What can be done about relationships ruined by transition?

[suzifrommd]

Some relationships survive transition- for those lucky enough to have a partner who is bisexual, willing to stay with a partner they are no longer attracted to, or loves you enough to stick with you. Otherwise amicably or otherwise, you're both forced to go your separate ways and find new partners, regardless of how well things were going.

What can be done? Are adult transitioners doomed to have their hearts torn out and their families blown part from now until the end of time? Or is there some other way?

[Devlyn]

I'll play the Devyl's advocate.    The transition was always thre inside the person waiting to happen.  Who's to say the relationship didn't hamper the transition rather than the other way around? 

Hugs, Devlyn

[kittenpower]

It depends on the person; everyone in my immediate family, except one of my sisters, supported me within a couple of months. My sister broke off all contact with me for several years, and then last year when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, we started speaking again; we are not as close as we once were, and that damage will probably never be undone.

[Tysilio]

I'd like to think that as society becomes more accepting of transition, and as people become more understanding of why it matters and what it entails, it will at least be easier for couples to part on good terms, and perhaps stay in each other's lives. It's not unusual for couples to grow apart in all sorts of ways and either come to terms with that or find that they're better off apart; it would be nice if someone's coming out as transgender were seen as just a variation on that theme. That said, I think it will always pose problems for some: in particular, there will always be those who feel deceived or betrayed -- but I think that's mostly a matter of immaturity, and that will always be with us.

But I also think that it will become less of a problem in the future, because fewer people will be transitioning late in life. It seems to me that the large numbers of late transitioners we're seeing at present may well be a cohort effect, i.e. one that's specific to our generation and time. We've come a very long way from where we stood even 20 years ago, and there's just no comparison to what things were like when I was a "little boy" in the 50's. It's now possible for many of us to transition who just couldn't have when we were younger. I'm sure there will always be a few who take a long time to figure out that their gender identity isn't what they thought, but I think the number may well dwindle over time. The more people who are able to transition when young, the fewer of them will be in committed relationships when they do so.

[enigmaticrorschach]

now with my emotions on a different lvl, if i ever get into a relationship and its ruined by me transitioning, i would be the one who would be driven over the edge. idk, its just i since i've hardened my heart, now, i've become the exact opposite.

[warlockmaker]

Recently, I have decided to tell more people about my transition, Bruce Jenners interview raised alot of questions from my friends and I have this increasing call to come out. My wife and some close relations were told years ago and i had so much support. So I started telling my close friends. I guess I'm lucky - every member of my family fully supports me and every friend also has done the same. Around 35 people know now and, whereas before I cared about what others say, I seem to have lost that concern. I'm not sure if that is part of our evolution for all of us but its so positive for me.

[big kim]

Relationships can be repaired.Don't give up

[suzifrommd]

OK, I'm hearing some insight here. Devlyn reminds us that the relationship was with someone who already was the gender they are transitioning into. Echo reminds us that it's sometimes the transitioner who breaks things. Kim looks on the side of hope: That enough of these relationships repair themselves that we can have hope that won't be a problem in the future. Tysilio says something similar - that changing attitudes will make it easier. Warlock master points out how the Jenner revelation has made things easier. Kittenpower reminds us that we are all individuals - that no two stories are thh same.

I'll confess, I still don't have a lot of insight into how our community will progess on this going forward. In a lot of other issues, I see progress. GRS is getting easier to cover with insurance. Medical providers are becoming better educated to our condition. Anti-discrimination laws are becoming more common.

But the issue of how transitions breaks up families doesn't seem to have an easy solution.

A hundred years from now, are transitions still going to shatter otherwise strong relationships?

What would progress look like?

[Jenna Marie]

I'd say the first step is to destroy the pernicious myth that transition *must* or "almost always" destroys relationships; my wife reports that far more partners are willing to try to stick it out than anyone expects, once they find a supportive environment telling them it's possible. (This includes that some people do turn out to be willing to stay romantically and even sexually involved with a non-preferred gender if they were in love with the person beforehand; it's probably true that those people are more flexible in their orientation than their chosen label would suggest, but most do not embrace being called "bi-/pansexual.") Reducing the stigma against being seen as non-heterosexual by society would also help, as there are people who leave because they don't want to be *perceived as* gay or bi.

Lastly, there's redefining the question of whether transition destroyed a relationship - if moving cross-country or having a baby breaks up a couple, there's an assumption that there was an underlying reason, that the relationship was fragile to begin with. Sometimes that's true of transition as well, but in those cases cis people like to point the finger at transition and blame it for everything.

And sometimes, a partner's orientation is non-negotiable and things just don't work. But unless and until we eliminate the rest of this, we'll never know how many situations like that there truly are, versus some combination of societal pressures forced them out of the relationship.

[Stochastic]

What can be done? Are adult transitioners doomed to have their hearts torn out and their families blown part from now until the end of time? Or is there some other way?

Were you interested in what can be done as a couple to improve chances, or what can be done within the medical or trans community in regard to education and research? Experiencing this first hand, this is a very complex situation with multiple internal and external factors in play. Of the handful of factors listed below that could affect success, the only area where I have personally seen improvement is that societies in general have been more accepting of LGBT issues (also possibly resources for self acceptance).

I do have very good support when reading info from places such as this site, but I do not have a structured approach to addressing my marriage. In other words, it seems like we have gone through a trial-and-error approach to strengthening our marriage by reading about failures/successes from others, therapy support, and making adjustments as we go. Trial-and-error approach is not ideal because transition is emotionally stressful (understatement of the year), and we are in no place mentally to make wise choices. An ideal situation would be to have an institutionalized list of best management practices, or a networked support group of professionals that can provide support in addressing the below factors. An in between approach that goes beyond trial-and-error is what I can hope for but am not aware of anything available outside of individual/couples therapy.

Internal factors (Individual)
- One's acceptance and well being post acceptance.
- Rate of transition that would improve chances.
- Variations of transition that would improve chances.

Internal factors (Couple)
- Strengthening a relationship prior to a transition.
- Adjusting to grieving/loss of a partner going through transition.
- Adjusting to physical/emotional changes in a transition.
- Adjusting to changes in intimacy.

External Factors
- Society view of trans, trans relationships, and same sex relationships.
- Couple support networks and adjusting to loss of certain support networks.
- Legal protection.

[ainsley]

My opinion, not based of scientific study, or fact; just experience:

One catalyst to the ending of relationships that is lacking in this discussion is religion.  It is my opinion that that is the underlying cause of many failed relationships involving someone who is transgender.  The stigma of the homosexual/bisexual label, the association of trans* with sexual immorality, etc., seem to be the main reasons people ostracize transgender family members and friends.  Shun the sinner or you will go to hell, too.  ugh.

[Beth Andrea]

My relationship with my ex wasn't ruined, it just changed. We are friends now, and actually are happier this way (my perception).

[rachel89]

I don't think trans* related relationship problems will ever entirely go away, but I think that as society (well some of it anyways) becomes more accepting, there will be more early transitions, and that will make the problem where a one the partners thinks "how can we have a relationship if he/she/they transition, I'm not lesbian/gay/straight" less common than it is now. People who didn't understand or come to terms with their trans-ness early in life will still have problems if they are in some type of commited relationship though. I think (really, "hope" is a better word) things might get better as far as the child/parent relationship for most people though, whether they knew they were trans from age 4 or much later in life.