This is something I don't really talk about with anyone. I think I see it as related to the idea of not letting your right hand know what your left hand is doing. As far as anyone in my life is concerned, I am an atheist. I lost my faith around age 18, when I realized that there was no way to reconcile my acceptance of homosexuality and transsexuality with the church teachings. I read and know the debates on Bible passages, but to me, both sides seem to be grasping at straws too much - which is why I lost my religion. I also believe that if we truly knew the answers, the world wouldn't be so messed up, but that's another story.
But lately...I don't really know exactly why, but I have found myself thinking about God a lot more. And my conception of God, being raised Catholic, is the closest to the Christian God. I don't really know how I feel about Jesus being the son of God, so I guess that I can't really call myself a Christian since a central tenet of that faith is the acceptance of Jesus as savior.
But as I said, I only really understand God in the Christian sense which is why I am posting this here. Every now and again, I talk to God, and honestly, it really does make a difference in my life. But I've been reticent with God. Sometimes I think I want to pray, but just...don't. I find myself subconsciously pushing the notion aside and distracting myself with another activity. Like I literally think "I could talk to God about this" but then go play a video game or something. I can think of a few reasons why that might be:
1) I'm angry at God for making me transsexual. I feel like sometimes I shouldn't be angry because honestly, I think of it as a birth defect and I doubt God makes babies handicapped. I'm more of a Deist in that sense that I don't believe God really interferes with earthly things, at least not directly. And when I have it so much better than so many others, if anything, I should be thanking God because I have it pretty darn good. But that anger does seep in. I feel like there is a purpose for my life, but my life is so hard to live, on the verge of impossible, when I think about the possibility of never blending in with other men. To society, if they know of my history, I am always the "other." Sometimes I wonder if this is a test. To accept my situation fully, and entirely, and then act in spite of the pain it causes me. I know at some point I will have to make peace with the fact that I was not born like other men...but I am not there just yet.
2) I have guilt and a lot of trouble feeling grateful, because I can't fathom why I was born with so many advantages when so many others suffer. I'm not poor. I wasn't born in World War II and sent to a concentration camp, I wasn't a Chinese woman in Nanking. I wasn't born and sold as a child sex slave. I was born in a time where there is, for those who have access, an abundance of resources. I am educated. I am not addicted to drugs. So why would I have so many advantages? Why was I so lucky, and why are others not? How can I make the best of not only my suffering, as a transsexual, but also of the enormous abundance of gifts that I have been given?
3) I have an intellectual struggle with this too. I'm all too familiar the observation that God is a "God of the gaps" - the idea of God fills in the things that we don't understand. Like what happens after death. Prior to this, God was used to explain a lot of scientific mysteries that have now been attributed to physical, earthly causes. Plus I think religion often helps fill the gaps of our suffering...I can't deny that I accidentally stumbled across something religious when I was looking for answers to my emotional suffering. I found a woman who had suffered emotionally, but found her strength in God - and it made me reconsider that perhaps I did, after all, need God. So am I doing what people often say religious people do, using God as a crutch because I am incapable of living life for myself?
I've considered going and talking to a priest...but I only know of one that I trust, and think of as wise, and it's the one at the church my mother and grandmother go to each week. And I was an alter server there for many years so he might recognize me, despite my changes (though, I cut my hair, got fat, and grew a beard so maybe not lol). If I talk to a priest, I don't want to bring up my transition because this is a much deeper spiritual concern and I don't want that being the focus of my discussion. I don't even care if they are LGBT friendly or not, because again, outing myself and discussing my trans stuff with anyone is an absolute no go.
