Stealth & burning the past... start a brand new LIFE

[januarysunshine]

I really like what Katie and Jenny said and it makes total sense. I hope though that my living stealth doesnt come off as pathological? I began this journey in a small town and my fam said no way was it going to fly here....so I kept to myself, assumed my new gender with new people while avoiding old acquaintences...and then left to start living free. I could be me, and there was no risk of being outed or made to feel different. The point of the whole journey for me was to assimilate and not be different. Im ok with disclosing if i had a partner who wanted kids or if medically necessary, but by dwelling on my being different in some way, i felt robbed me of the entire point of the trip, which was to get my brain and body to match up. To me, the surgical part is no more relevant to someone else than telling them i had a hemorrhoid removed or bunion surgery--its not like it changed the fundamental core of me...i was me no matter my physical issue.

I also agree that alot of people think trans=icky...which is wrong and mean, so if i can livw not being made to feel that way, then why not?

[Obfuskatie]

I really like what Katie and Jenny said and it makes total sense. I hope though that my living stealth doesnt come off as pathological? I began this journey in a small town and my fam said no way was it going to fly here....so I kept to myself, assumed my new gender with new people while avoiding old acquaintences...and then left to start living free. I could be me, and there was no risk of being outed or made to feel different. The point of the whole journey for me was to assimilate and not be different. Im ok with disclosing if i had a partner who wanted kids or if medically necessary, but by dwelling on my being different in some way, i felt robbed me of the entire point of the trip, which was to get my brain and body to match up. To me, the surgical part is no more relevant to someone else than telling them i had a hemorrhoid removed or bunion surgery--its not like it changed the fundamental core of me...i was me no matter my physical issue.

I also agree that alot of people think trans=icky...which is wrong and mean, so if i can livw not being made to feel that way, then why not?

Try to think of it this way; you were born your chosen gender, it's making the necessary adjustments to your body and perspective that was hard. AMAB and AFAB are only as significant as a cursory glance usually. There's plenty of scientific evidence supporting gender as immutable as sexual orientation. Neither are socialized.
There's nothing wrong with being stealth, and it can be necessary for safety purposes in some places. I wish there weren't so many close minded jerks, but they don't get to dictate how I feel about my body. I feel like shame is a significant motivating factor for wanting to blend in, but there's no other case where kind people would suggest for you set yourself aside and hide key aspects to yourself that have colored your experiences and perspectives.
For me, the whole point of my transition is because I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I felt like no one knew me, because I didn't let them. I couldn't endure it alone anymore, even though I was terrified of rejection. But that's me, and everyone has their own story and own truth. I just hope y'all remember to be kind to yourselves too, which is still one of the harder things for me.
Oh, and I'm glad you agree Jenny. Sometimes I just get frustrated with some of the pessimism much of us jaded people engage in. I'd rather seem naive and cling to optimism than give up, simply because I like who I am better when I can hope and wish and dream. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Rejennyrated]

Try to think of it this way; you were born your chosen gender, it's making the necessary adjustments to your body and perspective that was hard. AMAB and AFAB are only as significant as a cursory glance usually. There's plenty of scientific evidence supporting gender as immutable as sexual orientation. Neither are socialized.
There's nothing wrong with being stealth, and it can be necessary for safety purposes in some places. I wish there weren't so many close minded jerks, but they don't get to dictate how I feel about my body. I feel like shame is a significant motivating factor for wanting to blend in, but there's no other case where kind people would suggest for you set yourself aside and hide key aspects to yourself that have colored your experiences and perspectives.
For me, the whole point of my transition is because I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I felt like no one knew me, because I didn't let them. I couldn't endure it alone anymore, even though I was terrified of rejection. But that's me, and everyone has their own story and own truth. I just hope y'all remember to be kind to yourselves too, which is still one of the harder things for me.
Oh, and I'm glad you agree Jenny. Sometimes I just get frustrated with some of the pessimism much of us jaded people engage in. I'd rather seem naive and cling to optimism than give up, simply because I like who I am better when I can hope and wish and dream. I wouldn't be where I am today without them.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hold on to that optimism it will serve you well I've found.

It is possible not to get jaded - and it is possible to live in a way which does not mark one out but is authentic.

I have lost track of the number of people who've tried to tell me that as someone openly trans I'll never get on, I'll never have a family, I'll never manage to do this that or the other. When people do this now I feel like the Queen in Lewis Carolls Alice in Wonderland

"Alice laughed. 'There's no use trying,' she said. 'One can't believe impossible things.'

I daresay you haven't had much practice,' said the Queen. 'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast. There goes the shawl again!"

For truly I have not been particularly stealthy and yet I have been fully accepted as a woman, I enjoy a rich social life, I have more friends in influential positions than I can keep up with, I've enjoyed a stellar and varied career... in short I spent my whole life doing things that people insist are impossible, because I don't for one second believe that they are. They are only impossible if someone is fool enough to believe that.

As you say there are a few situations in which discretion is necessary for self preservation, but where I have found myself in such situations I have invested every fiber of my being in getting out without delay. If people wish to be jerks they can do so without me, and I am arrogant enough to believe that in the longterm it will be their loss not mine.

I do not have a pessimistic cell in my body. My experience is that things ALWAYS do work out, if you only have the faith and determination to work with events and carpe diem! Fortune favours the brave, you get no points for being stupid, timid, or lazy!

Finally as I have said before we must all learn to love who and waht we are, because when the chips are down thats all we really have. Anything else is an illusion and will fail us. The truth, is real and dependable, what we become when we love and accept ourselves truly, is a shining beacon of light and hope, and most people find that attractive.

So let your lights shine out! Be who you are. It really is the best way. I have tested this advice to destruction over 30 years and I would not give it if I was not confident in it. When you live in the truth, the universe does test your resolve from time to time, but if you stand firm and pass the test, it also rewards you richly.

I would not swap my life for anyone else's, be they trans or cis.

[Jessica Merriman]

I think you're wrong.
I came out at 14, we moved states not long after & started blockers, HRT at 18 & SRS at 21.
Outside of my family, there are 2 people who know.

Except for the lab staff, hospital staff, O.R. staff, unit clerks, transport people, insurance people, medical coders, court clerks and staff, judges, DMV, social security.....shall I go on?

That is more than two people and leaks of information do occur. How do you account for celebrities being outed or their histories disclosed to social media? Just food for thought! Far more than two people know sweetie!

[Nicole]

a lot from when I needed to go to court to get on blockers was suppressed by law. There was a new story on it, but they couldn't show even blackout vision of me or mum.

my doctor knows, but often forgets, the nurses/office staff don't.

No one has outted me, no one has a want or need to out me and I hope I dob't give them a reason.
I'm sitting here now with my very best friend, someone who I trust more than myself with this.

[pretty pauline]

How do you account for celebrities being outed or their histories disclosed to social media? Just food for thought!

That's 1 of the reasons I'm glad I'm not a celebrity, celebrities are a different breed.
My husband knows, close family, to everybody else I'm just another boring housewife at the shopping mall.

[Nicole]

Also, having worked at News Ltd for a number of years, I can tell you that there are people paid to "research" into the past of anyone who is up & coming.

Me, I doubt anyone would need a reason to look that deep into my life

[januarysunshine]

Also, having worked at News Ltd for a number of years, I can tell you that there are people paid to "research" into the past of anyone who is up & coming.

Me, I doubt anyone would need a reason to look that deep into my life

This is pretty much the entire gist of stealth in a nutshell. Unless we go looking for a high-profile life, there's no reason why we can't be stealth to whatever degree we're comfortable with. If you choose to not disclose to a future-husband, that would be understandable--especially if your family is supportive....same here.

Where I panicked was when I was signed to do beauty pageants. I dropped out after a short time before all the sponsors were signed and the pageant clothes sent to me....I knew any bit of celebrity would come with the risk of disclosure/exposure. Also why I did not date any famous guys....I've met several who were interested but I've always had to turn them down under the guise that I had a bf/husband, and I just had to live with the pleasure of knowing that so-and-so wanted to take me out. For me, remaining stealth means living a quiet life...Other girls may be more outgoing/daring and more open to revealing their trans status, but like I've said, I just wanted a birth defect corrected and to go about my normal little humdrum, soccer-mom life.

[NikkiJ]

I'm stealth at work and in public, but I'm not obsessed with it. At least I think I'm stealth at work, they probably talk about me when I'm not around, I really don't know, or care, but it's not the sort of work environment where you can talk about people's lifestyle anyway without getting in a lot of trouble.

I have an acquaintance who is very afraid of people discovering who she is. For example, my Facebook page has some trans references on it, so she will not let me link to her due to her fear of someone making the association. It seems to take up a lot of her life. I support her right to privacy (to the point where I have kept her secret from mutual acquantances for years and years only to find out she told them a long time ago - which made me wonder what her concept of a secret is), but when it's to the point of paranoia, I have to wonder.

[primrose]

Stealth topics tend to crack me up a little. Those who are young and passable think they can fool the world and no one will ever know. You are just setting yourself up for a huge fall though. All it takes is one accident where you have a pelvic X ray, one promotion that requires an in depth background check, a DNA test for whatever reason, a legal incident from the past to catch up with you and so much more. I have a medical and Law Enforcement background and know just how much information is assimilated from birth to death and the ways that information can be revealed, leaked or posted. Do you really want to fool yourselves thinking no one will ever know then lose everything when the truth is revealed one way or another? Living silently without fanfare is one thing, but the days of true stealth are long gone. Technology has not only taken privacy away, but guarantees stealth, true stealth is long gone. I personally do not want to lose everything up to my life by not living true period. You can be silent and not volunteer information, but give a 13 year old a Hot Pocket, Mountain Dew and a laptop for 30 minutes or less and your stealth is gone. If you are transgender, your will always be transgender. There is no button on any keyboard for new identity and a fresh start.

so are we supposed to walk with a sign on our foreheads - "I am trans"? In all honesty, my medical history is no one's business.

[kelly_aus]

so are we supposed to walk with a sign on our foreheads - "I am trans"? In all honesty, my medical history is no one's business.

No need for a sign.. Just be aware that should someone go digging, or get someone else to go digging, that things will turn up. In many places, a name change is a matter of public record. Having a full background check done for employment purposes may disclose things you didn't think would.

I'm currently waiting for a security clearance to go through and I had to mention my name change, a detail that clearly 'outed' me.. Do I care? Not at all, I'd rather have the job and the job requires the security clearance. Where I live, even a simple police check will out me. No big deal, my past is what it is and I have no guilt or shame because of it - or the changes I've made in my life.