am i obligated to tell my future husband im transgender?

[ImagineKate]

I don't have to explain, my husband is my dilator, but he knows my history.

Exactly.

[Lostkitten]

Seeing your newest thread I also felt like responding to this one.

I don't really see it as an option. It isn't about gender. You were born with a handicap just as well how a cis woman could be incapable to give birth. It is only fair to let someone know instead of crushing dreams later on when they set their mind on it. He already been asking for it and no matter how you responded to it, its most likely a lie. Do you want to live a lie to the person closest to you? Also, you want to be happy. But is his happiness and being honest with him not part of that too?

It is understandable not wanting to tell about being transgender. People do tend to see you differently or treat you differently. But fill it in with an excuse then which suits for transgender problems. Give it a different name, or something. But don't go lying. It will add up and hit a lot harder later on.

[Michelle G]

Don't take this the wrong way but in my time I've seen some "good Christians" change in the blink of the eye and get real judgmental and lose understanding over things like this, please be careful....only you know his personality and hopefully what "breaking news" he can handle.   

[Jessica Merriman]

One thing you may want to consider on this. I do know this happens because of my career. Would you want him to find out you are trans while you are unconscious in an Emergency Room after a car accident or sudden illness? Being your husband they would be asking him for clearance for various types of procedures. This means the doctor will be asking questions like "When was her surgery", "What are her HRT dosages" and many others. Not to out you, but to make sure the care they provide is adequate and compatible for your health. This is one scenario even the most stealth person can be outed in. Stealth is a dream in todays world. Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.

[primrose]

I personally would never enter a relationship with someone who didn't know I was trans. Being trans is a huge thing to just sweep it under the rug. Besides I want the man I'm with to accept me for my true self and lets not forget that we will never be cis. I just find hiding this from your partner a bit creepy and disingenuous. If he finds out not only can he dump you but sue yoxur a.. as well.

[Susan522]

Seeing your newest thread I also felt like responding to this one.

I don't really see it as an option. It isn't about gender. You were born with a handicap just as well how a cis woman could be incapable to give birth. It is only fair to let someone know instead of crushing dreams later on when they set their mind on it. He already been asking for it and no matter how you responded to it, its most likely a lie. Do you want to live a lie to the person closest to you? Also, you want to be happy. But is his happiness and being honest with him not part of that too?

It is understandable not wanting to tell about being transgender. People do tend to see you differently or treat you differently. But fill it in with an excuse then which suits for transgender problems. Give it a different name, or something. But don't go lying. It will add up and hit a lot harder later on.

In general, I tend to agree with Kirey.  The difficult and IMHO more important question is 'when' and 'how'.  Nobody said it would be easy.

Stealth is a dream in todays world.

Then I suppose the goal might be to LIVE one's dreams.

The guilt will eat you up

.  Maybe yes, maybe no.  In my experience  it did not.

[Shodan]

  Then I suppose the goal might be to LIVE one's dreams.

But at what point does it become harmful and toxic to you, and to the ones you care about?

[ImagineKate]

One thing you may want to consider on this. I do know this happens because of my career. Would you want him to find out you are trans while you are unconscious in an Emergency Room after a car accident or sudden illness? Being your husband they would be asking him for clearance for various types of procedures. This means the doctor will be asking questions like "When was her surgery", "What are her HRT dosages" and many others. Not to out you, but to make sure the care they provide is adequate and compatible for your health. This is one scenario even the most stealth person can be outed in. Stealth is a dream in todays world. Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.

As a former member of law enforcement I will second this. What if you get arrested? Your medical history as well as any names and identities that you may have used the in the past could come up. I've responded to many strange things including domestic violence and trust me a lot of things come out and the end result is not pretty. Save yourself the trouble.

In fact here in NJ when you change your name it's published in the newspaper. I'm not sure what the process is in California but it's possible if someone goes digging deep enough they will find stuff.

[Skeptoid]

I've just never understood why anyone here would even want to date a transphobe.

[Susan522]

But at what point does it become harmful and toxic to you, and to the ones you care about?

I honestly cannot answer that.  I don't know.  I have never had that problem.

[Jaz650]

   Also should a devout Christian lie? I am a believer myself and would not even consider NOT telling my future spouse. The guilt will eat you up.

Catholics believe in forming their consciences. I personally was thought as a teenager not to tell anyone. I grew up only disclosing my as female. I went to high school as a regular girl. The only two boyfriends I've ever had didn't know. This is very difficult, because I've also convinced myself I am a girl, so know one should know anything about my childhood. My conscience, my heart, and God tell me, I am God's daughter. I believe I am not lying, but it would be sinful if I hurt him when he finds out... I have to tell him, thanks Jessica. No one deserves to feel hurt by someone they love and trust. Thanks to all of you I understand that at least the person who I should share everything has the right to know, because truth is love. God bless you all.

[Jaz650]

Wait a moment. You're pre-op and you dated a wonderful young man for two years without him knowing? I don't get it... How the **** wouldn't he figured out?

I'm Christian I'm not planning on having sex till a Christian marriage, you shouldn't either.

[kelly_aus]

You appear to live in CA.. Here's a thought..

Say you don't disclose and marry a guy.. And a few years down the track he finds out and chooses to divorce you. Having seen what the divorce process was like for a friend, I can almost guarantee that any divorce that he instigates as a result of his discovery is going to be very, very costly for you. 

[Jess42]

Catholics believe in forming their consciences. I personally was thought as a teenager not to tell anyone. I grew up only disclosing my as female. I went to high school as a regular girl. The only two boyfriends I've ever had didn't know. This is very difficult, because I've also convinced myself I am a girl, so know one should know anything about my childhood. My conscience, my heart, and God tell me, I am God's daughter. I believe I am not lying, but it would be sinful if I hurt him when he finds out... I have to tell him, thanks Jessica. No one deserves to feel hurt by someone they love and trust. Thanks to all of you I understand that at least the person who I should share everything has the right to know, because truth is love. God bless you all.

Seriously though Jaz, If he can't love you for all that you are now and ever was, then he isn't worth it. Seriously though no on else has to know but that will definitely put love to the test and if he can't accept you for everything you are or ever was, then his isn't a true love and you deserve so much more than that. We are all God's daughters and sons regardless of genetalia or birth gender. Our Spirits are From God, our bodies come from this world and will eventually become part of this planet again after our Spirits have vacated the Earthly vessels we inhabit. But you deserve to be loved and cherished for everything about you, not just an image. And accept no less. Anything less isn't true or worth it.

[TSJasmine]

This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?

[Jaz650]

Actually, I think we should tell them. It will hurt them when they find out for themselves, and we shouldn't hurt the people we love. I guess that's true, even if in the end we end up being hurt.

[Shodan]

This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?

Because a marriage based off of mistrust won't last regardless of whether or not he finds out.

[ImagineKate]

This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?

Because we live in an Information Age in 2014 and it's very easy to find out stuff if you really go looking.

Let's say he suspects that you're cheating. He hires a PI. The PI digs up info about you and finds out your old name, and that is enough to raise suspicion. As a matter of fact if you've had certain licenses from the federal government or other interaction with the government, especially law enforcement, your entire history is public record and available freely on the Internet. It's not hard to find stuff about people these days and it's better he hears it from you rather than finding it out on his own.

[LizMarie]

Here's a question for those saying they should not let potential spouses know - what if you manage to get by without revealing your secret, you adopt children, and then... one of those kids turns out to be trans.

Imagine that for a moment. If your spouse could not handle you being trans, how will they handle a child being trans? Will you stay with your spouse even as they demean and deny your child's identity?

I know this is an unlikely scenario but think about it even still. Will you stand there as your husband and his friends make jokes about she-males, ->-bleeped-<-s, and men in dresses? Why would you marry someone like that anyway?

1 Cor: 4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails.  But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

If your love cannot survive you being trans, is it really love?

[Hideyoshi]

This thread pops up a lot & honestly, f**k that. I'm not gonna tell my husband :p Whyyy would he need to know? like..., yolo..?

What childish advice. It's called honesty. There's only so much you can bend the truth until it becomes deception.