yes, no, IDK

[orami]

okay so I've been reading around the posts here a lot, and I haven't been a member until just now. I am bisexual but who isn't bisexual nowadays, that's not really saying much. That's not even important to me. And I know other people who really commit to the change they do anything for it, and maybe its a mixture of being scared and poor, but I think like what if something goes wrong its better not to because what if. its fear and I know that and thinking what people will think. the thing is I hear other people talk about it like its so important they cant function without it. and I do get sad about it and it stays in my mind but I'm not driven crazy about it, and that makes me doubt weather I want it for real or not. I'm the kind of person that is like I wont put makeup because why would I I'm a guy, or why dress in that I'm a guy and I feel left out and I think why that's so dumb. and of course I look at myself and think I'll never be anything more than a guy I talk like a guy I look like a guy, so I understand I prefer a more feminine body and face that doesn't exactly mean I want to go through with anything and then I think further into it,when it comes to my genitals, I don't really care about it. I know the change would make me feel good about myself, its been on my mind for years when I work out I imagine looking sexy not buff, how normal are these feeling and does anyone feel that way and where do I fit in. I hope someone can clear my mind about everything a little bit. I'm trying to write this in secret cause, although my partner wouldn't mind if I told m but I don't want to right now

[Tessa James]

Welcome to Susan's Orami,

It seems very common for people to have questions about the significance of their feelings and the doubts we often have.  I too once said I would "never" be able to transition and change.  I was wrong about that and am now enjoying transition very much.  There are many people here who accept themselves as transgender and still have doubts about the value for them of transition or what steps that are right for them.  We are on individual journeys with some common elements.  One commonality is the pervasiveness of thinking or awareness of our gender.  You say its been on your mind for years and that may be a clue to you.  Fear is also a too common feature of our stories.  We fear ridicule, losing friends, loved ones, or jobs.  Living in fear and with deep concerns about our core identity can produce further anxiety and many people will consider talking with a therapist at some point.  Looking back I consider my secret was not healthy and after too long it became toxic.   There are many places you may "fit" on the spectrum but there really are no sure fire tests.  Reading more about the experiences and ideas people share here might help you.

I wish you well and hope you will find more clarity down the path.

[Jessica Merriman]

Hi Orami!
In my case it came down to the sheer energy it took to live a lie. Like for example my career. It was sort of thrust on me and was a very Alpha Male job. It wore me down because the environment and what I had to witness and work in ran counter to my inner self and feelings. The emotional toll and the intensity it took to bury my real feelings about it made me go into an emotionless and robotic state. Before I started my career I was very sensitive, emotional and did not like being around violence at all. After a few years of repressing all I had to see made me a whole different person. I got moody, violent, lost all empathy and sympathy and hated everyone. After a while I developed an inner struggle between both personalities. My true inner self wanted back out, but the robot would not let it. This eventually became a full blown case of Severe Gender Dysphoria. I felt female as far back as 7 years old. I was made to repress it by beatings and other things. As with all torture you can't hold out forever and I assimilated and entered my career. The Dysphoria was my true self wanting to be unleashed. I know this is really hard to follow, but that is what Dysphoria does best. Cause chaos and confusion. The inner struggle eventually effects your physical health as well. When it gets to this point transition is all that would save my life and let me be who I should have been allowed to be without interference from others. It is not a choice at all. I mean who would choose to have something that robs you of family, friends, jobs, health and costs a lot from a financial stand point? No one would. Science, real science is starting to investigate seriously some possible biological causes for Gender Dysphoria. It has been removed as a mental health illness just recently. Hope this helps a little in understanding it.