Help. Please. This is a huge, huge rant...but please...

[BearGuy]

I'm at my last, guys. I never realized how weak I can actually be.
As some of you remember, I began dating a girl over 3 years ago. Got engaged to her, were planning to get married some time this year.
We spent 24/7 together. I live in the house next door. I was her very first, when she was 15 turning 16 and I was 17. It was pure, innocent love. We grew up into adults together. All of our first experiences were together... high school prom, car, school events, pride parades...our whole life was based on each other. There wouldn't be a minute of the day we weren't thinking of each other. We knew 100% we were soulmates. I found her online, while living in New York, while she was in AZ...my family was planning to move here and I was planning on finding a few good friends and potentially a gf as well. I was female then, identified as a femme lesbian (by force...I had no idea what T was).

1.5 years into our relationship, I began my transition, and we both cried heavily through it, but she accepted me in the end and said no matter what, she is by my side til the end. She loved me as a man socially, but in person loved my body as a female's (and I had NO problem with that!).

Now, we always had conflicts. We clashed all the time... she was immature for her age, being that she was locked up in her house until she met me. She had no family life. She was alone, and depressed from it. I pulled her out - I brought her into the big world. I took her to museums, art shows, movies, restaurants, parades, cultural spots... EVERYWHERE. I lived for her. I cared about her more than anyone in her life did for her (she lived with her mom who couldn't care less about anything, even her health).

Now, she had severe emotional insecurity. She obsessed over me, and it suffocated me...I wasn't able to study. I lost 3 years when I could be finishing a university right now at 20 years old. Everything I did was not enough for her...she was very whiny, irritable, and complained like a little girl. I could never satisfy her...but I knew she loved me deeply. We could never go apart for more than 2 days...we would run back into each other's arms, re-spark our romance, and both laugh that NOTHING could keep us apart. The problem was...we were two entirely different people. Me, I was all about education, high goals, school, painting... intellectual activities. She did not seem to enjoy what I did...for her it was basic...go to a fast food place, see a movie, go home and lay in bed talking/cuddling. Sure, that could be enjoyable once in a while...but that was enough for her. Now, I ignored all of that because I loved her. I was EXTREMELY attached to her (and still am). It was blind love, because I knew we were on two completely different levels...everyone told me. Family, friends, relatives, psychologists...they told me it would not work. We have different goals in life. I didn't care...

I would become angry at the people who would tell me she is not fit for my "level". I wanted to bring her up, give her an amazing life, supply her with knowledge...get both of us into universities... but everyone told me, "what are you doing? Can't you clearly see that life is not for her?". I stayed with her too long......because I could not let go.

Now...20 (me) & 18 going on 19 (her). 3 weeks ago...I had to study for a huge final at college, and said I couldn't go to the movies...she found someone online to go to the movies with, a 25-26 year old ghetto white lesbian who is drunk all the time and looks as if she does more. My ex girlfriend instigates a fight with me over me not going with her to Walmart...saying I don't provide her any "support" while she drives me everywhere because I don't have a car. Childish stuff, you see? Sure, she did PLENTY for me and my family, and we did just as much back in different ways. We provided her with love. I cooked for her daily, for hours, spent 4+ hours a day with her even while in college...and gave her emotional support. It was never enough. That day I just woke up after my final school day and wanted to kick it in bed, it was early in the morning. Ever since that day, she's been disappearing late into the night, and eventually began coming home only in the morning (she parks her car in my driveway).

She breaks up with me. She puts me to my knees. I cry hysterically for her and she says she "gave up" on us and is NEVER returning to me until we die. I've been begging for her back as an idiot. 2 days ago, I beg her to finally tell me the truth. She says "we are done. I am interested in this new girl"...yet she was denying it for the past 3 weeks and would EXPLODE on me whenever I mentioned her having a new girl. This new alcoholic girl led her away, talked crap about me, and stole her. Of course, she is not the one to blame...my ex is.



I'm ill. I've been ill for the past 3 weeks. I can barely eat, I have severe panic attacks like never before. I cannot imagine this person, this girl I grew up with pretty much would do this to me out of nowhere. The day before our breakup we were at a restaurant laughing enjoying our time. I cannot bear the thought that she is sleeping with this horrid woman. This 25 yr old gives her alcohol and whatever else...she's been drunk lately and admitted to it. She's using her for her body! I do not mean to sound shallow...but she really, really, REALLY lowered her standards. My family says she found her perfect match. That this was supposed to happen, because we are way too far apart on a scale. I can't get that into my head... I can't do anything anymore. I have university starting in the beginning of August and I am half-dead. I wake up in the middle of the night in panic. She was my closest friend, my lover, the person I was with 24/7 until now. I have never been as close to anyone as I was to her, and neither has she. She NEVER EVER EVER showed any signs she would be capable of doing this to me. I always saw her as an angel...because she acted like it. Everyone tells me she is going back to where she came from...how her family is .... (she has a very bad family past)...and that I gave her a taste of love, sex, and romance...and now she wants someone who is stronger than me by will, yet below HER level.

I'm dying. I'm dying on the inside and my body is just weakening. I'm sure some of you can understand how this betrayal feels....... especially my trans brothers...because it feels as if no one will ever love you again. How can people change in an instant?!!! My family was her family. She was my family. We were everything to her and she was everything to us.

[BearGuy]

Another thing...she blocked me on Facebook, and only gets more angry and irritated every time I try to message her or text her. I'm in the way of her new "romance". She says I'm being immature and ridiculous by creating drama? o.O I wasn't the one who rebounded to an older woman right out of a 3 year relationship...
Honestly. I can't take the fact that she is with someone else. She was a virgin before I met her...she was all mine, body and soul. I can't stand the thought of it and my whole world is melting away. I'm either crying hysterically or just sitting here with a dead look on my face.

[Edge]

Ok. I am going to be very blunt and people will probably get mad at me for it, but I think it needs to be said.
That sounds like a very unhealthy relationship for both of you. I understand that it hurts and you need time to grieve, but once you're done grieving, I highly recommend moving on. Take some time to figure yourself out and deal with your emotional issues. When you can be happy with yourself alone, that's when you're much more likely to be able to be in a healthy relationship.
Oh and stop trying to message her.

[Umiko]

sry, my attention span couldnt keep up but i did skim over it. i think she is being highly immature as you said. so much so it, forgive me please, its sickening. i dont think you should have to beg and plead for someone who honestly just doesnt care or gets a rise out of seeing you on your knees. like edge says, its best you move on with your life and find someone who is more mature

[Kyler]

Sounds unhealthy.
But even if, maybe you guys just need time apart. If you've been together since she was 15, maybe she just doesn't want to feel tied down to you without knowing anything else. Maybe she needs time to grow or just spread her wings. She could come back, if you're willing to take that.

[Ayden]

I'm gonna have to agree with Edge. People can get upset, but this does not sound healthy in the least. I could break down your post but it's difficult to do so on a phone. What I will say is you comment of "she was all mine, body as soul" along with a few others don't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Aside from all the other issues in the first post, she didnt belong to you. No one belongs to anyone and when you start thinking in those terms it gets unhealthy.

She left you, and I'm sure it hurts. But, you need to take your time to grieve and then pull yourself by your boot straps and move on. I wish I could say "oh, it'll be okay man! She'll come back" but I can't and I don't think it would be good for you. I'm sorry that you are hurting and I'm sorry that any of this happened. Cut off all communication, take a few days to cry, and then look straight ahead and move on.

[nikkie]

Hello

I understand what you are going through. I too just got out of a 4 1/2 year relationship. My ex partner was very immature and always getting into trouble. I loved her so much that I used to let her take advantage of me. When we first started going out I moved in right after a few weeks of knowing each other. One day I told her that I thought her friends were bad news, she said that I was such a party pooper, in the end her friends and her ended up in jail for breaking into someones home. They told the police that she was the "lookout" and wasn't. And she thought that this was okay for her friends to do. She was facing 2 years in prison. When I bailed her out I told her to stay away from the friends that got her into trouble. She got mad at me and said that her friends were her family. She was in the other room and I overheard her friend ask her why she was with me in the first place (the same friend that got her in trouble). She told her friend that she was only with me because I had a car and a good job. Now, I know the best thing at that point would have been to leave her, but I stayed like a fool and we were together for 4 1/2 years. She eventually realized that her friends were bad to her and her lawyer told her that she was stupid for hanging out with them after they got her into trouble. My ex ended up falling in love with me after this and for awhile we lived okay. Then things got worse. I realized that we were night and day. She used me for money and transportation. She always thought I was cheating when she was the one sneaking around with other girls. Her family also treated me like crap. I caught her talking to other women online and at school and told her that I had enough of her and what she was doing to me. It's been about 2 months. I can tell you that life gets better. I have a new job and work to keep myself busy. I surround myself with family and friends. When feeling like the world is at an end its best to surround yourself with people that love you and care about you. In a few weeks you will wake up and realize that you are going to be okay. Life will get better for you and you will meet someone that likes you for the person you are and hopefully will have the same interests as you do. This is very important. When I broke up with my ex I started to take up all the activities that I used to enjoy that she hated or wouldn't do with me. It feels great. I hope that in the near future that I will meet someone that will enjoy my same activities and live very happy with me. I also wish you the same. Sometimes when we fall in love we feel as though we can never be with someone else but you will see in a few weeks time things will get better. I learned to take it one day at a time. Your ex may realize that she made a mistake and want to come back, don't do it. I let my ex back in after a few weeks and she was still doing the same thing. She just wanted me to keep supporting her. I knew what she was doing and told her to please leave me alone. I realized that I didn't need someone as fake as she was and let her know it. I knew that I deserved better. I'm a hardworking person, and I'm sure you are too. Take things one day at a time. You will see things start to get better. Keep yourself busy with loved ones and your favorite activities. And most importantly, just be yourself. 

[Blue Senpai]

That relationship, very unhealthy I might add, was doomed to fail because she was eventually going to leave for greener pastures considering her past circumstances. Granted, her parents were strict and you were the only one around and so she latched onto you because she barely had interaction with anyone else and, when you got her back on her feet, she broadened her horizons and found someone else. People change, it's a fact of life and what she liked before will not stand later on. In this case, she didn't share most of your interests from the very beginning (not even compromise was involved in activities you guys did) but latched onto you anyways still due to her emotional insecurity. Eventually, that problem cleared up and she was ready to take on the world...without you.

Let me be clear that while you may have been her boyfriend, she is not your property and you should not think that breaking up is not a possibility between you both. You guys might have spend an abundant amount of time together your whole lives but that doesn't matter because you two were not puzzle pieces that fit and everyone else saw that but you. I can even see the relationship unravel due to the timeline you wrote out for us in the original post but, of course, I'm only going from what you wrote because there may have been other tidbits that you may have forgotten to write out and could make my points invalid.

As for your latest follow-up comment, you were harassing her through Facebook messages and she made it clear enough that she no longer wanted to be with you. You were being slightly immature and gave her more ammo to fight you with knowing that she had you on your knees. Please take a break, go outside, have a good cry if you must and move on. Things will get better.

[devention]

I'll have to agree with those saying it was an unhealthy relationship. You were her way out of a life she hated, and you seem to be obsessed with the idea of her. I understand you love her, but your reaction is beyond "love". Give it some time. I think the people telling you that she wasn't right for you were correct. She is too immature for you. That doesn't make her worse than you; that makes her incompatible with you. I'm going to encourage you to Leave her alone. Like tearing off a ban aid. It's not healthy for either of you to be in that relationship.
I know you don't want her to be with this woman for partially your own sake, because you feel like you have a stake in her (you don't; she's her own person) abd because you feel like this woman will hurt her (she might. It's possible), but she's 19. She's an adult, and she can made and live with her own decisions.
I'm sorry that you lost your best friend in this. I really am. But I hope you'll be able to step back and realize that it was really a good thing for you, some day, because it seems like it was.
I hope you'll feel better soon. If you don't already, maybe you should stop by the counselor at your school sometime in the first week. They'll be able to help you more than strangers on the internet.

[stephaniec]

unhealthy.  You need to take care of your future and who knows maybe eventually she'll come around, but  you'll be in a lot better position  by not letting this destroy your studies and your future.

[Nygeel]

I'm going to jump on the "unhealthy"bandwagon. Although it hurts, and makes your life feel terrible, you should try to cut off completely. She doesn't want your help, that's her decision. Leave her alone, if she wants you to contact her she'll probably seek you out.

[Annabella]

I have had my fair share of unstable SO's in the past.
She does sound like she is not stable, and that she is behaving badly, however.

I would feel badly if I did not take issue with your last statement, not from a place of anger, but hopefully constructive criticism.

I can't take the fact that she is with someone else. She was a virgin before I met her...she was all mine, body and soul.

She isn't property.
No person is ever yours body and soul, nor should they ever be, nor (importantly) should you want them to be.
I have been in relationships in the past where I was with someone who felt that way about me, and it isn't romantic when you get down to it.
What you describe is an enmeshed relationship where the boundaries of identity between the two of you have become blurred to the point that her absence feels as though a part of you has been torn away.
Others have said that this is not healthy, and that is correct, though it does not help much to know that it is unhealthy without knowing what steps to take to remedy the situation.
The best advice I can give is two-fold.
Firstly, if it is as bad as you say, I would highly recommend finding a therapist specializing in depression. When I was in an abusive relationship I saw one and it was extremely helpful. It isn't just the advice that they give, or working your problems out through speaking, it is also that there is a constant person there who you know every week (or however often you go) will be there to talk to, and will know what you are going through. One of the greatest wrongs in our society is that we stigmatize those who are experiencing debilitating mental trauma, as though they are experiencing it out of weakness. It isn't weakness, I know this from experience because I am not a weak person and my mental life has knocked me on my ass before.

Second bit of advice, stop working for her, take that energy time and money and invest it in yourself. Get some new clothes, go to the movies and watch movies that you like to watch, go out to eat food that you like to eat. One of the most freeing things from my abusive relationship was going out and eating food that I knew they would have disapproved of. It was like having a weight lifted off my shoulders. I can't say that it will be the same thing for you, but find what is. Everyone's "soul food" is different.

-Anna

[King Malachite]

I'm at my last, guys. I never realized how weak I can actually be.
As some of you remember, I began dating a girl over 3 years ago. Got engaged to her, were planning to get married some time this year.
We spent 24/7 together. I live in the house next door. I was her very first, when she was 15 turning 16 and I was 17. It was pure, innocent love. We grew up into adults together. All of our first experiences were together... high school prom, car, school events, pride parades...our whole life was based on each other. There wouldn't be a minute of the day we weren't thinking of each other. We knew 100% we were soulmates. I found her online, while living in New York, while she was in AZ...my family was planning to move here and I was planning on finding a few good friends and potentially a gf as well. I was female then, identified as a femme lesbian (by force...I had no idea what T was).

1.5 years into our relationship, I began my transition, and we both cried heavily through it, but she accepted me in the end and said no matter what, she is by my side til the end. She loved me as a man socially, but in person loved my body as a female's (and I had NO problem with that!).

Now, we always had conflicts. We clashed all the time... she was immature for her age, being that she was locked up in her house until she met me. She had no family life. She was alone, and depressed from it. I pulled her out - I brought her into the big world. I took her to museums, art shows, movies, restaurants, parades, cultural spots... EVERYWHERE. I lived for her. I cared about her more than anyone in her life did for her (she lived with her mom who couldn't care less about anything, even her health).

Now, she had severe emotional insecurity. She obsessed over me, and it suffocated me...I wasn't able to study. I lost 3 years when I could be finishing a university right now at 20 years old. Everything I did was not enough for her...she was very whiny, irritable, and complained like a little girl. I could never satisfy her...but I knew she loved me deeply. We could never go apart for more than 2 days...we would run back into each other's arms, re-spark our romance, and both laugh that NOTHING could keep us apart. The problem was...we were two entirely different people. Me, I was all about education, high goals, school, painting... intellectual activities. She did not seem to enjoy what I did...for her it was basic...go to a fast food place, see a movie, go home and lay in bed talking/cuddling. Sure, that could be enjoyable once in a while...but that was enough for her. Now, I ignored all of that because I loved her. I was EXTREMELY attached to her (and still am). It was blind love, because I knew we were on two completely different levels...everyone told me. Family, friends, relatives, psychologists...they told me it would not work. We have different goals in life. I didn't care...

I would become angry at the people who would tell me she is not fit for my "level". I wanted to bring her up, give her an amazing life, supply her with knowledge...get both of us into universities... but everyone told me, "what are you doing? Can't you clearly see that life is not for her?". I stayed with her too long......because I could not let go.

Now...20 (me) & 18 going on 19 (her). 3 weeks ago...I had to study for a huge final at college, and said I couldn't go to the movies...she found someone online to go to the movies with, a 25-26 year old ghetto white lesbian who is drunk all the time and looks as if she does more. My ex girlfriend instigates a fight with me over me not going with her to Walmart...saying I don't provide her any "support" while she drives me everywhere because I don't have a car. Childish stuff, you see? Sure, she did PLENTY for me and my family, and we did just as much back in different ways. We provided her with love. I cooked for her daily, for hours, spent 4+ hours a day with her even while in college...and gave her emotional support. It was never enough. That day I just woke up after my final school day and wanted to kick it in bed, it was early in the morning. Ever since that day, she's been disappearing late into the night, and eventually began coming home only in the morning (she parks her car in my driveway).

She breaks up with me. She puts me to my knees. I cry hysterically for her and she says she "gave up" on us and is NEVER returning to me until we die. I've been begging for her back as an idiot. 2 days ago, I beg her to finally tell me the truth. She says "we are done. I am interested in this new girl"...yet she was denying it for the past 3 weeks and would EXPLODE on me whenever I mentioned her having a new girl. This new alcoholic girl led her away, talked crap about me, and stole her. Of course, she is not the one to blame...my ex is.



I'm ill. I've been ill for the past 3 weeks. I can barely eat, I have severe panic attacks like never before. I cannot imagine this person, this girl I grew up with pretty much would do this to me out of nowhere. The day before our breakup we were at a restaurant laughing enjoying our time. I cannot bear the thought that she is sleeping with this horrid woman. This 25 yr old gives her alcohol and whatever else...she's been drunk lately and admitted to it. She's using her for her body! I do not mean to sound shallow...but she really, really, REALLY lowered her standards. My family says she found her perfect match. That this was supposed to happen, because we are way too far apart on a scale. I can't get that into my head... I can't do anything anymore. I have university starting in the beginning of August and I am half-dead. I wake up in the middle of the night in panic. She was my closest friend, my lover, the person I was with 24/7 until now. I have never been as close to anyone as I was to her, and neither has she. She NEVER EVER EVER showed any signs she would be capable of doing this to me. I always saw her as an angel...because she acted like it. Everyone tells me she is going back to where she came from...how her family is .... (she has a very bad family past)...and that I gave her a taste of love, sex, and romance...and now she wants someone who is stronger than me by will, yet below HER level.

I'm dying. I'm dying on the inside and my body is just weakening. I'm sure some of you can understand how this betrayal feels....... especially my trans brothers...because it feels as if no one will ever love you again. How can people change in an instant?!!! My family was her family. She was my family. We were everything to her and she was everything to us.

Wow, that is rough, man, and I'm really sorry that you have to go through this.  I feel your pain, dude.  I know everyone else saw the red flags, except for you.  However, I am of the belief that true love can conquer many (not all but many) concerns in the relationship.  Even if you two were on different levels, I think the relationship would have still been manageable.  However, it takes two to tango, and she has made it obvious that she wanted to tango with someone else and not tango with you anymore.  To top it off, she didn't give you proper closure in my opinion.  Personally, and I could be wrong, but I think she may have felt intimidated by you: that you have dreams and aspirations, and that she's not as ambitious as you are.  Subconsciously, she may have had the "I'm going to get him before he gets me" mentality so she got with the other person because she may more than likely be where she is at in life so there's no "competition" to speak of.  I hope that made sense.  I also could be wrong.

Here is my personal advice:

1.  Let her go.  I know it's hard, especially if she was your mind, body and soul.  However, stop contacting her on Facebook.  It's obvious that she wanted nothing to do with you anymore.  If the door is shut, don't try to bang it down, because you might not wants what's behind it.  Whether you believe in Karma or reaping what you sow, how she treated you is going to come back around to her.

2.  See this as an opportunity to grow into your next relationship.  In ideal circumstances, I would ask her how you could improve in the next relationship, but seeing how that's not the case, I say just make mental notes on what you think you should work on.  Note your weaknesses and strong points and apply that to how you can be a better boyfriend.

3.  It's not your job to be the "hero".  What I mean by that is, if the next lady you meet has past family issues or men issues, feel free to date her, but proceed with caution, because sometimes, those past issues may come up in her life in some type of way, and you might just be the one to get screwed over in the process. Be the best man you can be, but don't have the "I'm going to save her from that horrible life" attitude.                                                                       

4. Be confident.  You're a handsome, fit, ambitious man on T and you have a lot going for you in life.  I'm sure you can find someone that's on your level if you two don't reconcile.  Take this time to KNOW what you want in a woman.  That way, you don't waste time with women who would more or less "bring you down", or wouldn't be of interest to you based on their personality.  I'm not saying it wouldn't work, but it would just be more difficult.

In the meantime, cry over your ex and mourn her.  After that, you need to try to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

[xsmittyx]

Oh man I'm going to have to echo the folks correctly labeling this unhealthy. You've got to let this go. You're young and will be fine, I promise.

[Maleth]

I would echo about this relationship being unhealthy but I'm sure you've heard it many times and that most of us agree on it being that, among other things. My small two cents would be to just give yourself time and try to cut her out of your life either all at once or gradually (preferrably all at once to reduce the pain) and just relax.... focus on yourself and your own life, and you'll grow to be independent of a relationship you once had. I went through something similar to you a while ago. She couldn't accept the fact that I was transgender and broke up with me solely due to that reason, and afterwards I went through a drawn-out period of desperate moping, begging, and depression until I realized it's time to cut her out and be my own person, and that I was strong enough to do this. Don't worry, time will help you heal... you may look back on these events a few years from now and see them as a lesson and a precursor to the strong person you will be in the future.

[kira21 ♡♡♡]

read a book called, its called a breakup because its broken. It will help you. x

[Ephemeral]

Yes, I'm on the "it's unhealthy" bandwagon too and I may add, it sounds like both of you got some serious attachment issues going on. It seemed like you both actually needed lives outside of each other but instead you invested everything into each other because it felt secure. I think it's common when it comes to teen romance. Not that it helps you now, but you are 20 years old and the world is full of women who will love you despite being a transman.

This needy attachment seems more like obsession than love though I don't doubt that you do love her too but yes, you need to create psychological distance and let her go. There will be more women and if she left you she isn't worth it. It's important to recognize that none of you are the stellar examples of maturity and how can you be when you are in your late teens/young adulthood?

Realize your own failures and take it as a lesson to improve your next relationship. It sucks but that's just how life is. Once you get some distance from her you may start seeing her in a very different light and you will feel so much better about it.