I've posted this to 2 other sites on the Internet, but with not much luck (meaning I got no response or replies yet), so here goes...
I've had 2 sessions with a therapist: 1 was this past Tuesday and the other 1 was last week and Wednesday. Sorry to say I came worst off with the last session not walking away with any solutions - just a lot of heartache and frustration.
I've exposed/revealed myself to her like I've never exposed/revealed myself to anyone in this lifetime, ever, what with the array of questions she was asking / bombarding me with. My SO knows some of my pedigree (meaning my whole life story) but seriously at the end my 2nd (and unfortunately last) session the only thing I got from my therapist is that I'm complicated... Really? The one person that holds the key to hooking me up to support groups, clinics or referrals to the pros has shut the book on me.
Was I too revealing? Did I confuse this woman that's a so-called professional in her field? Did I shoot myself in the foot at age 41 just because I want to find a solution to my life-long plight now that I'm older and wiser?
I've prayed, wished and hoped for the longest time possible for something to happen by itself, but it never did. Praying to whatever god (if any does exist) to just give me the female form that I was meant to have - let me just wake up in the morning and I'll never ask for anything else in my life again... but no. Wishing... you know when someone asks you to make a wish before you blow out the birthday candles, or when you see a shooting star? Hoping... hoping that aliens would somehow come, maybe even abduct you, and use their latest state-of-the-art out-of-this-world technology to molecularly reconstruct your body to match your true sex... Yes, wishful thinking.
Pity when I had ADSL for the 1st time in 2005 that I didn't even know the word Transgender to describe me, or that I don't have to sit and wait, and wait, and wait... Yes something happened in 2005 whereby I had to step back into the closet (I used to cross-dress just to fit the bill, normally during winter time every year) - my SO tried to commit suicide (another long story with a topic of a different kind).
And while I had a whole lot of distractions, I tried to every now and then keep in touch with myself... nothing serious, or maybe it was. Like getting rid of my earrings in early 2010 so that the piercing I got myself for my 21th have all but closed... Anyways.
So I started to reawaken again (slowly) on exactly the 30th of June 2013, 14 days after my 41st birthday - the day I was finally alone without my SO and 6 year old daughter (back then - she's 7 now).
Well, as you can see I've gone and do exactly the same as what i do in job interviews, and in recent times, my last therapy session, rambling on and on... probably shooting myself in the foot again. But to come back to the point of being trapped still and everyone just wanting me on anti-depressants, hoping that the female in me will somehow go away, with not a cent behind my name to afford to go to a different gender therapist for a 2nd opinion, etc. - what do I do? What other solutions is there? I mean I've Google'd, I've Google+'d, I've Facebook'd, my SO tried to contact a TM... But all to no avail. Everyone around these parts (South Africa) seem to be so effing underground, protecting their identities so badly, therapists charging so badly...
Hell I'm starting to be at a loss for words, and in the meantime my tears having dried up as well as I try to fill the blank that just occurred with the following question: Where to from here? I'm not getting younger and the damage(s) from the last 8 years of self-neglect is going to make it much more difficult to panel-beat this whole exterior of mine to perfection, let alone that (what was shared with me is to believed) the overall period for this whole process can take up to 6 years...
So what to do in the meantime while trapped, broke and with no available resources or assistance (willingly or paid for) locally readily available... Do I just serve out my life sentence as it was handed down?
Or am I just complicated, like the doc said?
Another thing that I have to get of my chest is this: the therapist asked me, "So if you can switch gender, to which sex will you be attracted to?" And I answered: "To women."
So if a heterosexual man should turn into a homosexual woman, what would be so complicated about that? My preference stay the way it is, which makes me think...
Does all gender therapists (automatically) assume that when you're TG/MTF that you'd prefer males when your female?
