Telling friends that I'm questioning my gender?

[darkblade]

Hello,

At this point my closest friends already know that I'm wondering whether I'm FtM, but I'm wondering whether it would help to include some of my not-too-close friends in this as well.

I'm thinking about 5 of my classmates from high school (that are close friends amongst each other but I'm not all that close with them), we graduated three years ago and we're still in touch but I see most of them around 2-3 times a year, and I don't text them all that much, but we're still in touch. One of them attends university with me and so we're closer, but I wouldn't say we're that close, I used to tell her lots of stuff about me but I haven't mentioned this gender stuff yet. I vaguely mentioned it in passing to another one of them. In my head I was thinking that once I have everything figured out I'd come out to them first, see how they react and such. I'm almost certain they'd be accepting, so that's not really a worry.

But now I'm thinking they might be able to help me think through stuff, since high school for me was when I became most aware that I simply didn't fit in with other girls, and they all picked up on that. During at least the first two years of high school people were always telling me how I acted like a guy, and stuff like that. I didn't even know I liked girls at the time, they kind of "told" me. So I'm just thinking that they might be able to point out stuff I did that I hadn't noticed, or just say stuff like, "yeah you always seemed kind of like a guy to me" or "nah I think you're just not too feminine, but you're still pretty much a girl." I think even that would help with figuring stuff out. I just don't want to end up having told everyone I know that I'm questioning and possibly ending up realizing that I'm just female.

You guys think trying to get together with them and talking about this would be a good idea? I don't really want to bias my thoughts, but I've been overanalyzing every memory that sticks out to me and it might be useful to see others' perception of me. Currently only one person from my high school class knows about what I'm thinking through, but she wouldn't be looking at things from the point of view this group of friends would, and besides she wasn't around for the first year of high school which was pretty much a defining year in terms of my identity I think.

Thanks

[Leah443]

For now i would suggest that you keep it with only those that you know well. i don't know your friends but when just coming out it is best to only confide in those closest to you to start with. again just a suggestion.

[gabimoneratt]

I think you'd be better off talking to a gender therapist... People can pick up on stuff but this issue is a lot more complex than what the general population can understand. There are more feminine men who are still men(trans or not) , more tomboyish girls who are still girls(again, trans or not)... By asking friends about such a deep subject is like asking them if you have this or that disease(like ebola, for example). Only a doctor can really tell you because they're the only ones who are specialized in diseases and such, friends might know some symptoms but won't be able to tell you whether you have or not a certain disease. It's the same for gender issues,  they might say you're more tomboyish,  but they can't really tell you or truly help you with the gender issue.
I think, since you're only questioning, telling way too many people will not be helpful. Seek a gender therapist, they'll be able to help you figure yourself out... Then you can talk to your friends about if as you're figuring yourself out

[Ms Grace]

You can't hope for or expect friends and others to resolve this question for you. You need to speak to a gender counsellor to work these issues through. Personally I never told anyone until I was sure about myself and what I was doing about it, most people even friends, don't like having to deal with these issues for others especially when there doesn't appear to be a definite resolution in short order.

[darkblade]

Thanks guys, I guess you're right. Shouldn't be involving other people that can't even understand anyways.

[Tessa James]

Hey DB,

I think most of us here will respect your unique journey and encourage you to be yourself.  Something so very deeply personal as our core identity also has a salacious element to it.  In my experience even some our best friends cannot stop from sharing such juicy gossip.  When we lose control of the narrative others tell our story and, like the post office party game, by the time it goes around there is little of your truth left. 

There is value in other perspectives that may confirm, validate or, conversely, challenge our identity but what investment do they have in you or what might they feel is a loss or threat?

I agree that a good and experienced gender therapist/counselor is your best bet for sorting this out.