So I thought I would broach this subject with the view to describing where I am at in my journey and to take stock of where I have been and where I am going. So lets start with a quick background update.
Have had gender issues all my life and knew I was a girl when I was about 5. Long history of denial, self abuse. anger with no real way to direct them at anyone or anything. So I began to internalise it, bury, hide or just plain ignore it. I decided when I was about 16 that I must be as crossdresser because I didn't have any other name for it. When I went Psychiatric Nursing I discovered that there were a few variations and as part of my study completed a project on transsexuals, By the end of it I knew what I wasn't...no way was I a TS...zip forward 30 years and I have not moved forward but am steadily going backwards.
About 2 years or so ago I experienced a significant drop in my Testosterone levels(didn't know at the time) To me things began to quieten for me, I suddenly began to have some calm. My reaction was to do nothing because I thought I had found my peace. It wasn't perfect but much better. I soon began to get a sore chest and my nipples began to get tender and breast tissue began to grow. I was delighted to say the least...but of course this is not normal and could be doing other damage. Went to Dr had bloods done and as a result discovered I had less testosterone in my system that a normal cis female. Stupidly I agreed to have a T shot, OMG was that awful, was like someone hit the dial on my Dysphoria and cranked it all the way. I have described it like a roaring in my head, but what it actually did was to make me angry and aggressive...I hated it. It has been just over 3 months since I had a T shot and things are starting to settle.
This episode lead me to examine my actions and the real reason for not going to the Dr till really late in the piece. I would have thought that most men would have gone screaming to their Dr in a blind panic if they had started to develop breasts. Not me and why not, so I began to examine for the first time in my life what the hell was going on. I have the constant dialogue, won't look in mirrors, won't look after myself, have weird feelings about my body, very unhappy, feels like a serious part of me is missing, I have the constant thoughts of wanting to be a woman which have not changed since I was a little kid. I also thought about my attempt to transition at 19, the reason I didn't is I didn't know how and neither did anyone else. If I was in the same position now as I was at 19 then this would not even be up for discussion. I would have well and truly been finished by now. Woulda Coulda Shoulda
So here we are 1 year down the track and I am pretty certain where my path lies. I don't think it has ever really wavered, I have lost sight of it at times but it has never left me.
One thing I have not talked about is my Chronic Illness. For the last 7- years or so this has been reasonably well controlled with the exception of a number of random acute episodes. I now believe that a number of these acute attacks have been caused by the stress of the Dysphoria. Stress is one of the biggest precursors for pain flare ups, This in turn means an increase in the amount of medication I am taking. Theses attacks can take me out for 3-4 weeks if they are bad but usually about a week. With less mental energy available to combat the pain it takes a greater toll on me. So I figure if I could remove the stressor then I could improve my pain position as well. There is even a possibility that I could manage with out the implanted pump. Without the stress I will have less flare ups and if I am right it would also account for a number of the mystery flare ups where a cause had not been evident
So here I sit now with an understanding that when I go to therapy its going to be about trying to facilitate what I feel I need to do to live with the Dysphoria. It is not like a typical medical model where you go to the Dr he diagnoses you and gives you a treatment and an ongoing plan. So in order to move forward then I need to be sure about what I want and I am not 100% sure what I want. If I took everyone else out of the equation and it was only me to consider then I would transition without hesitation. But there is a another person/people to consider and that is my partner. I have not been able to tell her that I want to transition fully because it is only something I have recently recognised. I have always had this as a goal in my life but never bothered to acknowledge it. Transition was the driving force to get me too Australia, there was no possibility of doing it in New Zealand. While this was not foremost in my mind I thought about it constantly before I left New Zealand in 1985.
First and foremost before I can tell KM I need to accept this for myself. I can talk about it till I am blue in the face but acceptance is the only way I can move forward with this. Once I accept it then I can tell KM what it is I want to do and move on. Her greatest fear with this has always that I would want to transition. I have always told her I don't know what it is I want to do because I have been confused and never really known in the up front part of my head that is what I want to do.
So how did you deal with acceptance...how did you arrive at a peaceful place, how were you able to accept you needed to transition?
I feel I am so close to something wonderful but I just can't quite get a hold of it yet.
Sarah T
EDIT: I Didn't mean to put this post in this Forum so if its in the wrong/inappropriate place I hope someone can move it.
