"gradual" coming out?

[Dena]

If your father is a doctor, tell him to come to the SO section of the web site as we have several doctors up here who he could talk to. Hormones if you are properly cared for will not harm your body. I took my first pill about 1978 and my last one 10 years ago and never suffered any damage from it. Many others out there can tell the same story. It is possible to have Aspergers and be transgender at the same time. They are controlled by different parts of the brain and have different causes. I know of one FTM for sure and I think there are a few others on this site. It isn't a reason to withhold treatment.

It appears the way to find you help will be dealing with your parents so ask them if they are willing to come here and have them create a separate log in so your account will be separate from theirs.

[kelly_1979]

For those who are wondering...

Well (obviously), despite trying to explain the whole thing to my parents and them reading the latest SOC, they still think it would be a very bad idea to follow that road. Even when I told my mother that I'm afraid going bald she said that I should just stop having so much anxiety; taking any kind of drug is good only for serious health issues. She keeps saying I shouldn't have so much anxiety and that it's bad for me, and when I try to tell her the reason for having this anxiety she's like "well you just have to tough it out...they are so many seriously ill people in the world who are in worse condition that you....".
After telling them so many times I've sadly come to the point that they'll probably never see me (?) for who I really am, so I guess I'm on my own on this.

[Paige]

she's like "well you just have to tough it out...they are so many seriously ill people in the world who are in worse condition that you....".
After telling them so many times I've sadly come to the point that they'll probably never see me (?) for who I really am, so I guess I'm on my own on this.

Hi Kelly,

It's so easy to be dismissive of being transgender if you're not transgender.  Would your mother have used the same line of reasoning 30 years ago if you told her you were gay?  Just stay in the closet?   

Sure it's understandable that parents don't want their children getting hurt, but what about the hurt on the inside?  Internal suffering can be just as bad as external.

As for your hair, there's very little risk to taking finasteride or dutasteride and they are prescribed all the time to people who aren't transgender. 

Take care,
Paige

[kelly_1979]

Ok, I won't do anything stupid but I so effing hate myself right now. Past months I've noticed general hair thinning (and yes, I know it's mpb) on the temples all the way to the crown (all these short hairs), which is driving me crazy. I know there are many mtf who are bald (no offense) and wear a toupee (?) but still I want to try to avoid it if I can. From the rate of short hairs appearing I figure I haven't much time left (months to 1.5 -2 years maximum).
I just suddenly feel old, hate even more my body and am still depressed. I thought I would have more time but apparently not...

I keep hitting myself (figuratively) why I ignored the whole thing for so long....
TMI: Yesterday after m...ing (yeah TMI) immediately after or...m I burst into tears.
Even people at work sometimes ask me why I look unhappy and I reply saying I just have lots of work to do...

My parents are now quite old, my Mother needs to have an operation (first stage uterus cancer) and I need to help them in a way so the whole thing is rather tricky. I've resigned myself (and told my mother too) to probably not having children. During a discussion with my parents they told me "we thought you would grow up to have a family, a normal career etc" (well life's different than you expect, you know). They keep saying I would feel better if I had friends, that I should go to a psychiatrist to help me with my stress (well there are certain REASONS for being so stressed and depressed, you can't just tell me not to be stressed without me actually doing something on these issues - something medical that is).

ok....enough ranting...

I really don't want to  harm myself, I'm just saying that right now if I didn't wake up tomorrow morning (died in my sleep) it wouldn't really matter.

[Dena]

There may be two solutions. First there are drugs to stop baldness that males normally take. The other option is while you don't want to transition while your parents are alive, blockers would buy you some time without changing your body. They would both stop the baldness and give you some relief from the feelings you have. Both of these solutions could be kept from your parents.

[kelly_1979]

Yeah, I'll try the first but I probably couldn't keep it from my parents since currently I don't have any extra money. Anyway, I'll try.
It's just that I feel I'm being pushed closer and closer to completely breaking down. I almost cried at work but managed to hide it. I know I can probably (can I?) just push my way through but my emotional status is almost completely unpredictable. I just feel so fake putting up this persona, I make cruel jokes and keep trying to "hide" until I feel it's "safe"....

edit: yeah...so much for trying...even trying to mention the facts that I need to take some drugs for my hair loss they started saying drugs can cause cancer (that I should see how so many patients are suffering from cancer) that they can cause permanent effects etc...
No matter how many times I try to elaborate how much I'm suffering they're just saying I shouldn't damage my health.
I don't get how they can be so stubborn....don't they understand how serious the situation is?

edit2: My mother just told me Dad took some Bromazepam to relax because he felt his heart. (Well they do care about me, but they are very afraid and still can't accept/ understand (?)) Really don't know what to believe...

[boheme]

Yeah, I'll try the first but I probably couldn't keep it from my parents since currently I don't have any extra money. Anyway, I'll try.
It's just that I feel I'm being pushed closer and closer to completely breaking down. I almost cried at work but managed to hide it. I know I can probably (can I?) just push my way through but my emotional status is almost completely unpredictable. I just feel so fake putting up this persona, I make cruel jokes and keep trying to "hide" until I feel it's "safe"....

edit: yeah...so much for trying...even trying to mention the facts that I need to take some drugs for my hair loss they started saying drugs can cause cancer (that I should see how so many patients are suffering from cancer) that they can cause permanent effects etc...
No matter how many times I try to elaborate how much I'm suffering they're just saying I shouldn't damage my health.
I don't get how they can be so stubborn....don't they understand how serious the situation is?

edit2: My mother just told me Dad took some Bromazepam to relax because he felt his heart. (Well they do care about me, but they are very afraid and still can't accept/ understand (?)) Really don't know what to believe...

Hi Kelly,

Your parents know that HRT isn't dangerous (risky, sure, but thousands take it without issues). Your parents knew long ago that you were not going to have a 'normal' career -- what percentage of people even attempt a PhD?

The fact is, your parents are scared. Your mother has cancer. They are both getting older. No doubt, they are feeling that they are not totally in control of their lives, and in a society predicated on the belief that we are creators of our own destiny, this can be a shocking, depressing reminder of how ephemeral our lives really are. Of course, your potential for transition is undoubtedly contributing to their anxiety.

But there are no threats. There is no violence. Your parents are scared, yes. But they know that in life, things do not always work out as planned. They may not want you to transition, but they unquestionably support your right to be happy, and to live your life as you wish... why else would they financially support you when they wish you had a 'normal' job, family, etc.?

The thing is, we're not actually afraid of what things that we cannot change. Your mother's illness is no doubt a great cause of stress for her, but once you are sick, it is pointless being afraid of it -- you just have to accept it, try and treat it as best you can, and do your best to not to let it drag you down and stop you living your life the way you want to.

The same goes with your dysphoria. Trust me, nobody wants it! But it is pointless being afraid of things you cannot change. You just have to accept it, treat it as best you can, and do your best to not let it drag you down and stop you living your life the way you want to.

Once you decide to do that, based on what you have told us, I have no doubt that your parents will be right there beside you

[Dena]

No matter how many times I try to elaborate how much I'm suffering they're just saying I shouldn't damage my health.
I don't get how they can be so stubborn....don't they understand how serious the situation is?

The statement comes to mind "I will be a healthy corpse if I don't receive treatment and commit suicide. The depression is real and sadly the numbers for us surviving aren't good without treatment. Anything that has that much emotional impact on a person may also affect on our health. Treatment can lower blood pressure and give us the incentive to do things like lose weight and take better care of our self. Your parents clearly are choosing to ignore the facts and live in a simple to deal with world.

[kelly_1979]

Kinda change subject - here's a question.

I know it's difficult to answer this just from what I've written up to this point but opinions are welcome.
As I've written before, where I work there is this girl ("D") with whom we're somewhat closer, at least compared to the rest of the people there.

She has had a serious relationship for years and after a "failed attempt" or "wrong understanding on my part" having a crush on her we reverted back to being just friends. I've met her boyfriend multiple times and we are in good terms. Still, despite the closeness things have been kinda awkward, at least as I see it. For example at the Christmas or New Years' Eve or when she has her birthday she hasn't allowed me to kiss her on the cheek, whereas when other girls have their birthdays they don't refuse a "friendly kiss". I don't know if there is any significance but I'm not sure why she does this. I mean I would like to be "closer" to her as a friend only but apparently there is a barrier.

As I've written in other posts, now and then I've let some hints about myself. I don't know if she has picked up or suspecting what I really am. Anyways, yesterday I got a free face cream sample from Clinique (via an SMS) and I asked her on Facebook something about it (whether you can also use it as eye cream) and she responded with "If you are going to ask stupid questions I won't answer. I attribute it to your suffering" (I was kinda sick that day). I then replied with "If you don't want to answer at least don't say I'm asking stupid questions". She still hasn't answered, despite reading it.

If she simply said something else it would have been better.

So, did I make a stupid mistake asking her about this? She was one of my only "friends".

[lostcharlie]

Kelly, I wouldn't worry about your co-worker being hesitant to allow the kiss on the cheek. I get the feeling from your posts that she was aware on some level of your crush or romantic feelings towards her. Not being open to the occasional kiss on the check can be her way of not encouraging romantic feelings on your part.
If your co-worker has only had hints that your transgender it leads me to think she still basically views you as male. This more than likely led to her not so helpful reply to your question about skin cream. Most woman are going to be a little uncomfortable with a person they view as male asking about things that are normally viewed as being in the realm of female activity. To put it more bluntly most women get a little uncomfortable around an average man that seems to know to much about what they view as female activities such as make up, manicures and women's fashion. This would also include a man asking to many questions about these things.

[kelly_1979]

So, I may have mentioned earlier about a colleague at my lab in the university, (call her D.), with whom we're fairly close.

To recap previous events, I've known her for ~ 3 years, a some time there was "mistaken understanding of hints - crush" (I thought she would have loved me but apparently she still had had a boyfriend). Anyway, after some time things got back to ~normal - as they were, but not exactly (still avoiding any real physical contact). Last year or so they have been certain "feminine" behaviors of mine :painted nails a few times, talked to her about nails or hair but it became awkward. A few months ago I had asked her something about a free face cream sample but she cut off the discussion abruptly.
Nowadays I often wear plain girl skinny jeans. Initially I got some comments like "hey nice jeans" or "you are too thin" but these days they are no comments whatsoever.

Few days ago D. told me and some colleagues (basically girls) that she broke up with her boyfriend (after 8 years). I didn't ask anything then. Later during the week she told me she was frustrated that her former boyfriend keeps contacting her as if nothing happened. I just replied saying that maybe it's because of the distance (he works on a island far away) and that fact they were together for so long.
(Obviously there was another reason they broke up but I didn't say anything else because I'm still like walking on the razor's edge so to say.)

[At least after I've accepted myself I'm not anymore really jealous of D's now former boyfriend - it's more "yeah ok". Like even if she could love me, it would be pretty much impossible to love me for who I actually am].

Some people have commented that I'm such a gossip guy (actually girl) when that initially they didn't think of me like that.

It's also confusing because I keep switching depending on who I'm talking to. On most guys and girls I put up my "male persona" (what's left of it) and only when with girls that I trust and I'm closer to I may loosen up and behave more like myself.

So they questions are....
1) how to behave in a way that's not totally "male" (I hate that) but also not blatantly fem thinking and talking about certain things? (I'm thinking of integrating some more feminine - ish things on my presentation but which could be classified as unisex).

2) what does D. really think of me? (Obviously still guy but....?)

I hope what I wrote makes sense....

[kelly_1979]

So much for not writing in the forum....

So far (sadly) I've done nothing on my trans issue....

I know I come off as stupid and needy but here goes:

-I am 38 years old now
-I haven't had a job (first Bachelor, then Msc and now 4 years in my semi-failed PhD). Thought it would be better to focus on completing my studies first. Stupid me.
-I'm 4.5 years into my Phd which, sadly, has been so far a disaster more or less. Meaning I don't have enough data to publish. One reason for this is my trans issue (obviously) which I've tried to suppress and is causing me extreme stress - do the point I feel like I hate my Phd. I don't think I really hate it,although I have difficulty on many assays /lab protocols, but rather hate the situation I'm trapped into. Still, I don't really love my profession.
-My professor isn't trans-friendly and a bit raunchy (?)
-I'm balding and too scared to start Finasteride/ Dutasteride (so far I'm at norwood ~2.5-3, close to 3v)
-I'm not even close to starting laser and electrolysis
-I haven't come out to anybody, bar my parents, the therapist and a lady I went to wax my legs a year ago.
-I feel like I can't continue like this. Every month or so I have a major panic attack that lasts for days.
-I still live with my parents in a large house. Despite me trying to explain the situation to them for years they just refuse to accept it. They'll probably die and never accept it.

Probably I'm in more stress than I need to be. Last year I kept getting sick easily , I've had for months pimples on my body etc. Sometimes my dysphoria is so great I feel I want to punch the mirror or cut away my genitals (if it would solve the problem I would do it).
Ultimately it's up to me. Either I can continue to struggle and probably crash and burn at some point unable to finish my PhD, or I can try to find a job and quit my PhD (I'd rather not), or find a part time job and do my PhD at the same time - very difficult, because I'm in the lab practically 8-9 hours a day.

Any suggestions welcome.

[Dena]

Only one thing. You have a list of tasks to accomplish and they don't all need to be done at the same time. Pick one item, maybe and easy one and put your effort into accomplishing it. If you feel you can handle two tasks or start a second while you are finishing the first, then do two. Don't attempt to do the whole list at once as it's overwhelming. Yes, it may take a year or two to work through the list but at least you are making progress toward your goal.

[kelly_1979]

Ok just to wrap things up. For years I keep thinking I'm doing things wrong and that I should be doing other things (working towards my goal).

[Rant mode]
Every now and then I have panic attacks. I can't concentrate at my PhD, my father has told me that if I continue this way I'll never finish, that if I transition I'll fail at life. They told me that even if they had a lot of money they would never help me destroy myself. They can not see me. Period. I've tried and tried but they refuse to understand.
During the panic attacks I'm so angry I just want to hurt myself and break things.
I don't want to hate them but I can't help it. It's almost as if they are strangers to me. My father gave me to read a text he had written about why I'm not trans but only mild Asperger, stating his opinion about therapists I've gone to. Based on my opinion, most of what he had written was 100% wrong. I really couldn't bring myself to read it loudly, I just read it in my head. They asked me if I wanted to talk about having Asperger etc (because it's "causing" my GID). He also mentioned that this GID began during my puberty. I replied that I didn't want to and they got mad again.
[/Rant mode]

I know this is stupid of me and that most of this agitation etc would be gone if I was working at the same time and living alone.  I just remember being 12-13 wishing I wouldn't end up the way I am now.
I presumed parent love was unconditional. Both tell me they love me very much. They keep telling me they don't want me to get hurt and they'll do anything to stop me from self destruction. I guess it's better to give up any hopes of my parents ever understanding me. I just don't know what to think.
It would have been easier (but harder for them) to admit that I might be trans and that I should do anything to help myself.
I really don't know what I would do I if were a parent in a similar situation.

[Bari Jo]

I'll pipe in mainly because what I see as your tasks are manageable, you just need to manage them. I'll relate it to building a car, you can't start at the wheels, since there is nothing to attach them to, so you start at the frame and build out, often taking one step at a time.

Of the things I'd concentrate on now for you, I'd do the PhD, and if you had the money, then finasteride.  Once you see those two are moving along smoothly, then and only then add another item on your list.  Don't worry about your parents accepting it not, or electrolysis OR hrt OR anything else.  Having your PhD will give you confidence and open a lot of doors for you.

Anyway, that's my take.  My personal projects have hundreds if not thousands of items that I lost that need done.  If I try to think of it as a whole, many times I'll break down in circular thought and think it'll never get done.  However, managing that list gets me there.

Bari Jo

[Sno]

Hi Kelly (waves),

Hon a PhD is a huge undertaking. That's without the challenge of panic attacks (and yes, they are awful, especially when underpinned by dysphoria). From personal experience, it sounds like your dad has fallen back into 'parenting' mode where he believes his projection will give you direction, but those days have passed.

Completing your PhD will give you a great deal of satisfaction if you are enjoying your field, and the kudos it will give to your opinions, especially when you've transitioned. However - it sounds like you're not in love with your field of study. If this is the case, then completion in the time allowed may be elusive.

I'm going to send a PM, as there is material that I'm reluctant to post here in public, but rest assured, I do understand, and will support as best I can.


Rowan

[kelly_1979]

OK, so I feel I'm writing the same things again, only the situation seems worse. I'm still trying to finish my PhD - still have quite a bit of lab work to do though. These years I've done stupid mistakes on my research (accidentally destroying fungal stocks) and I was terrified of being kicked out of the lab.
Past two years , probably due to constant stress, I've developed adrenal fatigue, causing my health to go downhill, bad sleep (less than 5 hours every day) and inability to concentrate on anything. I told my professor I've done these huge mistakes and he still wants to help me. It was a mental shift as I suddenly felt positive and thought I might be able to do something regarding my gender issue.

In previous posts I had written I hated my PhD. That's not exactly true. I like research but due to stress I f*k up everything and can't seem to go forward. That's why I thought I "hated" my PhD. (If I could start doing something about my gender now, I feel that most of my anxiety would  disappear).
My dysphoria is at all time high, practically making it impossible to work. My parents again told me they are not supporting me on the gender issue and that I shouldn't expect any financial help on the issue. I tried explaining how bad my health is actually is but they still insist  going down the trans road is going to make things worse. It's like they are blind. So now I feel even more terrified and worse.
I know you people told me to try and forget about my gender issues and focus on my PhD but this seems impossible, given my health issues.

So I feel I'm left with a difficult choice: either quit PhD after all all these years - despite that I would like to finish it - and search for a job or try somehow (ask somebody at the university for suggestions, although I'm terrified ??)  to find support and find some money to do SOMETHING  so I keep myself sane.
Frankly, right know I'm almost crying as I'm writing this

Thanks for reading despite I tend to repeat myself over and over.

[Paige]

So I feel I'm left with a difficult choice: either quit PhD after all all these years - despite that I would like to finish it - and search for a job or try somehow (ask somebody at the university for suggestions, although I'm terrified ??)  to find support and find some money to do SOMETHING  so I keep myself sane.
Frankly, right know I'm almost crying as I'm writing this

Thanks for reading despite I tend to repeat myself over and over.

Hi Kelly,

I haven't read this thread in a while.  I can't remember if you said you're seeing a gender therapist, that would probably be a very good idea if you're not.

Anyway, it sounds like you want to transition but can't right now because of your PHD.  Maybe what you should do is start low dose hormones.   At least that will give the feeling that you're on your way and you probably won't display any major changes for quite some time.  If by some miracle you start to develop too fast, you can reduce your dose.

I've been taking low dose estrogen for 3 years, nobody except my therapist, wife and doctor know.  My skin is a softer.  I have small breasts but I don't show with a shirt on.  I still have times of extreme dysphoria but this has definitely taken the edge off.

Also for stress I would also suggest moderate exercise, meditation and mindfulness. 

Good luck,
Paige :-)

[mm]

kelly_1979, you should finish your phd then you can get a job that will allow you to transition.  Paige's idea is worth looking into as just getting a low dose of hormones can change your complete outlook on life.

[kelly_1979]

[Question to myself: why the EF didn't I ask for help earlier?]. After parents "threats" instead of asking help I turned into pessimistic mode, thinking things would just get worse and kept trying to go on with my studies. Few days ago I came out to a family friend and he referred me to a psychologist he knows. I also asked for a session with the university's psychologist (why didn't I think of this sooner). I don't know if anything will come out of it but it's worth the try