My wife found my Susan's account...

[LivingTheDream]

Idk what to say except I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know you've said before that sometimes she just needs to blow off steam and is best avoided until she does, hopefully this is just another one of those. I hope that when this initial shock is over that you guys will be able to talk and find some way to make things work out ok for both of you. I hope that you are ok and don't do something bad to yourself, please don't. You helped me out a lot when I almost got caught so I'll do w/e I can to help you out now as well. Feel free to pm me or anyone else here if you need to scream or cry or if you're about to harm yourself ok?

I got a quote I gotta give you. "If you're still questioning, the last thing you need is pressure from others to rush this process. Take the time and precautions to allow you to embark on this journey of self-discovery at your own pace. At this time, other people don't matter, so it's good to take precautions to prevent them from interfering." Wonder where I got it from . Your secret's out and your wife's made her choice (for the moment at least), so now you need to take the time you need to find out what you want to do, what would make you the happiest.

I really really hope things improve for you soon. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

[JamesG]

Wow...Sorry about this. Beyond what everyone else has said,  I don't think its your Susan's acct. or even that you are trans.  If not this, your wife would have found something else to be pissed at you about.  She was looking for a reason, a rational for breaking up and she latched onto this.

I donno what to recommend. Maybe she'll cool off. If the relationship is important to you, swallow your pride and (keep) appologizing, accept responsibility, suggest marreage counselling, etc.  Keep engaging her. Try to backburner the gender thing,  your relationship has deeper problems than that and is just a complication/distraction while its hanging by a thread.

[luna nyan]

Ouch.  I cannot express how awful I feel for you and your situation.  Others have already given very good advice and analysis, I shan't add to it.

Please, take car of yourself.

[Jasmine96]

from what i've read it sound like you're both hot-headed individuals. she just seems shocked right now. i think if i was in your position i would probably wait for her to cool off then come out to her in a more formal way. put your feelings of her and your transness out in the open. if she still doesn't accept you try couples therapy. if that doesn't work... i guess she doesn't really love the real you.

sorry this happened the way it did. i can relate to coming out in a harsh manner (my dad found my moms clothes in my room) and i didn't handle it well. we're working it out now but i made it very difficult for everyone. don't make the same mistakes as me. PLEASE pm me, i know a thing or two.

[JulieBlair]

Awww sh_t. Same damn thing happened to me.  Wasn't Susan's but email.  You know how to get in contact with me, she might know now too, which is OK as far as that goes.  You've done nothing wrong, you have expressed your pain, hopes and fears with honesty and without rancor.  There really isn't any way that a normal cis woman can get the psychic pain of being trans.  Sometimes we, or at least I, ask too much.  Maybe sometimes too little, I really don't know.  I'm actually tearing up right now, this is so familiar. I hope to hear from you.

Blessings
Julie

[Kara Jayde]

Your last thread asking for advice on the situation with your wife prompted me to go back through your history and read your posts. What's happened now is terrible, but not surprising unfortunately. You were flip-flopping on your dysphoria, trying to repress it, and leaving your wife in the dark, and once she found your account, it probably became very clear that an issue that she very clearly wanted to discuss with you for a very long time WAS being discussed, online, with strangers. Details about her relationship with you were exposed to people she does not know, and yet you couldn't be honest with her. As much as you love her, and she loves you, there is a great deal wrong with this picture Tegan. You have brought up the subject in the past with her, but her initial reactions of shock (which was pretty normal) led you to further repression (understandably). Unfortunately, it seems, there wasn't many places it could go that didn't end on this very path.

Personally I think your wife is being extremely unreasonable and unempathetic. You didn't wake up one day and decide to be a badger. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition that you've suffered with your entire life - hell, you've never even known what it is to feel normal in your skin - and she's been (from what I can tell) the only reason that you have not transitioned already. You have been giving up the only means of happiness - and medical treatment for your disorder - for the chance that your relationship could work. And now it isn't, and she's acting like you're a villain in all this. Yes, you should have been honest and upfront, but seriously, she clearly doesn't get what GID is, nor would I attempt to get her to understand. She seems bitter about the whole thing (again, understandably) but extremely un-supportive. I'd personally want to get away from the situation, but if you don't have anywhere to go, you really should tell her as much and stay home until you can figure out somewhere to go. It takes two to tango, I know, but I don't think you're being unreasonable to want a bed to sleep in and some time to get your life together. It sounds as if you're letting her call all the shots, and from your depressed, exposed, vulnerable position, I can understand not wanting to challenge that - but seriously, haven't you been sacrificing long enough? It's time to put yourself first. Get rid of the dark thoughts and put yourself on a path to happiness. This is a chance to become the person you've always wanted to become.

I'm sorry if I'm being too direct or confrontational, it just sounds like you're in a lot of pain and I want you to be okay. GID is hard enough, but you can get through this, and you can make your life better! Yes, you love her, but if she doesn't accept you for who you are, medical conditions and all, your relationship is not worth holding on to. You will be better off in the long run. The words 'my wife found my Susan's account' sound shameful, guilty even. Susan's is a SUPPORT group for a MEDICAL condition. Would you feel bad if you had cancer, and your wife found your online support group for cancer? It upsets me that culturally the whole perspective on this seems warped because of what's associated with being trans (it also upsets me immensely that people rally to remove Gender Dysphoria from the DSM, but that's a rant for another thread).

I really wish you all the luck in the world Tegan <3 thinking of you!

[Sincerely Tegan]

Thank you everyone, for your kind words of support and understanding.

So, here's an update: She is not kicking me out. She has agreed to give me some time to talk to a therapist. It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite. Although I call myself Tegan here, I'm still very much questioning. I always needed to know for sure, and I still do. This is why I needed time. This is a huge thing to think about, and it terrifies me. K has agreed to give me some time to talk it out with a professional. We're going to discuss it all- gender identity, depression, self-esteem, intimacy issues. Hopefully, we can clear some stuff up.

At that point, we'll know whether I go off to be Tegan alone, or if T and K will continue therapy to work through their communication and trust issues.

After we talked, K and I had dinner together, and even watched tv side by side. It almost felt normal. She even said that it'd be good to have a spare bedroom, implying that she could see a point in time when a second bed would be seen as superfluous.

Please, if that just seems sad to you, try to understand how much I'm willing to do to make sure that I have done all I can to save this relationship. I need to know that I tried everything. I can't have regret.

Thank you all for your concern and support. It has been probably the worst day of my life, but you've all been there for me, and I can hardly put into words what that means to me. Thank you all. I will PM if the need arises. Much appreciated.

Sincerely, T

[Christinetobe]

Good luck Tegan,  I truly hope you two can work things out.  If not at least I hope you can part with mutual respect and friendship.  Remember you are never alone.  Hugs from me.

[helen2010]

Tegan

It has been a pretty intense 24 hours and you are both in a much better place from which to move forward.  You have had to be completely honest with yourself and with your wife and she now has a better sense as to what has been preoccupying you for some time.  You now have a solid foundation on which to build.

Full credit is due to you and your wife for getting through this highly emotive and traumatic period.  With continued honesty and full communication you now have the opportunity for an authentic and honest relationship

Your situation resonated with so many of us and while every person's situation is unique we understand a lot of that which you and your wife are dealing with.  I wish you both the very best and trust that you will be kind to yourselves and to each other

Safe travels

Aisl

[AnneB]

Oh my dear precious sister, I was crying reading your first post, knowing that it was the same arguments my wife and I had a month ago... Well, she argued, screamed, yelled, hollered.. I was just sat there, numb.  But it was the same thing nearly all of us had gone thru and all of us had the same flashbacks... I am so sorry it happened that way.  Shock , anger, betrayal, the first three reactions they feel.  Tho we don't deserve some of it, they are feelings we accept as our fault.  Time... time alone will begin the healing process.. Will allow your wife to calm down, hopefully begin to realize, we do not -choose- this for ourselves, this is just the way we were made.

I pray for your well being, I pray for your wife's understanding, I pray your wife sees your love for her and the sacrifice you are willing to make to stay together.  Mine, I told I would do what it take to stay together, but for her to realize, I may begin to despise myself, and her, for me having to keep this locked inside.  You will begin to feel the same ..  Make no mistake.  It will happen, I hope and pray you and she, are strong enough to weather it.

Time only, will heal the hurt.  If she does not understand what you are really battling with inside, find a copy of "True Selves"...  Many dislike that book, but the three sections that explain our suffering... Childhood, Teens, and Adults.  My wife read it, and, tho is not fully accepting, she at least, understands.  And her anger and rage has subsided.  Yours, I truly hope, will also.

Hugs for you, hon.. You have so many here who love and support you!

[Jayne]

It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite.

This message isn't just for you but for every person on here who decides that transitioning isn't for them, deciding to not transition doesn't make someone a coward or hypocrite.
Transitioning is not always an option for everyone, sometimes it's financial reasons & sometimes it's emotional reasons such as being in love with someone. So long as you are able to live a happy life then just learning to accept being trans is a very hard & brave thing to do.
As i've stated a million times on here "it's your life & only you can decide what's right for you" (& i'll probably say this a million more times over the coming years)

Stay strong, big hugs

[MelanieH74]

Hi Tegan,
Glad to hear that she is willing to try to work things out.  I went through this similarly last year. I came out to her before I told my therapist, but things were kinda rocky for 2or 3 months. What helped us was I let her sit in on my therapy sessions so she could hear what IS and my therapist had to say first hand.
I also requested a psychological profile and gender dysphoria test ( this way she couldn't say I was crazy or going through a phase)
Letting her sit in will give her the opportunity to hear for herself, learn and ask a professional question and realise why you are in pain and that you cannot help it.
Im' sure it's a good thing  for both off you. It will show in the real world (your relationship) you trust her and are willing to let her into a deeply personal part of your life.

I wish you both the best

[kathyk]

Real big hugs Tagen.

I went through this about 18 months ago and I heard all the same words that you heard.  My wife found my prescription information online from Inhouse, and confronted me with that.  She went ballistic. 

As the weeks went by our conversations went on, and she finally told me she wanted to know who I was writing to all the time.  I told her it was a trans web site, and we talked for a while without me revealing anything more.  But I said maybe I'd let her know some day.  Well, time went on and as her anger grew I finally gave her my laptop with Susan's opened up.  She read some of my posts for a short time, then closed my computer and said something a little derogatory about me and the other girls on Susan's.  That was it. 

About three months later she found my online diary and started dropping hints that she knew more about my life than I ever thought.  When I asked her if she was reading my diary she admitted to it, but said she'd stop.  I just ended my diary instead.

Over the last year our lives have settled down, we've separated, and we're planning on how to best split up our assets.  We talk every day, she makes suggestions about my transition, and we have become friends.  It's not a real stable friendship, but it's an entirely honest one.  I'm getting set for SRS, and she's learned to live without me.  Funny how she asked me to move back into the spare room for a month while I'm here in California to arrange my SRS.  But that's primarily so I can do yard work. 

So much for 35 years of marriage. 

Take care Tagen. 

[Bombadil]

Wow, you've been through a lot. No one here is going to think you are a coward. you have to do what is right for you. If not transitioning is right for you, that's ok. Please be gentle with yourself.

[stephaniec]

Thank you everyone, for your kind words of support and understanding.

So, here's an update: She is not kicking me out. She has agreed to give me some time to talk to a therapist. It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite. Although I call myself Tegan here, I'm still very much questioning. I always needed to know for sure, and I still do. This is why I needed time. This is a huge thing to think about, and it terrifies me. K has agreed to give me some time to talk it out with a professional. We're going to discuss it all- gender identity, depression, self-esteem, intimacy issues. Hopefully, we can clear some stuff up.

At that point, we'll know whether I go off to be Tegan alone, or if T and K will continue therapy to work through their communication and trust issues.

After we talked, K and I had dinner together, and even watched tv side by side. It almost felt normal. She even said that it'd be good to have a spare bedroom, implying that she could see a point in time when a second bed would be seen as superfluous.

Please, if that just seems sad to you, try to understand how much I'm willing to do to make sure that I have done all I can to save this relationship. I need to know that I tried everything. I can't have regret.

Thank you all for your concern and support. It has been probably the worst day of my life, but you've all been there for me, and I can hardly put into words what that means to me. Thank you all. I will PM if the need arises. Much appreciated.

Sincerely, T

I'm really not qualified to speak about this issue because I've never been married and I've wandered for quite some time in the desert .I think to me the more important of the issues is love.

[Jennygirl]

Tegan- Do what you need to do, and trust your gut. Seeing a therapist sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea.

I'm glad to hear she's not kicking you out. It sounds like you might be able to work this out so that everyone is happy. She needs time to accept you, and proof in the form of new positive memories that she can trust you.

Stay strong