Brainstorming for "The Letter"

[89thDay]

Hey all, Lukas here

So, because of a couple reasons, I decided to use a hand delivered letter to come out to my mother, followed by a conversation after she's had a little bit to process. We live far apart, but I'll be staying with her for a week over the summer, so I'm taking advantage of this as the time to tell her. Problem is, when it comes to the actual letter writing, I'm a little lost... I tried asking my sister for advice[she was the first family member I told, and has become almost obnoxiously supportive, which I love her for], but she was just as lost as I was when it came to wording...
I was wondering if you lovely folks would perhaps be able to help me out here? What I'm thinking, at least for starts, is to almost write a Q+A style letter, trying to answer at least some of the questions right off the bat. Trouble here is that I have no idea what sort of stuff she might ask. So far, the people I've come out to have all already had at least some experience with the trans+ community, so they weren't really confused. My mum...let's say she's a little more conservative when it comes to this. I honestly am not sure that this is going to go over well[I've almost broached the topic a long time ago, and she reacted extremely poorly], but I feel that giving her a document to hold onto, something tangible that she can go back and re-read, I feel like that might help.

What I'm asking is this: what are some questions that you feel I should include in the letter/what are some questions that you were asked when you came out[to family/friends/coworkers/etc]?

I would really appreciate any advice that y'all have to offer

--Lukas

[Bombadil]

Hi lukas

Q&A is a good idea. Make sure you don't come off as apologetic. Some things you might want to explain

what does trasngender mean when it comes to you. like will you be living full time? will you be having surgery? hormones? I think this is the kind of things mom's can be especially worried about

do you have support? therapist, doctors, friends? s/o if you have one?

what made you decide to transition- there can be the fear it's a rash decision. And if you've hidden things really well, it can be really confusing

how will you be accepted if you transition? for less informed people, they can assume that transitioning means a life of loneliness and harassment.

if you have a job/school how will you deal with that

also. a lot of people who don't know get all hung up on with this means you are gay/straight/etc. I think it's silly, but if that's something your mom will worry about and you want to share, include that

will you be completely different?  it can be really scary thinking someone you know and love will be changing. the fear can be that you won't be you anymore.

Ok, those are my thoughts. Hopefully that helps. Good luck

[Polo]

Hi Lukas, you and I are in similar boats.  I too live far away from my parents, but will be staying with them this summer and plan to come out to them while I'm staying there, I feel like person-to-person is best for the relationship we have.  I plan on just saying it to my dad, but will be writing a letter to my mom.  My gender counselor has suggested I keep it reasonably short, since with surprising news people can usually only grasp a few new concepts at a time.  I plan to write out several things:

1. I identify as a male, not a female.  I prefer the masculine pronouns of he/him. (She may or may not have seen this coming. I'm already "gender deviant" [not her words] and people have been confusing me for her son in front of her for a LONG time)

2. I have been seeing a gender specialist for 7 months who thinks I am of sound mind and am making a good, healthy decision.

3. I have already told this to my friends, colleagues, and some members of our extended family, and have been accepted. In fact, most people have not even batted an eye. (I feel like this might help relieve some of her stress, since a main concern of hers is my success and safety)

4. Not much is really going to change.  I'm still on track to getting my advanced degree, I'm still going to pass the board exams, I'm still going to get into my career, get married, and have children.

I don't plan on using the word transgender in the letter, it's not really necessary and may be more confusing/stressful at the beginning.  I do plan on having some reference reading material that will certainly have that in there, though.  I also plan on having somewhere else to stay for a couple of days just in case things get too awkward in the house while it's sinking in.

Christopher has a good outline for questions, and I'd like to second his suggestion of making sure you don't come off as apologetic.
Emphasize that you aren't really changing that much, and that everything is going to work out for the best.

If she likes documents and things to read, I highly suggest considering additional reading material for her.  PFLAG and Tranifesto both have material for parents of Transgendered children/adult children available for free or for not much.
Good luck!