender identity is not in sync with your biological sex.  The dysphoria can vary in intensity.

[Milou]

Hi Milou!

"Gender dysphoria" is simply the feeling that your gender identity is not in sync with your biological sex.  The dysphoria can vary in intensity.

Hi Jamie

Yes, and that's exactly the problem. It's the uncertainty not belonging to each gender. Right now I feel cis, but at times I feel trans.

[LordKAT]

Genderfluid is a real possibility too.

[Sephirah]

Meditation, breathing and visualisation exercises.

When physical dysphoria is too much to handle, I remove the physical aspect entirely. Get in touch with the more important, intuitive, primal aspects of myself.

Usually, returning centred and with a few new insights about myself, and other stuff, is enough cope with the disfigured meatsack for a while longer.

[insideontheoutside]

I also paint/sculpt/write, but I've done those things since I can remember. I tend to get very meticulous and become entirely absorbed in my work so I can always rely on being distracted when I initiate a new project.

I find that being immersed in my artwork is definitely a distraction as well.

[Tanya W]

When physical dysphoria is too much to handle, I remove the physical aspect entirely. Get in touch with the more important, intuitive, primal aspects of myself.

This points to something I have been wondering about a great deal. What if those times of heightened gender dysphoria are, in fact and for me anyway, an invitation to engage both self and other in a different way? Put another way, a call to step forward into my experience in ways that have not to this point been my norm?

Historically my two main responses - not my only responses, but historically my main ones - have been to withdraw from or mask over experience during intense dysphoria. These have kept me alive to this point, but they no longer feel like the best options for me. So what then?

On a few occasions recently I have found myself able to actually inhabit my female self while having this male body - a few, short-lived occasions - and the effects have been notable. Ease. Relaxation. Openness. Last night, for example, I actually found all of you folks residing within the tender ache of my feminine heart. It was so moving!

What if, I am wondering, gender dysphoria has something to offer me? And possibly the others around me? And possibly this world? I can't believe I am saying this about something that has resulted in so much *&^% pain for myself and others, but this is one place this thread is leading me.

I'm sure we have all heard about the unique contributions transfolk (if you will allow this term here) made in certain indigenous cultures. I always think that this is because such cultures encourage these people to contribute. Of course this makes this so much easier! But what if the main dynamic in these contributions is not cultural acceptance but, instead, personal willingness to go where the dysphoria leads? Into intuition. Into art. Into mediation. Into healing. Into wherever?!?