Perspective.

[insideontheoutside]

I'd like to open up a discussion about perspective in relation to being/discovering/living as a person whose is trans and/or their gender differs from the "normal people" (sorry, had no other quick way to put that but I'm sure everyone knows what I mean by the normal people).

Tanya brought up in another post that in other cultures, people between genders held a certain power. I kind of connected to that. It kind of gives me that tingly rush feeling when something really deep and crazy happens. Without taking up a whole post just on that, the gist of it is that I've always felt like I had power that many people don't. Perhaps other cultures knew this eons ago ... that people who were "born different" in the gender department were, indeed, special.

I'm a total sci-fi/horror nerd and I remember seeing two old Twilight Zone episodes that seriously had an effect on me when I was a child. One was where a "homely" looking girl is fighting against choosing a model of a body to turn into so that she could be "just like everyone else" in society. She fights all the way till the end and has some great lines about the importance of individuality, but they catch her and she ends up in a debutant body just like everyone else. The other is this one where this women is undergoing plastic surgery because she is so hideous that everyone can barely stand to look at her. The big revel when the bandages are off is that she's basically the 50's American beauty, however everyone else in this realm is this horribly disfigured pig-nosed person - but they are, in fact, beautiful and it's the American beauty who's the ugly one.

Perspective, to me, is such an important thing in life. What if there was an alternate reality where being trans was normal and for everyone else, the tables would be turned? What if 5 years from now, because of the LGBT movement, people are approving of being trans like they're starting to approve gay marriage? What if gender expression wasn't stifled, but encouraged? Yes, these are all hypothetical, big, broad things, but we can micronize little bits and apply them to our own lives. What if we just started to let our inner selves out to the world, regardless of HRT therapy, counseling, or anything else. What if we felt OK just to be ourselves?

Granted, a perspective change doesn't work in all scenarios. If you have really bad dysphoria for instance, it's hard enough just to deal with that, let alone to try and change your mind about it. But small pebbles create big waves. What is the smallest, tiniest thing you could think about differently about your own body. Is there any, small, positive thing you can think of? Start there, and explore that. Take your time. Don't force it, it's not a race.

[Tanya W]

About a week ago, I came out to a friend as trans. This is still a very new experience for me; there are not too many folks I've told, really told. That this process went well and, in fact, seemed to deepen our connection was so great. I actually felt good through the days that followed - relaxed, embodied, open.

In this context, a lot came up. In my experience, this is how it goes: relaxation allows room for expression - both internal and external - that is typically repressed. So a lot came up for a few days:

I was sitting meditating one morning. I had been doing this a while and felt quite settled. Suddenly, a burst of energy rose up from deep within. This swelled up in the darkness of my belly, washed through my torso, and broke open in my heart and mind.

There was expression in this breaking open. Though I don't usually experience myself as having distinctly 'male' or 'female' parts / aspects, this expression was notably 'female' in energy, tone, and voice. I immediately understood it was 'me' speaking as 'her'. There was rage in her voice. Not am 'I'm going to hurt you ' kind of rage, but instead rage of an 'I am standing my ground' sort. This was insistent, powerful, and clear. The words I both heard and felt were: "I do not need to be fixed."

This declaration has stunned me. So much of my relationship with being transgender revolves around fixing the situation, fixing who I am. 'What,' I wondered in the aftermath of the above, 'if there is nothing to fix?' This is a radical notion - so radical I struggle to hold it in mind for any length of time. But it is interesting, after coming out to my friend, I felt a certain acceptance of self - all of myself, including the dysphoric upheavals that arose - that has been rare in my life. And this felt wonderful.

What if there is something in 'being different' for me? What if it is possible to rest in my experience as it is? What if, as was the case in so many traditional cultures, there is some sort of power in this? This does not necessarily exclude my taking actions that help me work with my transgender situation - whatever these actions might be - but, rather, represents a shift in perspective.

What if, for me anyway, there is nothing to fix here?   

[insideontheoutside]

What if, for me anyway, there is nothing to fix here?   

This is really kind of the way I'm thinking now - that I don't need "fixed" because I was never broken to being with. And there is a power in just "owning" it. There's a confidence that the inner you can help build. I'm trying to get to that "zen" place where if someone calls me a woman, I just smile, and forgive them because they can't see the real me. Likewise, I just smile if someone calls me a man, and just keep moving through life that way. I am "acting" (playing a part I was never cut out to play) less and less around people. Those that don't get it or don't respond well, are not people I need in my life. Those people who have accepted me as I am, are the people that are worth having in my life (with rare exception - such as in the case of family who are old and set in their ways and don't really "get it" - those people I forgive though). As for the body, sure I still have dysphoria. I don't think that would ever fully go away but it's manageable. I realized a long time ago that my body was never going to fit into an "ideal" physical form. And where did that ideal come from anyway? Partly because of the way my brain is set up, but partly from society too. I've learned to stop trying to please society, because society is not interested in my personal happiness.

"Two Spirit" people, as far as my understanding goes, are allowed to be who they are. They do not need "fixing". The way I see it, western cultures are so fixated on gender binary that they have trouble allowing those who don't fit that to be who they are. Trans people feel incredibly uncomfortable being shoved into a box they don't belong. I feel lucky in that my parents didn't really do that and did allow me to be myself and express myself about 90% of the time. I think that laid the foundation that enabled me to connect back into that idea that, hey, I can really just be myself and not have to undergo surgery, potentially ruin my health, turn my whole world upside down, risk family and friends, etc. I think that when you haven't been allowed to express yourself as a child and growing up, then it just gets worse and worse. I'm certainly not saying that every trans person should just try to have a different perspective and just be themselves as-is without any form of treatment, but I fully believe that a percentage of us can do that and that it's the right choice for our own personal lives. It really comes down to the individual, but I think if society stopped shoving people into a blue or pink box from word go (I mean it is the very first thing ever asked about anyone ... "is it a boy or a girl"?) then a lot of us could be a lot happier. If we're allowed to move through society without gender bias or harassment, and just be accepted as part of what defines normal ... that could be very interesting. Also, the fact that treatment does exist I think appeals to a lot of trans people, especially if they've never be able to really be themselves before. If that is the way that they find comfort, then let them continue on with it. But I take issue with a "one size fits all" treatment plan and protocol. I take issue with people in the trans community in one breath saying "treatment should be individualized" but in the next complain about people who want HRT just to "get a few changes". There's a lot of bias right in our own neighborhood and a lot of trans people aren't exactly anti gender binary ... they're pro binary. They want to just be their true gender, disappear into society and live their lives. And you know, that's fine too, but I think fighting for the full spectrum of individuality when it comes to gender is a worthwhile cause. Not even every trans person finds they are 100% opposite of their assigned gender. I don't even think all the "normal" people (I guess "cis" although I've never liked that term but can't put my finger on why really) are 100% male or 100% female. I think there's some gray area in everyone and how that manifests is part of the individual. But society dictates so many of the "rules". By "being different" we are, in our own ways, blazing trails.

[Tanya W]

"Two Spirit" people, as far as my understanding goes, are allowed to be who they are. They do not need "fixing". The way I see it, western cultures are so fixated on gender binary that they have trouble allowing those who don't fit that to be who they are. Trans people feel incredibly uncomfortable being shoved into a box they don't belong.

I should be clear - I have no idea of what this means: "I do not need to be fixed." It seems to have arisen out of Mystery to act as a kind of koan for me. My online dictionary defines 'koan' as follows: "a paradoxical anecdote or riddle, used in Zen Buddhism to demonstrate the inadequacy of logical reasoning and to provoke enlightenment." This is certainly what these words offer me - a riddle that will not be answered by conventional logic.

And, in my mind, this conventional logic is the binary perception of gender that dominates modern culture. As long as one considers the words above from within this logic, there is no enlightenment, no insight, no freedom. From within this logic, there are 'men' and there are 'women'. That I am a 'woman' whose apparent body is that of a 'man' - well, this is a problem and problems, as we all know, are meant to be fixed.

But once this logic is exposed as inadequate, once it's ability to hold and express my experience leads to a sense of conceptual exhaustion and collapse, a whole new range of possibilities opens up. Questions arise that are otherwise blocked from awareness. 'What if there is space between 'man' and 'woman'?' 'What if it is possible to be 'man' bodied but 'female' energied?' 'What if the binary gender system is just an idea and not actually reality?' 'What if, once I am somewhat liberated from this system / logic, I find I can actually live and relax and be happy as I am?'

Maybe the indigenous 'Two Spirit' designation can be helpful in this regard. As long as I identify as 'transgender', I am - in my mind anyway - using a flawed and oppressive logic as my base reference point. I am literally tethering myself to a notion - 'gender' - whose meaning within this culture does not allow for my existence. I can try to direct my attention more toward the 'trans' part of this term, but that agent of violence is always right there, taunting me. Gender. Gender. Gender.

Shifting to 'Two Spirit', I find a certain measure of liberation. Here I am affirmed. Here I am free. Here I exist. Here I do not need to be fixed because I am what I am - 'Two Spirit'. This offers, returning to the subject of this thread, a very different perspective on my situation.   

[Misato]

I'd like to open up a discussion about perspective in relation to being/discovering/living as a person whose is trans and/or their gender differs from the "normal people" (sorry, had no other quick way to put that but I'm sure everyone knows what I mean by the normal people).

Cis gendered. I think you meant trans vs. cis.

I used to think I knew the world, that I knew people from how they voted or prayed. In fact, I only knew how to be prejudiced. I've come to embrace trust instead cause I've found approaching people from a place of, "new friend!" works far better than when coming from a place of assuming they're going to hurt me.

[insideontheoutside]

But once this logic is exposed as inadequate, once it's ability to hold and express my experience leads to a sense of conceptual exhaustion and collapse, a whole new range of possibilities opens up. Questions arise that are otherwise blocked from awareness. 'What if there is space between 'man' and 'woman'?' 'What if it is possible to be 'man' bodied but 'female' energied?' 'What if the binary gender system is just an idea and not actually reality?' 'What if, once I am somewhat liberated from this system / logic, I find I can actually live and relax and be happy as I am?'

Maybe the indigenous 'Two Spirit' designation can be helpful in this regard. As long as I identify as 'transgender', I am - in my mind anyway - using a flawed and oppressive logic as my base reference point. I am literally tethering myself to a notion - 'gender' - whose meaning within this culture does not allow for my existence. I can try to direct my attention more toward the 'trans' part of this term, but that agent of violence is always right there, taunting me. Gender. Gender. Gender.

Shifting to 'Two Spirit', I find a certain measure of liberation. Here I am affirmed. Here I am free. Here I exist. Here I do not need to be fixed because I am what I am - 'Two Spirit'. This offers, returning to the subject of this thread, a very different perspective on my situation.

Well society does love it's labels after all. Even two-spirit is a label, although imo, a much more positive one. Transsexualism was coined by an endocrinologist and adopted by psychiatrists. Let us not forget that in these early days these medical people saw issues such as transsexualism and homosexuality as mental disorders that were abnormal. I advocate that both gender and sexual preference have a spectrum and are not as black and white as medical professionals make them out to be. So we are using terms that were, at their inception, not positive terms, but quite negative. How the term transgender came up, as far as I can ascertain, is not as cut and dry but we probably have Christine Jorgensen or Virginia Prince (probably both) to thank for that one (Jorgensen has been quoted in 1983 as saying, "Perhaps the word 'transgender' would have been a more suitable term ..." as well as, "Sexuality is who you sleep with, but gender is who you are." – and both her and Price were against having the word "sex" in the term because of this way of thinking).

So we deal with these terms because as they were, they represented definitions which "fit". But I advocate that once we start to figure ourselves out on an individual basis, we should come up with out own definitions. Find what resonates with you.

[Tanya W]

Transsexualism was coined by an endocrinologist and adopted by psychiatrists. Let us not forget that in these early days these medical people saw issues such as transsexualism and homosexuality as mental disorders that were abnormal...So we are using terms that were, at their inception, not positive terms, but quite negative.

Which is one reason, I suspect, the term 'two spirit' has interesting resonance for me. The term is an affirmative one - affirming of experience, affirming of role, affirming of existence. The following comes from an article by M. Morgan Holmes. For me, it offers a mind-blowing perspective on what we call 'transgender':

In North American "Native systems...being (two spirit) has nothing to do with being in the wrong body; in fact, it is about being in the absolutely correct body: one which is required to complete the kinship structure and spiritual requirements of one's community."

The entire piece is an interesting, though very academic read. If anyone is curious it comes from the July 2004 issue of 'Transformations' and is entitled, 'Locating Third Sexes':

http://www.transformationsjournal.org/journal/issue_08/article_03.shtml

[insideontheoutside]

Which is one reason, I suspect, the term 'two spirit' has interesting resonance for me. The term is an affirmative one - affirming of experience, affirming of role, affirming of existence. The following comes from an article by M. Morgan Holmes. For me, it offers a mind-blowing perspective on what we call 'transgender':

In North American "Native systems...being (two spirit) has nothing to do with being in the wrong body; in fact, it is about being in the absolutely correct body: one which is required to complete the kinship structure and spiritual requirements of one's community."

The entire piece is an interesting, though very academic read. If anyone is curious it comes from the July 2004 issue of 'Transformations' and is entitled, 'Locating Third Sexes':

http://www.transformationsjournal.org/journal/issue_08/article_03.shtml

I think this is awesome. Going to read the full article tonight.