Did you ever have an earlier moment in life you could have come out but did not

[JenSquid]

Once, a little over ten years ago. I investigated transsexualism online, as I knew something was up, but I ultimately wasn't ready to accept it. Especially since being somewhat androgynous, I didn't seem to fit the narratives I was seeing. It was encountering other trans-people later on that caused the pieces to fall into place for me. Looking back, I kinda wished I done more then, but I guess I wasn't ready.

[Stevie]

  When I was 25 back in the 80's  I had 30 thousand dollars in the bank with some vague idea of doing what Wendy Carlos had done.
Then I meet my wife and tried to be a "normal" guy it worked for a few years then I just started to die inside, however she does support me now and has more confidence in me than I do. So now I am focusing on looking forward, I have already spent too many years grieving about how it could of been.

[infinity]

i believe there were a few times, but since i have a horrible memory, the only situation i can recall at the moment occurred when was 12 or 13 years old, when my mother took away the majority of my older brother's hand-me-downs. with male clothes being the only thing i wore, my mother wanted me to appear more feminine and "wear some nicer things". i remember feeling devastated, and came close to telling her that i would rather be a boy than girl. at the time, i didn't know there was a term for that feeling.

[DeanJulian]

Yeah, just a few weeks ago I had the perfect chance to come out to my mom, but I wasn't brave enough. She would say it's a phase anyway so there was no point, but it was the perfect chance, and i missed it 

[stephee72]

Julia,
Thank as for your words..No no one in my world knows any of this..I sort of told a major lie or two along the way to my wife, which is another whole shameful story,  I dont have a therapist, i did try once when my wife was very ill and i was stuck holding up the family with two young kids. It was more for stress and depression. I came close a few times to tell the woman i was seeing, but just chickened out.  I never thought she was any good anyway.

[JoanneB]

I "experimented" with transitioning twice in my early 20's. Both times ending it, opting to live as a normalish male. While it is so easy now to look back and say could have, would have, should have, I know in my heart of hearts how badly it would have turned out if I did follow through.

Emotionally, I was a cripple. No way would I have had the inner strength, nor the ability to learn or develop the skills, or the skin, you need to go through a full transition. However, I also consider myself blessed I have not signed up for the Transition or Die club. Came close a few times, but never putting pen to paper. So perhaps that is why I can say following through would have ended badly, I had options. Still sort of ended.... not badly, but not ideally either.

I have no doubt I would not be 1/2 the person I am today, accomplished so many amazing things in my life, and now strong enough and healthy enough to very seriously consider and work towards a full transition

[Kellam]

Big yup on this one. When I was in junior high, not long after my Pop found me in some of my Mom's clothes (he had also found a stash I had of other things and told her I didn't know about that untill recently, which was another chance gone by) on the way home from summer camp. My Mom and I were alone in the car and she told me it was ok if I was gay. My asexuality trumped gender on that one. There were a few more times when my folks tried to get me to come out as gay. But I just went deeper into my closets.

The most optimal moment would have been a few years later in highschool. My little brother confronted me with my duffle bag full of purloined clothing and he was holding my diary confessing everything. I just pannicked in abject terror and begged for his respect. I took the bag from him and prommissed to throw it away, told him it was nothing. I didn't put it straight in the trash because I woried my folks would find it. On trash day I snuck it out under his supervision. When I watched the garbage truck leave with what felt like me inside of it I felt like I died.

The thing is I think they, all three, would have loved and supported me. But my Pop's Pop would have disowned me and he, my Grandma and autistic Uncle lived next door. I was scared of the people in the town I grew up in, they already treated me like an outcast, I couldn't bear to help things get worse. My Mom had also wanted me to be a boy, my brother was supposed to be the daughter. I felt intensely obligated  to fulfill my role as the eldest son as well. My Pop and brother deserved it. I've always been kinda submissive and un assertive.

I don't know if I could have handled transition back then, my self worth was deep in the crapper. My only regret comes purely from vanity. 'Cause I would have been gorgeous! After the acne cleared anyway. But now I can be the woman I was meant to be, even if the girl never had a chance. I'll be staying with my Mom at the end of March/early April. I think I may finally tell my folks then, when better than springtime?

[aleon515]

Well actually, when I was about 7 or so, I told my mom I was a boy, not a girl. To call me "Billy". I believe my parents thought this was cute. I was lucky in that I wasn't punished for it, otoh, which back in the 50s-50s would be the typical thing.

Tysillo, I had a very androgynous existence. I also had (actually more than one) therapist insist that I was not feminine enough. I more or less ignored them.

--Jay

[Alexis79]

I had two, both at 11 and 13 years ago:

The first time, my best friend (she still is) and huge trans ally was talking with a friend of hers going through transition at that time...and...I was feeling down and ignored. When I attenion whoreingly pestered her enough that she finally said what she was doing...talking to her friend who was having a rough time transitioning then...I felt so bad about both the pestering her....and the why I wanted her attention so bad...that I apologized and wished her and her other friend well and support. Ironically, I was depressed myself because...I was lonely (often was back then) and questioning "if I should've been born a girl, and what could I do to change and fix this?" I didn't tell her because I thought I would come off as an uber-douche attention whore trying to get her to talk to me me ME. I was so vulnerable, she could've tipped me over into transition by suggesting I consider it for myself, and I'd have blazed forward full steam ahead. But I didnt.

2 years later, I'd been walked out on by my then fiancee and was feeling much the same, but chickened out on the conversation, instead choosing to distract myself with games, job search, and whatever else I could.

[CynthiaAnn]

great older topic to find today, it was interesting reading other's responses...

My answer, started at age 8 (60's) when I told mother "I think i'm a girl", there was a level of self awareness back then. I was listened to and was already seeing counselors, I had terrible social issues and problems in school. My fledgling identity would have to go underground, and it did. I started dressing in my sisters and mom's clothes when I could get a way with it, and started building up my own stashes of girl clothes. I became good at hiding my inner self and put up many barriers.

I came out to my wife (before we married 1984) and she was somewhat supportive and we would go on shopping trips together for things, however I did not have access to resources to transition and lived a closeted life through my adult years. I was logging on to NNTP trans news groups in the late 80 and 90's as Internet access was everywhere  reading other trans folks stories. I became a big fan of TG fiction in the 90's. I would dress up on business trips to other cities, and go out briefly. 

My final phase was accepting this was not going away at age 51 and began full transition in 2010. I had far better access to professional care in this era !

Cynthia -

[Charlie Nicki]

Yes, I remember when I was 12-13 my parents took me to a therapist because of my "aggressive attitude" (years later when I was already an adult my mom confessed that the real reason was because they had found my gay porn on the computer) and I had to answer a bunch of questions from this woman, and one of the questions was: "Do you want to be a girl?", I knew I had to lie about my answer so I said no. Nowadays sometimes I wonder how much my life would have changed have I said yes.

[jkredman]

For me there were multiple opportunities, which in hindsight, if I knew then what I know now, I could have come out.

I almost came out in in 1993.

I was in the middle of a divorce.  My wife had left me for another woman.  We had / have 3 beautiful daughters, and at that time, assuming I came out, they probably would have been put in foster care.  I couldn't take that chance.

So I buried it for another 25 years.

Kate


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[big kim]

In March 1976 I was 18 &1/2 & out of control. drunk every night unless I was on my bike, off my face on speed & weed, smashed windows & fights in the bar with the  6 or 7 other hooligans I hung around with & anyone who dared go up against us, sometimes we joined in with the local football team's firm if there was a tasty firm visiting, had some epic scraps with Millwall, Preston & Bolton!. I got too big for my parents to lay a hand on me since I was 13, Dad said something, can't remember what but it got me so mad I put my fist through a window & threatened to kick the >-bleeped-< out of him, fortunately I got away with minor cuts. My parents booked me a doctors appointment & he asked me a load of questions, I laughed when he asked if I was gay ( I was bi but never acted on it til the next year), then he asked did I want to be a girl. Again I laughed & he suggested I cut down on drinking & quit drugs. I did for the rest of the week.
It would have gone badly had I transitioned in 1976 (or 1979 when I first planned to). I became a caricature of a man, a hard drinking, speed, coke & weed taking,muscle car driving pool shooting biker who chased girls (& boys!). it was 1989 before I sought treatment

[sarahc]

I really had three opportunities where I could have come out.

The first was in 1989 when I was 17 and my parents got divorced and I was offered to go into therapy as part of the divorce. I thought hard about it, but I knew that once in therapy I would feel a strong urge to express my desire to become a woman with the therapist. And I thought that was a really bad idea because of the turmoil it would cause to my family. So I decided not to accept the offer of therapy.

The second time was in 1998 after I had been working for three years after college. By this time, I knew that being transgender was a thing, and I had built up some savings and felt I had enough money to make a go of things. But I chickened out and went another path in my life, which really set a professional career track for the next 14 years that was hard to get off of. I would definitely say that part of the chickening out was being transition was still something really hard at that point, and I didn't want to do one year of RLE before being able to get access to hormones. (That was such a stupid medical practice...)

The third time was seven years ago after I had quit a very high-paying job. At that point, I had a huge amount of money saved up, so transition would have been pretty easy from a financial standpoint. Again, I thought really hard about going to a therapist. But I chickened out again - really no excuse for not transitioning then. (However, I did some very interesting and hopefully world-changing things with a non-profit during that time that wouldn't have happened had I transitioned.)

The fourth time was seven months ago, and I didn't chicken out.

[Victoria L.]

I think I first came out to my mom pretty quickly after learning that being transgender was a thing and not just me. If I had come out any sooner, I would have just said "I feel like I should be a girl" and it would have been awkward because I wouldn't have known it was anything that other people experienced, and it might have given her more of an upper hand when she rejected me and I would have taken it much more to heart.

However, certainly, I could have come back out sooner to her than I did this time (about mid-February). There were ten years of mostly silence on the subject. I was just too scared of hurting her. It took some pretty severe dysphoria to finally push me over the edge. The dysphoria has been ever present and did in fact bother me a whole lot in the last ten years, but it was earlier this year that I was like "I can't possibly go on like this. Sorry"

[Tribble]

I pilfered my cousin's drawer in 1986 or 1987.  A couple of weeks later my mom was putting my clothes in my drawers and found that little artifact.  She sat me down and asked, point-blank, "Would you rather be a girl?"  Of course, inside I was screaming, "YES!" but outside I replied, meekly, "No..."

She is supportive and would have been at the time, but I didn't know that.  Even so, she's completely shut that event out of her mind and does not remember it at all.  I've asked.

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I said, "YES!"  I'm not sure if the social pain I would have experienced would have been better or worse than my inner turmoil all those years.

[Rachel_Christina]

I did, but got forced back into hiding for 5 years :/

[Tribble]

I did, but got forced back into hiding for 5 years :/

It was only three years for me at the beginning of the century.  Did the whole evangelical church thing to try to rid me of those feelings, too.

[Rachel_Christina]

Nothing ever works either!

[Tribble]

Nothing ever works either!

Nope!

My latest purge (detransition) lasted a couple of years, but the real me keeps pulling me back.  Halfway there now.

I guess I needed this last experiment to really, truly verify to myself that I am me.