"Just a Phase"?

[Gerby]

Hi, again...

I realize I'm posting pretty often here, but writing has and most likely will continue to help me pour my feelings out, and each and every reply helps in great amounts. Not to mention that this forum is the only reason I had the confidence to come out and tell anyone I know about my thoughts and problems.

As usual, most of the info about me are in my other posts scattered around the youth board and there might be one in the introductions board. Anyway, I guess I should continue on with what I'm making this post about. The basic information you'll need to know about me is: A) I'm 12. B) I'm currently still male, and extremely unhappy with that.

Right, now that that's over with, I recently saw my family doctor about my thoughts. I'm aware this wasn't the best person to see, but I really needed to talk to someone. The appointment itself was... rather demoralising, to say the least. Essentially, I waited two hours to see him, got into his office, and ended up sitting through 30 minutes of him essentially saying "It's a phase, and therefore I recommend you do nothing about it yet.". And then I left on the verge of tears -- not because I didn't expect him to say this -- but mostly because him having said this brought up even more thoughts of "What if it is a phase?". I'm confident it's not, in fact I really hope it's not. But there's still a good chance it is. And so, I guess this post is mostly to see if anyone could kind of put those thoughts to rest for at least a short time?

This week I'm going to see a doctor at a clinic that specializes in gender and sexuality, so I'm hoping that will go better. I've kind of told myself that my doctor didn't know what he was talking about, and that's why he made the assumption it was most likely a phase. But, the unfortunate truth is, he probably does know what he's talking about.

I'm currently not attending school due to some family complications and my being a whiny 1st-world-problem'd child. Either way, I plan to go back in late March, and I hope to be -- at very least -- seeing a gender therapist by then. I understand that this is a long, and hard journey, but everything feels too slow even in the first months of said journey (there are my whiny 1st-world-problems again.).

Before I post an even bigger wall of text, I might as well end it here. Thanks for reading n' stuff.

[Kaydee]

Gerby,
I am sorry you had such a bad experience.  But hang on and you will find someone who will be able to work with you and help you to decide whether or not you are tran* and what you want to do about it.  If it helps I am almost 60 and my mom still thinks its a phase.   Yeah, a long phase.

Only you can determine who you really are.  I know the rejection hurts when you are looking for help and confirmation.  But forget the experience and look forward to the coming appointment.  One would hope you will get someone willing to listen to you at a gender clinic.

Whatever you do don't let anyone else define you as transgender of not.  Find yourself through the help of a therapist and then stick to it.  It may be a phase.  I my ignorant opinion its likely more than a phase given your age.

Thanks for sharing and welcome (again?) to Susan's.

[DriftingCrow]

You seem very well spoken and articulate, you'll do well speaking with a gender therapist. That person will be better able to analyze what's going on than a family doctor. Most family doctors don't have much training, if any, in dealing with trans* issues, especially trans* youth issues.

Feelings about gender being more complex than the label society gives you, and feeling like you don't align with what society tells you to be is never a phase. A phase is doing something simply to be cool or different, not necessarily because it's your true self. You don't feel a certain way about your inner being because of a phase.

[Gerby]

Gerby,
I am sorry you had such a bad experience.  But hang on and you will find someone who will be able to work with you and help you to decide whether or not you are tran* and what you want to do about it.  If it helps I am almost 60 and my mom still thinks its a phase.   Yeah, a long phase.

Only you can determine who you really are.  I know the rejection hurts when you are looking for help and confirmation.  But forget the experience and look forward to the coming appointment.  One would hope you will get someone willing to listen to you at a gender clinic.

Whatever you do don't let anyone else define you as transgender of not.  Find yourself through the help of a therapist and then stick to it.  It may be a phase.  I my ignorant opinion its likely more than a phase given your age.

Thanks for sharing and welcome (again?) to Susan's.

Thanks so much for the reply and welcome, it really helps. And I definitely am excited for my appointment at the clinic, I do expect they'll be more qualified to deal with these kinds of things.

You seem very well spoken and articulate, you'll do well speaking with a gender therapist. That person will be better able to analyze what's going on than a family doctor. Most family doctors don't have much training, if any, in dealing with trans* issues, especially trans* youth issues.

Feelings about gender being more complex than the label society gives you, and feeling like you don't align with what society tells you to be is never a phase. A phase is doing something simply to be cool or different, not necessarily because it's your true self. You don't feel a certain way about your inner being because of a phase.

And same to you, thanks so much!

[Taius]

You do DEFINITELY seem very articulate. A therapist/counselor will be able to work with that very well, and help you along your way to deciphering what's going on. Family physicians while generally trusted are not well versed in the psychological aspects of all of their patients, so their reactions are heavily dependent on their own background.

A family doctor who's from a conservative background will likely bring all of that bias with them, the same as a doctor who's from a very liberal background.

Whereas someone who's well versed in psychology as a profession will generally be a bit more inclined to focus on the examination of their patient's 'self', and less on their physical ailments.

As far as it being a phase goes, many people delude themselves into thinking it's a phase when a family member comes out. As Kaydee said, some people can even force themselves to believe phases can last long into their family member's late adult lives. Haha
The truth is though, you're much more aware of your gender than many at your age, so speaking with a counselor will be the absolute best in discerning how you're feeling, where you're going, and how to get there.

Oh! And don't forget, ask the doctor you see at this gender clinic if they can recommend any counselors, or therapists to help you better understand yourself. There may even be one who works at that clinic.

[HoneyStrums]

I Dont think I can realy be of any help here.... But.

Given your only 12, It might be. My advise to you is (considering you yourself are still not 100% sure its not a phase) is to wait 4-6 more year and re evaluate the situation.

I Know thats is easyer said then dpne. Butt still far better then regretting a mistake.

[Matt A]

This time last year I didn't even know I was male. It took me a good few months to be sure this isn't a phase.

Some of us take weeks to know who we are, some of us take years.

When I came here I had a lot of questions that I asked in posts and in chat, am I masculine enough? Is it a phase? Is it because of depression?

These questions can't be answered by people other than yourself, and for a while you might not know yourself.

Take your time, there's no rush. We're all here for you on the way
-Matthew

[Ms Grace]

Adults see young people take up new "interests" and then drop them within a week, so they are almost always inclined to put gender issues in the same basket. That doctor sounds like a massive jerk though and I'd suggest you speak to your folks about seeing a counsellor, you don't necessarily have to tell them it is for gender issue. Speaking through your feelings with someone who is likely to be more qualified, understanding and supportive will hopefully be a much more productive path.

[kelly_aus]

Talking to someone with experience is probably the best idea right now. I was 12 when I worked it all out, just wish I'd been able to accept it and do something about it, but 1987 wasn't the time or place for it.

I Dont think I can realy be of any help here.... But.

Given your only 12, It might be. My advise to you is (considering you yourself are still not 100% sure its not a phase) is to wait 4-6 more year and re evaluate the situation.

I Know thats is easyer said then dpne. Butt still far better then regretting a mistake.

Possibly the worst advice I've seen.. And possibly harmful.

[StrykerXIII]

12's a hectic time in life...hormones kick in, sexual orientation suddenly starts to matter, adults suddenly give you more responsibilities...you've already got all the unholy piles of school work and homework to deal with...gods, it's been 12 years since that for me, but I haven't forgotten. Best thing you can do is find yourself a gender therapist who won't just sign it off due to your age.

Um...probably not my business, but do your parents know? That may factor heavily into your options.

[ThePhoenix]

Given your only 12, It might be. My advise to you is (considering you yourself are still not 100% sure its not a phase) is to wait 4-6 more year and re evaluate the situation.

Possibly the worst advice I've seen.. And possibly harmful.

One of the big issues with treating gender dysphoria in children is that they usually do not grow up to be trans*, actually.  There's not a huge amount of study on this issue, but in fact two studies in 2008 reached this same outcome independently.  That's one of the complicating factors in treating trans* children.  It's also why puberty blockers tend to be the treatment of choice at an age like 12.  Hormones come later once there is a higher degree of certainty that the child's gender dysphoria is a permanent thing and not something that will fade away over time with or without therapy.  So there is a basis for what ButterflyVickster was saying, and it requires a more thoughtful response than just dismissing it as the worst advice in the world. 

I do disagree with ButterflyVickster about waiting 4-6 years.  By then testosterone makes irrevocable changes in most people.  Young transition is helpful in many ways including avoiding "wrong puberty" issues and avoiding a lot of the discrimination that the rest of us face. 

I would recommend that Gerby start by seeing a psychologist experienced in gender identity issues specifically in children.  That begins the process of figuring out whether they are likely to be one of those who see it go away or whether this is likely to be a permanent state of affairs that requires treatment.  It sounds like Gerby is heading in the right direction.  I would encourage that.  It's the right step toward figuring it out.

[Damara]

Talking to someone with experience is probably the best idea right now. I was 12 when I worked it all out, just wish I'd been able to accept it and do something about it, but 1987 wasn't the time or place for it.

Possibly the worst advice I've seen.. And possibly harmful.

I agree! :O

[adrian]

I just want to second what most people said: speak to the specialist -- hopefully they'll have a much better idea of what an adequate response to your concerns would be.

Yes. It could be a phase. But the correct response to that isn't suggesting this and sending you home. Even if it were a phase -- what you are feeling now is real and needs attention. And the right kind of attention would be looking into blockers to give you time to figure out what your identity is and how you wish to fulfill this identity -- accompanied by support by a counselor to help you ask the right questions, test hypotheses about yourself and so on.

Let us know how things are going for you!

[Gerby]

Oh my. Thank you so much for the replies everyone, I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back to replying quite yet. I'm not dead!

So, the appointment definitely went much better than the one I had with my fam. doctor. At least the people at the clinic actually respected and listened to what I had to say instead of instantly passing it off as a phase. I was actually wrong about it being a gender clinic; it was actually a sexual health clinic, so to my knowledge, they dealed more with STDs than they did trans* issues and gender issues. However, I did get a refferral to a transgender youth clinic in the area. Though, after calling the youth clinic, it became clear that they didn't accept people that weren't already identified. This lead to them telling us that there was a clinic that identified children in the area, but the wait list was a year+. After a little while of back and forth, my (amazing) mom managed to figure out that the doctor I've been seeing about my anxiety can identify me, and I have an appointment with him on March 23rd, was it? I think it was the 23rd or 24th. So here's to hoping that I can tell him and that if I can, all goes well.

Once again, thank you so much everyone. Just reading these replies has helped so much as I started feeling worse and worse. I'm so glad I found this site.

[Kaydee]

I am happy to see you had a somewhat positive experience at the clinic.   I think you will find many more people accepting than opposed.   Be strong in May, speak with the doctor and hopefully he can identify you and get you into the gender clinic.  If not, there will be other opportunities if you just keep trying to open doors.  Don't stop trying.