I came out to my mother and... she didn't believe me

[1984]

I'm 16 and I'm finishing High School this year, so I have plans on starting transition next year. This week I told my mother how I felt about my gender (I'm FtM) and she didn't believe me. She said I was just a "masculine girl" and should accept my body the way it is. She knows what it is to be transgender and believe some people can be like that, but she just doesn't believe that I am. Does anyone have tips on what I should do now?
And there's still a huge problem: my father and stepmother are way too biased. In the future (probably next year) I'll have to come out to them too, even if I'm not living with them. I already know that they won't be OK with it, but I can't just transition without explaining anything (or they will question me).

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome *hugs*
you could have a look here for a few thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,184920.msg1644403.html#msg1644403

Know you are not alone in this, and not the only one...

You should see a counselor... preferably a gender therapist, someone who knows the process and can guide you along the way... and they might help explain to parents...
no matter if you ask at plannedparenthood for example, at a lgbt center, or talk to your school counselor for a referral,
or say at home you want some counseling for emotional issues, and pick someone who has, amongst others, gender on their list...
if its connected with depression or emotional issues it might be covered...
they all should keep it confidential if you say so, and are there to help... if you feel someone is not helpful, just look for another...

Well its up to you what you say at home, and if, since you know them best...
talking in a relaxed manner might help... remaining calm and stating facts and a few needs...

one possibility would be to sit them down and talk to them... over a cup of tea... and really talk about your feelings, what moves you... staying in a relaxed tone, not making reproaches but stating your needs... just talking and asking... imo the NHS brochure might help... saying its biological, so its nobodys fault, not yours or somebodys upbringing, and its most likely not a whim or a phase... talking sensibly but saying what you need... and maybe they need some time to really understand...
they might also talk about their fears... what the neighbors might say... (there are many trans people now so more and more people get used to it slowly...)
that she had some fixed ideas about your future... well you are essentially the same person, like a male twin, with the same sense of humour... kids are possible via adoption, or possibly via stopping of hrt for some time... etc...
well as said its up to you what you say... you might think about talking to a counselor first...


Well there are many transgender people now... and people are becoming more and more versatile, some women being more assertive and some wearing mens clothes... men showing emotions... its not like parents grew up... and there might be other transgender people, in groups, at a gsa, etc...

this all is a process, but many have gone it before and succeeded, and people here will try to support you.

And you might keep asking questions, alone writing might help getting a better view... 


hugs

[FTMax]

Hi there,

Have you asked your mom what specifically makes her think that way? Personally I'd sit down and write her a letter. Explain how you feel, how long you've felt that way, and what you would ideally like to do in the future (and if you want to start before you're 18, what you would like her to help you with). Search for some resources to share with her, whether that's stuff you print out from the internet, or taking her to a support group if you have them in your area. Make it clear to her that you do ultimately plan to transition, and that you want her to continue to be a part of your life.

With your dad and stepmom, if you aren't seeing them on a regular basis, perhaps it isn't necessary to tell them until you've started taking steps towards transition. There's no need to rock the boat if they aren't an active part of your life.

[Mariah]

Hi there,

Have you asked your mom what specifically makes her think that way? Personally I'd sit down and write her a letter. Explain how you feel, how long you've felt that way, and what you would ideally like to do in the future (and if you want to start before you're 18, what you would like her to help you with). Search for some resources to share with her, whether that's stuff you print out from the internet, or taking her to a support group if you have them in your area. Make it clear to her that you do ultimately plan to transition, and that you want her to continue to be a part of your life.

With your dad and stepmom, if you aren't seeing them on a regular basis, perhaps it isn't necessary to tell them until you've started taking steps towards transition. There's no need to rock the boat if they aren't an active part of your life.

This most definitly plus see a therapist. Secondly you could try giving her materials that help explain this to her better. I suspect she doesn't know the difference between someone who is FtM and butch female/ tomboy you fill in the blank so to speak. Hugs I'm sorry your mom doesn't believe you. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

[synesthetic]

I wish I was as articulate as the previous posters and had some more advice to give to you, but I'm just not that good with words. I just want you to know that you've got all my support, man. hang in there.

[1984]

First of all, I'm really thankful for all the help and support. You guys are great!
I've been searching for a gender therapist or something like that, but it's really hard to find one next to where I live. And I'm afraid that, once I find, it won't be easy to afford. I'll just keep on searching anyway.
Thanks again!

[Mariah]

You could always see a therapist online if finding one locally isn't possible or even if it is possible you could.
Mariah

First of all, I'm really thankful for all the help and support. You guys are great!
I've been searching for a gender therapist or something like that, but it's really hard to find one next to where I live. And I'm afraid that, once I find, it won't be easy to afford. I'll just keep on searching anyway.
Thanks again!

[Laura_7]

First of all, I'm really thankful for all the help and support. You guys are great!
I've been searching for a gender therapist or something like that, but it's really hard to find one next to where I live. And I'm afraid that, once I find, it won't be easy to afford. I'll just keep on searching anyway.
Thanks again!

You might ask at plannedparenthood or at the next lgbt center near you... there might be some counseling available there, or they might know a way to get it covered...

And a regular gender therapist might be covered by insurance if its connected with depression or emotional issues...

hugs

[1984]

You could always see a therapist online if finding one locally isn't possible or even if it is possible you could.
Mariah

I didn't know that online therapists existed. I'll search for one, thank you.

You might ask at plannedparenthood or at the next lgbt center near you... there might be some counseling available there, or they might know a way to get it covered...

And a regular gender therapist might be covered by insurance if its connected with depression or emotional issues...

hugs

.

That seems like a good idea too, thank you.

[FTMax]

I didn't know that online therapists existed. I'll search for one, thank you..

I worked with two that were both around $40-50 per session. Neither takes insurance, but both were able to give me referrals for what I needed, and the price was low enough per session that it didn't seem too bad. If you'd like their names, feel free to message me.