Terrified of Transphobia / Ignorance

[Alexmakenoise]

Being mostly in the closet for 35 years, I've heard a lot of transphobic or just ignorant comments from people who didn't realize there was a trans person present.  A lot of people just have no idea what being trans is all about.  I keep thinking about that and thinking, "My old friends will be saying those things about me," and it makes me scared of coming out and transitioning.  I know that's bad, but I can't help feeling that way.  Being in the closet seems deceitful both to myself and to other people, but I don't want to have to say goodbye to all the people I've known who just happen to be ignorant about trans stuff.

Anyone else dealing with this?

Also, I wasn't sure where to post this so mods, please move it if there's a better place.

[LordKAT]

Sooner or later, the comments mean less than being true to yourself. If they are true friends, they can be educated.

[Ms Grace]

Hatred and ignorance aren't the same thing although ignorance with fear can lead to hatred pretty darn quickly!

[Jera]

Hatred is far too often our defense mechanism for that fear of what we don't understand. We all do it, to some degree. It's human.

Knowing that helps us realize when our own hatreds might be based on the very same thing (whatever the trigger), and thereby act more appropriately.

The best we can be, as individuals, is an example.

[evadenzin]

i have also been hiding my true identity, but if i were in your place i wouldn't worry about such friends who don't understand me.
come out with your true identity and you'll see who is your TRUE friend. and i agree with LordKat, people can be educated. you need to get professional help or support in this case (even moral support will be good). 35 years is really a long time. finding a trans community near you can help you by sharing experiences and giving tips on how to deal with the ignorant people

[suzifrommd]

I have not had to deal with much transphobia. Since I've come out, 99% of the people I come in contact with are accepting.

[Stephe]

  I keep thinking about that and thinking, "My old friends will be saying those things about me," and it makes me scared of coming out and transitioning. 

My experience is, they won't. What they may do, and it may take a while for this to change, is calling you by your old name/gender pronouns. I only lost -one- friend when I early in my transition and I believe it was homophobia. I honestly think he is gay and is fighting to stay in the closet (or abstaining?) for religious reasons and being around me after I transitioned was just something he couldn't deal with. His main comment was "If people see us together, they will think I am gay" which said a a lot.

Yes transitioning is scary and anyone who tells you they weren't scared is lying. It's very normal but in my case, those fears were unfounded.

[PinkCloud]

Many people are so self-absorbed and judge every single event from one motivation: What do I get out of it?

True friends are rare. I used my transition as my awakening: it made me more stronger and self-sufficient. I found it to be a blessing. Now I truly know who people are inside. On the outside, everyone wears a mask. Throw an obstacle and watch them react, only then you will see true character and intent. I rather have truth than superficial BS and keeping up with the whoever...

[Eva Marie]

I have not had to deal with much transphobia. Since I've come out, 99% of the people I come in contact with are accepting.

Me either Suzi. Early on there was a lot of curiosity about me and I answered a lot of questions but now it's like "oh there's Eva" and that's that. People are generally very friendly, and old memories of me are fading very fast. No one has expressed Transphobia or hatred toward me or has made any slurs in my presence. I only get occasional curious looks from woman and some creepy stares from men but I think that's a pretty normal thing for a woman.

There is only one guy at work that seems to have an issue with me; I'm mostly surmising that because he seems to try to avoid me now and our working relationship has gotten a lot more frosty/formal mostly caused by his behavior. That's kind of ironic because in the future there is a high likelihood that we will be required to work together to design new software solutions for our company. Oh well, his loss 

[Stephe]

... and some creepy stares from men but I think that's a pretty normal thing for a woman.

Very true, I find the more leg I show the more creepy stares from men I get, I don't thing that has anything to do with being trans

[Virginia]

Alexmakenoise wrote:
I've heard a lot of transphobic or just ignorant comments from people who didn't realize there was a trans person present...I keep thinking about that and thinking, "My old friends will be saying those things about me," and it makes me scared of coming out and transitioning.

I live in Virginia and have heard it said that in the South they hate the color and love the people. In the North they love the color and hate the people. Having been raped by another boy when I was a child left me not only DID with cisgender male and female alters but extremely transhomphobic; I have the unique opportunity to see both sides of this coin. Times change. The majority of people won't say this sort of thing to my face. But I am kidding myself to think they don't say them behind my back. That it doesn't hurt or I don't care what they think or say. We have to find a way to go on...

[cathyrains]

Truth? worst transphobia I had to overcome thus far was my own. My own toxic shame was the biggest transphobe I've ever known. It damn near killed me.

[Natalie]

No matter how much you progress in life there will always be violence, harassment, intolerance, pain, anguish, insults, and transphonia one has to deal with to some degree. I had to file two discrimination complaints at my University thus far. A place ranked one of the GLBT friendliest Universities in the United States.

[LilDevilOfPrada]

I lost all my companions when I came out, but you know what I made new knows who didn't care if I was male or female. If they care about you they will stay.

That being said be careful who you tell as it could lead to bad situations depending where you live.

[Natalie]

You should see the private messages I've been receiving from one of the "staff" here.

"Your belief that you're so smart, so wonderfully fascinating, oh so lovely? Please. Your grandiosity and jealousy reveal you for what you truly are: mentally ill. You need help. Look at your posts and your messages to me: it's all the same nonsensical belief that everyone is jealous of you so I ask again: jealous of what? You have nothing for me to envy. You are nothing for me to envy. You are petty, pedantic, mean-spirited, arrogant, and generally unpleasant and obviously, easily rattled. Your leather bitch exterior masks an inner turmoil that you lash out with against people here and for that, I pity you. "

What did I say to this person? I told her not to confuse being educated and having money as having a self-entitled attitude. That is it. I call this invective display verbal abuse. Clearly envy and jealousy are the motivating factors here.