I felt essentially all my life I was trans. I was on/off HRT many times for the emotional reset it gave me as I struggled to be "Normal". I used, what I call, the 3D's to get by. Distractions, Diversions, and Denial. Burying myself into my career was a great way to achieve those ends. Over the ensuing decades I changed a lot, for the worse.
Six years ago when I hit bottom and knew I needed to take on the trans beast, after a LOT of introspection I came to the realization how I handled being trans was the root cause of pretty much all the major disasters in my life. Transitioning was the last thing on my wish list. Unlearning bad behaviors, gaining new tools and insights, learning how to accept myself for who I am were what drove me into seeing a therapist. I sure didn't need one to tell me I was trans! I sure needed one to help me fix my life which had a few steamer cases of ugly baggage that came with being trans.
I hate confrontation as much as, if not more then, the next person. Especially with those I love, respect, or authority. It usually ended badly for me so just shut up, go along, or just plain avoid it. It is awfully difficult to stand up for yourself when you hate yourself or have no clue at all to what your true feeling are. Or worse, totally afraid of loosing all you hold dear for exposing those feelings.
We spend a lifetime building fortified brick walls to hide our true inner feelings from exposure, even from ourselves. We are blinded when a ray of sunshine finally penetrates as the bricks are slowly removed. As our eyes adjust to the light, we begin to see things we had no clue was there. What we see may be surprising. It may seem overwhelming. Change only comes when you put in the work
