Needing some comforting words

[Dennis]

I just went for a walk with my ex. Her invite, not mine. For some background, I'll say that we were together for seven years and legally married. When I told her that I was seeing a therapist about transitioning, she dumped me within 15 minutes and refused to spend another night in the same house as me.

She asked when I was going to change at work. I said later, when I pass better. She said, "you think you'll pass???" I said yeah, most guys do. She said, "I just saw R (a local trans guy who I haven't met yet) and he looks like a woman with a beard." I said "yeah, well you knew he was trans so that kind of coloured your perception no doubt." She said "no, I didn't. Before I knew he was trans I thought that guy looks like a woman with a beard." Then she went on about how I've worked in this community in a fairly public role and people know me.

God why do I let her shake my confidence like that?

At one stage she was telling me I was being defensive (no flippin wonder) and I said that we seemed to have issues about this. She said, "I don't. You do."

If anyone has anything comforting or supportive to say, I'd sure appreciate it. The cross-over at work is my big point of anxiety at work and that has just shattered a lot of the work I have done to defuse that.

Dennis

[Susan]

No actually you are right she does. Hormones work wonders for the FTM TS it even helps with the voice, body mass, and so on. Wish it was the same for MTF TS's. The might eventually come around but the question you have to ask now is do you really want her to. Once you make that decision the rest will fall into line. Keep us informed because you are a part of a family who will support you no matter what now. This one.

[4years]

One way to answer if for yourself is to look at a lot of images of FTM after transition.
A google on FTM transition brought up this page which may (or may not!) help seemed useful.


From what my uneducated eye has seen I'd never guess. It is SO much easier for a FTM to pass I think. As Susan mentioned Hormones work wonders.

Besides FTM generally still have the luxury of being obscure. I.e. fewer people looking, etc. Though this is location based of course.

I saw a tv program a while go of a university lecture in which I had to triple take at the speaker. He was male, though his voice struck me as female. *shrug* A guy with a strange voice. All right.

When you said most guys pass I think you are exactly correct.

For what it is worth were I you, I think I would keep her at arm's length, if that close. I am critical of my people though.

Hang in there Dennis

[Svetlana]

When I told her that I was seeing a therapist about transitioning, she dumped me within 15 minutes and refused to spend another night in the same house as me.

i can't imagine quite that reaction in anybody who didn't have their own issues with the subject beforehand.  it has to make me wonder possibly if she's "in the closet" about that... or perhaps took a dim view to or had a bad experience with somebody else she knew going through something that was or seemed to her like a transition.  unfortunately, some people who are mentally unstable seem to latch on to transition as a possible "way out", as it were.  perhaps she knew one such person before.

she seemed to have no qualms whatsoever about shaking your confidence deeply.  either she doesn't care about you, she has a talent in not noticing when she's being blunt or she has a strange way of expressing things (either or any is possible).

again... the sudden reaction "i don't... you do (have issues with this)" seems very defensive.  maybe she needs some help getting over some things herself.

talking to you like that, she shouldn't expect any sort of help back, of course.  then again, one of the most rewarding things to do in life is to exceed such expectations.  although you might just be pushing against a brick wall... i can't tell from here.  up to you if you think it's pointless or not.

as for you, there doesn't seem like anything whatsoever up with you, from where i sit.  and in my opinion, don't even bother about fretting over whether or not it's easier or more difficult for an FtoM to pass or not pass, or any such thing like that.  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.  of course, many of life's complications hold up such ideals... just make sure that's where you're ultimately headed - towards living as you truly are, over a not unreasonable length of time.

i don't know how different it is for us MtoFs compared with you FtoMs, but i know that i don't pass, and i never pretend to be a bloke.  so neither aught you pretend to be a bird, unless circumstance truly forces it of you (ie. death threats).

[beth_finallyme]

as for you, there doesn't seem like anything whatsoever up with you, from where i sit.  and in my opinion, don't even bother about fretting over whether or not it's easier or more difficult for an FtoM to pass or not pass, or any such thing like that.  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.  of course, many of life's complications hold up such ideals... just make sure that's where you're ultimately headed - towards living as you truly are, over a not unreasonable length of time.

i don't know how different it is for us MtoFs compared with you FtoMs, but i know that i don't pass, and i never pretend to be a bloke.  so neither aught you pretend to be a bird, unless circumstance truly forces it of you (ie. death threats).

excellent way of putting it Svetlana, especially this

  pass or no, you're a man, and that's who you are, so you've got to live for yourself.

i'm saving that one, (exchanging man for woman)


beth

[Rose Dawson]

Keep us informed because you are a part of a family who will support you no matter what now. This one.

Absolutely! I, for one, am happy you chose to share your thoughts, feelings and concerns with us on such a personal matter. I will do my best to offer what support I can.

As you transition, the last thing you need are negative and hurtful people surrounding you. This is a time where the support of others can make or break your transition. As Susan has said and I continue to reiterate, that's what we're here for. As you said, she's broken your confidence on your ability to pass and this isn't something you need right now.

I recommend you write a very sympathetic letter to your ex and explain to her that you know this is difficult for her to accept and she will need time to digest. Empathize with her on how hard it was for her to hear that her partner feels like she belongs to the opposite sex - but at the same time, gently tell her how difficult it was for you to make such a disclosure and by doing so, you were expressing faith that she would accept you for who you are and not what you look like.

This may also be a good time for you to express your need for time apart from your ex. Let her know once again that you know this is hard for her to accept and as such, you feel you both need some separation while she comes to grips with your decision. Make it known that you still care for her and will be there when she's ready to talk about it without hurting you. Until then, you can't be surrounded by negativity.

I hope this helps. Let us know how things turn out.

With much love and support,  
Rose

[Dennis]

Thank you ladies, you have met and exceeded my expectations. I think you're right, Lana both in that I suspect she's in the closet about something gender-wise, and she is either so blunt she doesn't know what she does or doesn't care.

Dunno. I really shouldn't let it bother me. But it does. Thanks again for making this feel like home.

I'll post a pic when I'm feeling more self-confident Right now I'm feeling like some kinda girly man dammit ><

Dennis

[Svetlana]

i understand that.  quite often i get things that bother me even though i know full well precisely how and why they shouldn't.  it's just human nature i think.

i don't know quite why but i feel myself kinda drawn towards t-boys, sympathetically.  never figured that one out.  maybe it's a mothering instinct, i dunno?  but if it's not uncomfortable i feel like giving you a great big virtual *hugz*.

anyway, i'm sure you'll look a right stud with just a little time, money and effort!  and even if you think you're not the hottest hunk this side of wherever, heaven knows us bi & hetero ladies have widely various tastes in men!  (don't know about the bi & homo guys, though).  if i knew the male equivalent of "you go girl", i'd iterate it.  anyway, post up a pic soon, and all the best.

[Dennis]

*hugz Lana back*

I'm re-reading this thread to try and bolster my courage to write the ex, as Rose suggested, and tell her to piss off (very nicely of course) and give me some room. She called again yesterday, wanting to continue the conversation. I chose not to call back. I have often mistaken those followup messages for possible apologies and made the mistake of calling back, plunging myself right back into the conversation that I wanted to leave.

Now to ponder what to say. Won't really matter because I'll be blamed for it anyway. Been there, done that.

Dennis

[4years]

I think something that might help is to realize that you know yourself better than anyone else does.

No one else knows who you are. They can guess, they can hope, but they do not know.

[Rose Dawson]

Now to ponder what to say.

Dennis - I sent you a private message and included the letter I sent to my own family, just last week. I actually found the original letter on another gender support website and edited, deleted and adapated it to tailor to my own personal situation. I would be happy to share this with anyone else, if you'd so desire.

[Dennis]

I did get it, thanks. I think I'm kind of done educating though and want to leave it up to people to pick up the ball on their own unless they're supportive. I'm happy to answer questions phrased in a positive way, but this was anything but positive.

This is going to be more of a 'I have a right to surround myself with supportive people' letter. Unfortunately, the negative parts of that interaction were a pattern in our relationship as well and I really don't have the energy to deal with it or to work through it. If I have vulnerable spots, I would prefer to work them through without having to deal with old relationship issues as well. I tried that enough during the relationship.

Still pondering the content of that letter.

Dennis

[4years]

I really do not know the situation at all but I think I would write something very short and very to the point.

I don't think I would write a 'I have a right to surround myself with supportive people' type letter, rather I'd go with a "I'm sorry you don't understand." Type letter ... then again that may be the entire contents if I were writing it too. I would not want to receive either, but I'd probably react better to the latter. For what little that is worth.

[Dennis]

Well, after some pondering and another phone call, I decided to ignore some of your advice and write the following:

I have been pondering our conversation on Sunday. I don't know if you intended to shake my confidence by insisting on how much R looks like a woman with a beard or whether it was obliviousness. Somehow, though, I don't think you'd tell D that she looks like a man in a skirt or that another MtF does. I think you would edit yourself before you said something like that. Yet you feel free to say these things to me. Yes I was defensive, and on reviewing the conversation, I believe I had good reason to be.

I have enough anxieties and uncertainty about what is ahead without adding to it. I won't be returning your phone calls. I need a break from our relationship dynamic. You have said something negative about me, to me, in every interaction we have had since our separation (and many before separation). None have been to the degree of Sunday, but nonetheless, I feel I must draw a line in the sand and protect myself.

I hope we can resume a friendship at some point, but you clearly harbour enough negative feelings, whether consciously or unconsciously, that that isn't an option at this point. Something needs to happen to change the dynamic and perhaps a break is it.

As I said, it has been a history between us that she goes on the attack and I go on the defensive. I'm past the point of educating and being empathetic about it. We have trans friends and she wouldn't feel free to say that stuff to them, so it's not the trans issue in my opinion, that's just a hook upon which to hang the negativity, and a handy vulnerable point to strike in me. This, I think, will be best, to cut the relations off, whether it be temporary or permanent.

Thanks again for the support - even if I did pick and choose the advice.

Dennis

[cowboy]

Dennis,
I for one feel you have done the right thing in writing that letter. Yet I know as with the end to any relationship, it still hurts. As you and others have stated, right now you do NOT need any negativity in your life. It is hard enough to finally come to the decision to transition and you need all the support you can get, NOT someone "kicking you in the teeth" for doing so!!
All of my life, I hid what I was inside, not just who I felt like, but I also hid what male features I could by shaving my face twice a day, shaving the wide spread belly so no one would know. Now there are some characteristics I could never cover up such as my deepened voice or my male body build, but people just got used to those things. And now that I am getting ready to transition and word is out, I too am being condemed for what I have chosen.
I know how hard it is buddy. I gave up 39 years of my life for my family. Living to make them happy. Living as they wanted me to be because they were ashamed of what I was not a "complete". And as long as I lived as they wished, all was well. But now, I have stirred the fire and no one is happy but me and my kids. I no longer am being treated for severe depression and my kids say they love my attitude more now. LOL they say we get out and do more now.
My point is, I DO know how hard it is to have others put you down for your decision to transition and I know there will be times that you think it is easier to just give up and remain as you are, but I was to the point it was literally killing me if I continued as I was.
I don't have any close support around me other than my girlfriend and my kids. I live in a state that has very little resources for trans/intersex individuals. In addition, the area of the state I live in, there are NO therapist nearby and the ones that do treat gender patients are few and far between. I have to count on most of my support from forums like these to keep me going.
So keep your chin up buddy and know you got us to lean on anytime!!!

[4years]

... the area of the state I live in, there are NO therapist nearby and the ones that do treat gender patients are few and far between. I have to count on most of my support from forums like these to keep me going.

I am in the same situation, perhaps this forum thread (based off this forum thread can be of use.)

[cowboy]

Thank you 4years, I knew there was such a service but I could never find it. I am going to call and see what they can do for me.

[stephanie_craxford]

Hello Dennis.

I know it's hard, but don't let this one person shake your confidence, or your will to be the true you.  For different reasons many people fear the unknown, and are often scared as well.  This seems to be the case with your ex.  If you intend to keep her as your ex then I would just file her opinions under L for life experiences.  As you transition there will be others who will not understand, who will ridicule you, make  fun of you, talk behind your back and gossip.  This is a certainty.  But on the bright and possitive side there will be those who will care about you, no matter what, including your friends here, and of course me.

I myself will be coming out to my daughter in two weeks and to be honest I'm scared  not knowing what her reaction will be, but I have to tell her, and I'm resigned to the fact that even if she rejects me it won't change the fact that I will still love her and care for her.

My experience has been that true friends will always be there for you no matter what, and it is those who you should keep close and hold true.

Take care...