Stressing about Christmas

[adrian]

<begin rant>I just want it over as quickly as possible.

I keep thinking it's probably the last Christmas I get to spend with my husband.

I don't want to meet my family and pretend everything's great (I'm not out to them). I don't want them to comment on my new (to them) haircut or how I dress. I don't even know how to dress.

I'm worried my husband will give me something "girly". I'm out to him, but he simply doesn't get it. We agreed he'd give me a new backpack. We went to buy one together, along with some other stuff, and I paid for everything. So this looks like he has a different present.
</end rant>

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Adrian.

The "holiday season" really puts stress on people who are facing painful problems, because there's so much peer pressure to be festive.

Remember to be good to yourself - to find time to do some of the things that help make you feel true to who you are.

And also remember, you  are not obligated to please other people. That's their job. The only expectations you need to live up to are your own.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

[Broken-hearted]

I want it over too. I feel the same way about Christmas this year.
I can't buy the usual stuff for him this year for fear that I may hurt his feelings.  I feel bad that I can't bring myself to buy female clothing for him. In all the years we've been together, he's never bought any for me but he certainly knows how to buy for himself.  I feel sad that he never cared to buy anything like what he buys for himself for me. 

These days I literally feel like an ant next to him. He doesn't hear or listen to me.  Most times he doesn't acknowledge me.  If he says 2 words to me that's more than enough for him.

I don't want this to be our last Christmas together but there's no escaping the hate I feel from him towards me. I don't have other family to spend Christmas with either.  He burnt those bridges for both of us a long, long time ago.
Christmas is supposed to be about love not hate.

He thinks I have it easy because I was born a female and he wasn't.  This is not my fault but he always makes me feel like it is.

[adrian]

Thank you, Suzi.

Sorry you're having a hard time too, broken-hearted.

I must say, I have always dreaded Christmas, even before acknowledging I'm trans*. Sigh...

[Natalie]

I don't even celebrate holidays anymore...no point in it.

[Dee Marshall]

...
He thinks I have it easy because I was born a female and he wasn't.  This is not my fault but he always makes me feel like it is.

Hugs! I hope you're wrong about his feelings, because what you describe is despicable. I honestly find it easier on me to attribute behavior like that to less hateful thoughts, but I do find myself disappointed sometimes (often) when the person finally speaks. We're here for you.

[Broken-hearted]

He actually said that once.  I don't ask him how I look or if he likes what I'm wearing because he gets upset.

I understand transitioning takes its toll on the person transitioning.  I'm not the one in transitioning so I cannot feel everything he feels.  But I have my own hangups and emotions about myself. 

I don't have a support system in place to help reconcile all the feelings I have.  This time of year has always been stressful for me but this year may determine whether or not I want to celebrate it again which complicates matters because we have small children.

Sorry.

[Dee Marshall]

Don't be sorry, your feelings are valid and you have the right to express them. Sometimes people say things when they're hurting that they don't quite mean, or so my son's girlfriend told me yesterday when I poured my heart out to her about my wife. I doubt that's true all the time, but sometimes. I hope you and your spouse can come to an accommodation you can both live with, whether together or apart.

[Gothic Dandy]

I keep thinking it's probably the last Christmas I get to spend with my husband.

I keep thinking that, too. I have to be careful not to actually say it! Simply mentioning something about taking my transition to the next level sounds like "I want a divorce" to him, and hurts him so much because it's not what he wants. He keeps hoping I'll change my mind about being FTM.

I'm DREADING Christmas with family because clothes are a popular go-to gift (I already got a few new items for my birthday that I'll probably never wear, and don't have the receipts, gotta figure this one out) and obviously they're going to get me girl clothes. I often disliked what they got me in the first place, but I'd keep them in my wardrobe for at least a little while to act grateful. Now, there's no way that's happening. On the plus side, I can probably exchange all this stuff for men's clothes instead, haha!

It's not really the fact that they'll get me female clothes, more that I'll feel awful receiving gifts that I can't accept.

I'm also freaking out about my identity a lot more in general, and wish I could tell the world who I really am. But I don't want to do it around the holidays, which are already stressful for everybody. Christmas already ticks me off to begin with because, in my family, I never formally announced that I'm a different religion and have a more important winter holiday on a different day. I HAVE told this to my inlaws, and they still forget, or think of it as an inferior holiday because it's not Christian. So Christmas this year is going to have me twice as in-the-closet as before, and I hate feeling like a big fat lie on two legs.

I've already gotten hair comments. They weren't so bad. They were quick, too,  just quips without conversations. That was nice.

~

Broken-hearted, perhaps counseling would help? You need someone to talk to--you are in just as much pain as he is! It's hard for both people. He (she?) is wrong to take out that pain on you, or make you feel guilty for being you, just wow! What envy! That's not the way one should treat someone they love. My philosophy with children is that they thrive with happy parents. If you stay together but are always feeling awful and arguing, your kids will grow up in that environment. If you manage to stay together happily, that's fantastic, but don't be afraid to leave if your emotional health is counting on it.

[adrian]

I keep thinking that, too. I have to be careful not to actually say it! Simply mentioning something about taking my transition to the next level sounds like "I want a divorce" to him, and hurts him so much because it's not what he wants. He keeps hoping I'll change my mind about being FTM.

I'm DREADING Christmas with family because clothes are a popular go-to gift (I already got a few new items for my birthday that I'll probably never wear, and don't have the receipts, gotta figure this one out) and obviously they're going to get me girl clothes. I often disliked what they got me in the first place, but I'd keep them in my wardrobe for at least a little while to act grateful. Now, there's no way that's happening. On the plus side, I can probably exchange all this stuff for men's clothes instead, haha!

It's not really the fact that they'll get me female clothes, more that I'll feel awful receiving gifts that I can't accept.

I'm also freaking out about my identity a lot more in general, and wish I could tell the world who I really am. But I don't want to do it around the holidays, which are already stressful for everybody. Christmas already ticks me off to begin with because, in my family, I never formally announced that I'm a different religion and have a more important winter holiday on a different day. I HAVE told this to my inlaws, and they still forget, or think of it as an inferior holiday because it's not Christian. So Christmas this year is going to have me twice as in-the-closet as before, and I hate feeling like a big fat lie on two legs.

I've already gotten hair comments. They weren't so bad. They were quick, too,  just quips without conversations. That was nice.

That sounds like a similarly awkward situation, oh my [emoji33] .

I just wish I could blend in with the floor and not be noticed. I have always hated people commenting on my looks -- and I don't even mean negative comments. Any comments really.

I'll have to tell my family next year, but I couldn't bring myself to doing it yet. Fun times ahead.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Ditto here.  I'm in the middle of a family obligation right now and I'm miserable.  Got a full week of this

[Fixate]

am able to relate as have always felt stressed out with christmas,its a massive change to the norm.

however,for the very first time,am actualy enjoying it because last year four months over christmas was sectioned in a intelectual disability acute hospital and was unable to take part in anything christmassy,it just felt like another day whilst the rest of the western world were in a festive mood.

[adrian]

Well,  guess what -- I survived. I'm very relieved. I ended up finding something to wear that I thought was OK (black jeans, black button-down shirt). The comments on my hair were brief. No gendered gifts. Guess what my husband gave me: a tandem skydiving jump.
[emoji16]

[FriendsCallMeChris]

So glad it turned out well, Adrian!