I'm afraid of SRS

[Alice Borealis]

[WARNING: I talk a little bit about SRS and all the stuff that goes into it, it may be a little NSFW? It depends what you quantify as that. Any mods, please feel free to move this if you see fit. I wasn't sure where to put it.]

So i've been graced by the blessing of lovely, understanding parents who not only are willing to pay for my HRT, but also SRS. The catch is though that I have to decide and get the operation when i'm 18-19 or else the money will be forfeited and used for his retirement.

Deep down I know I do want SRS, I feel really uncomfortable with my genitalia. It sucks looking into the mirror and seeing my female body and then seeing. . that, you know? It just feels wrong, sometimes the feeling is unbearable, sometimes I don't notice it. But i'd like the ability to feel comfortable in a bikini and all the other clothes i've been avoiding. And to experience intimacy without having to imagine to be comfortable.

The thing holding me back though is i'm afraid. I'm afraid of dying on the table, leaving my girlfriend of 2 years. I'm afraid of complications that happen in surgery that could result in my eventual death and even more suffering. I'm afraid of waking up and thinking I made a huge mistake. To a lesser extent i'm afraid of no having sensitivity. I know that a lot of MtF girls have that, and I probably could learn to live without it but i'd really like to be intimate that way with my partner and feel good during the process.

Ugh, between my anxiety problems my wants my worries the time timit and all the doctors and letters and pre-surgery stuff and death and complications, it's all much too much. But at the same time, I know if I pass this up I might regret it for the rest of my life.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, if you have any advice or anything to maybe comfort me i'd appreciate your wisdom very much. Thank you in advance, I look forward to hearing your responces.

[Cindy]

Firstly I am so sad that you feel rushed into this.

SRS is a very personal thing and not to be taken lightly. The risk of death etc 'on the table' is minimal but there are substantial risks of complications, and your surgeon will explain them too you.

SRS is not for everywoman and there is no less of being a woman with or without SRS, the choice is, as I said, very individual.

The cons: dilation and maintenance can wear you down both physically and mentally. If you are unsure these aspects get to be more of an issue. Post surgical depression is not uncommon for any procedure and particularly for SRS. It can be crippling and it is very sensible to keep contact with your therapist to help through those times.

The pros: the feeling of completeness, being able, particularly for young woman to establish a 'normal' relationship with a man (if that is your desire). If you suffer dysphoria over your male remnants it can go.

One thing I will emphasise, surgery does nothing for any problems you are carrying, you carry those problems with or without surgery. They may get worse with surgery if you had an expectation that they would go and you hadn't dealt with them.

I would ask your parents to stand by you and to give their financial support when you are ready, and not when they are ready. It is a big step and not to be taken lightly in any circumstance.

(addendum, my apologies I just realised you are in a lesbian relationship, I did not mean to offend you about my comment about men)

[Alice Borealis]

Firstly I am so sad that you feel rushed into this.

SRS is a very personal thing and not to be taken lightly. The risk of death etc 'on the table' is minimal but there are substantial risks of complications, and your surgeon will explain them too you.

SRS is not for everywoman and there is no less of being a woman with or without SRS, the choice is, as I said, very individual.

The cons: dilation and maintenance can wear you down both physically and mentally. If you are unsure these aspects get to be more of an issue. Post surgical depression is not uncommon for any procedure and particularly for SRS. It can be crippling and it is very sensible to keep contact with your therapist to help through those times.

The pros: the feeling of completeness, being able, particularly for young woman to establish a 'normal' relationship with a man (if that is your desire). If you suffer dysphoria over your male remnants it can go.

One thing I will emphasise, surgery does nothing for any problems you are carrying, you carry those problems with or without surgery. They may get worse with surgery if you had an expectation that they would go and you hadn't dealt with them.

I would ask your parents to stand by you and to give their financial support when you are ready, and not when they are ready. It is a big step and not to be taken lightly in any circumstance.

Thank you so much, Miss. It means a lot that you took time to write this. The complications thing is so scary, I mean if it happens but it can be fixed is one thing, but ugh. I think i'd be able to live with dilation, I mean i'd be out of commission for a while, but it does lessen over time, right? The post-op depression sounds scary too, but I have an amazing therapist who has already been a big help to me, and i'm sure she'll continue you too. Plus I have an awesome support network.

I'm bi with a girlfriend so I mean a man is not especially what i'm into, but being able to be intimate without being uncomfortable a lot of the time would be great. Being able to do away with that dysphoria sounds good too. And yeah, I realize. I read http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/Warning.html all the time, where it talks about people who transitioned for the wrong reasons and ended up being upset. I realize that I might still have dysphoria sometimes, and that i'll still have anxiety and that this surgery won't magically make my life amazing all the time. I'd just really like to start my life as an adult feeling like i'm complete, so I can just go on living my life with my girlfriend and work and just have my body feel whole. That said, I think I will have to meditate more on this and talk to my parents. I think once I can find a doctor and talk to her about it she can help me through my worries at least a little.

Thank you SO much again.   

[suzifrommd]

as anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, if you have any advice or anything to maybe comfort me i'd appreciate your wisdom very much. Thank you in advance, I look forward to hearing your responces.

I sure did. I went through more than a year of soul-searching before finally deciding that surgery was right for me.

I finally decided that I would not have surgery unless, were it to come to pass that I had no sensation and a host of nasty complications, I would STILL be able to say it was right for me. I.e. I assumed I would have no sensation, and a bunch of other problems. Given that, did I still want it?

When the answer from my own heart came back yes, that's when I booked my date.

No one can tell you whether SRS is right for you. The question you can ask yourself is whether it's so important that you'd want it ever if you knew a lot of stuff was going to go wrong.

As far as dying on the table, that was an issue for me too. But every time you get into a car, you're risking that you'll be killed. Nothing you do in life is risk free. People die in the shower by slipping and cracking their head. You assess "what is the risk?" and decide whether it is acceptable.

Does any of this help?

[Alice Borealis]

I finally decided that I would not have surgery unless, were it to come to pass that I had no sensation and a host of nasty complications, I would STILL be able to say it was right for me. I.e. I assumed I would have no sensation, and a bunch of other problems. Given that, did I still want it?

That's actually a really good way of looking at it. And seeing as i'm 16 now, and going to be 17 in 6 months, I have a year and a half before any pressure is really on (and hopefully by talking to my parents I can lessen/remove the pressure so it doesn't cloud my judgement). I think i'll start thinking this way too, so I can see if i'm prepared for the absolute worst if it comes to it. Maybe in that time i'll get a "yes" too. Maybe I will maybe I won't but if I do i'll know that i'm prepared, and I can be even happier if everything goes okay.

As far as dying on the table, that was an issue for me too. But every time you get into a car, you're risking that you'll be killed. Nothing you do in life is risk free. People die in the shower by slipping and cracking their head. You assess "what is the risk?" and decide whether it is acceptable.

Does any of this help?

This was so nice to hear. Both that i'm not alone, and the statistic thing too. It seems like a lot of trans people i've seen in the past talk about SRS but without all the risk and fear that is constantly ebbing through my mind when I think about this stuff. I guess you really are taking a risk statistically doing even the most mundane of daily tasks and stuff. I just have to assess if this is a risk that I need to take in my life. Though the risk of complication might be a lot higher compared to death while drying dishes or something. But yes, this did help and it's going to help even more in the long term as I think and come back to this thread to see everyone's advice. Thank you very much for your wisdom. I can breathe a little easier now compared to when I started this thread. People are so nice and calm here. But your post-op now right? I don't mean to intrude but what was it like? We seem to have similar worries, hearing your story might make me feel a little more comfortable about the process.

[Rejennyrated]

I'm currently training as a doctor and in fact I'm doing a surgical rotation at this exact moment so I'm probably as well qualified to answer you as anyone here. I've been present in theatre during operations and assisted in a breast enhancement so I know the territory well.

I want to reassure you. The thing you have to bear in mind is that this is NOT a major operation, intricate yes, extensive no. Also unlike other operations where the recipient is unwell, 99% of people who undergo SRS are fit and well when they start.

This all adds up to the fact that the statistics for SRS are pretty impressive. Of those who chose a reputable surgeon, by which I mean one of those well known for carrying out this procedure I don't not know of ANYONE who has died as a result of the operation.

Sometimes there are complications it is true, but these are all known issues and again provided you choose a well known surgeon they are rare and also entirely solvable.

So while I understand your nerves the reality is this is a pretty safe procedure, and moreover you have the golden opportunity that many lack. Don't waste it, because of fear.  To live life always takes courage, whatever you do something may go wrong. You could refuse the operation because you were afraid of a complication that might never have happened and as a result be somewhere that you would not have been if you had been on that table, and get knocked down in the street.

I seriously think we all take risks every day of our lives and its better to take them in pursuit of something you care about than while running away from yourself. The risk you run of dying as a result of SRS is tiny.

[stephaniec]

I wouldn't let the money issue cause you to rush your decision. Your quite young and have a long way to go. the important part right now are the blockers and HRT. You can wait on the surgery for when you have your own job and your own insurance. I mean it's a great opportunity to get it done early , but not absolutely necessary, I'm 63 and still debating it.

[Alice Borealis]

So while I understand your nerves the reality is this is a pretty safe procedure, and moreover you have the golden opportunity that many lack. Don't waste it, because of fear.  To live life always takes courage, whatever you do something may go wrong. You could refuse the operation because you were afraid of a complication that might never have happened and as a result be somewhere that you would not have been if you had been on that table, and get knocked down in the street.

I seriously think we all take risks every day of our lives and it's better to take them in pursuit of something you care about than while running away from yourself. The risk you run of dying as a result of SRS is tiny.

Thank you for your heartfelt encouragement and for sharing your personal experiences. It'll keep all of this in mind when I start to get all flustered and upset about making this huge choice in my life. Good luck with your studies on your way to becoming a doctor. I hear the school takes forever, but as a doctor you have the ability to make a lot of people happy . Have a nice day.

[Alice Borealis]

I wouldn't let the money issue cause you to rush your decision. Your quite young and have a long way to go. the important part right now are the blockers and HRT. You can wait on the surgery for when you have your own job and your own insurance. I mean it's a great opportunity to get it done early , but not absolutely necessary, I'm 63 and still debating it.

Uhm, i've been on blockers and HRT for at least 3-4 years now since I started when I was 13 so. . . and I don't see your reasoning as to why I need a job and insurance to get SRS? I understand that I could get it as an adult if I so chose but this is a gift my parents are offering to me if I want it. And if I pass it up, I might seriously regret it later. That's why I need to think carefully about this so I can make the right choice for me, and that's why I made this post, so that people could help calm my nerves a little and offer me their wisdom and advice.

[Tristyn]

[WARNING: I talk a little bit about SRS and all the stuff that goes into it, it may be a little NSFW? It depends what you quantify as that. Any mods, please feel free to move this if you see fit. I wasn't sure where to put it.]

So i've been graced by the blessing of lovely, understanding parents who not only are willing to pay for my HRT, but also SRS. The catch is though that I have to decide and get the operation when i'm 18-19 or else the money will be forfeited and used for his retirement.

Deep down I know I do want SRS, I feel really uncomfortable with my genitalia. It sucks looking into the mirror and seeing my female body and then seeing. . that, you know? It just feels wrong, sometimes the feeling is unbearable, sometimes I don't notice it. But i'd like the ability to feel comfortable in a bikini and all the other clothes i've been avoiding. And to experience intimacy without having to imagine to be comfortable.

The thing holding me back though is i'm afraid. I'm afraid of dying on the table, leaving my girlfriend of 2 years. I'm afraid of complications that happen in surgery that could result in my eventual death and even more suffering. I'm afraid of waking up and thinking I made a huge mistake. To a lesser extent i'm afraid of no having sensitivity. I know that a lot of MtF girls have that, and I probably could learn to live without it but i'd really like to be intimate that way with my partner and feel good during the process.

Ugh, between my anxiety problems my wants my worries the time timit and all the doctors and letters and pre-surgery stuff and death and complications, it's all much too much. But at the same time, I know if I pass this up I might regret it for the rest of my life.

Has anyone else experienced these feelings? If so, if you have any advice or anything to maybe comfort me i'd appreciate your wisdom very much. Thank you in advance, I look forward to hearing your responces.

Hi there, Alice.

I'm really sorry you feel this way, but its totally normal and ok. I certainly felt this way and still kinda do. I am a pre-transitioning FtM. So I know similarly to an extent, what you must be feeling here. Its a lot to deal with, indeed. But how badly do you wanna be true to yourself? Also, unless SRS/GRS is absolutely necessary to make certain other changes like with your gender marker on you birth certificate, for example, these surgeries are not necessary for you to transition. Unless you really cannot do without it(even if it is not required for any legal changes, which is how I feel actually). Transitioning can mean so many things for so many trans people, besides surgery.

I suggest seeking out a psychotherapist or psychologist that treats GID or patients struggling with their gender identity or transgender patients, to really help guide you as to what you really want in your transition. For me, I know what I want at this time. But we are creatures of change. Its ok if I change my mind about wanting bottom surgery or the type of bottom surgery. And your mind has the right to change too, like anyone else's. But I think I will always want top surgery, at least. I doubt that will ever change at all unless they invent somethin' to where boobs could just disappear like magic or something.

Really look into that. The therapist, I mean. Be sure to ask questions and really get the help you'll need to get through this. Best of luck to you, lass. I'm in the same boat you are right now as far as looking in SRS and stuff. I will see my new therapist for this stuff on Wednesday. I'm so hyped for this!



Peace.



~Nixy~

[Alice Borealis]

I suggest seeking out a psychotherapist or psychologist that treats GID or patients struggling with their gender identity or transgender patients, to really help guide you as to what you really want in your transition. For me, I know what I want at this time. But we are creatures of change. Its ok if I change my mind about wanting bottom surgery or the type of bottom surgery. And your mind has the right to change too, like anyone else's. But I think I will always want top surgery, at least. I doubt that will ever change at all unless they invent somethin' to where boobs could just disappear like magic or something.

Really look into that. The therapist, I mean. Be sure to ask questions and really get the help you'll need to get through this. Best of luck to you, lass. I'm in the same boat you are right now as far as looking in SRS and stuff. I will see my new therapist for this stuff on Wednesday. I'm so hyped for this!
~Nixy~

I have been seeing my current therapist for a little over a year now, and rest assured she has helped me a lot especially since previously I had abandoned therapy after I got my HRT letter too. (She wasn't very understanding of the trans issue like my current is) And I'm talking to her too, I just thought that the people here could give me more 1st hand advice of someone who's in my shoes. I hope all goes well with you and your surgery choices .

[Tristyn]

I have been seeing my current therapist for a little over a year now, and rest assured she has helped me a lot especially since previously I had abandoned therapy after I got my HRT letter too. (She wasn't very understanding of the trans issue like my current is) And I'm talking to her too, I just thought that the people here could give me more 1st hand advice of someone who's in my shoes. I hope all goes well with you and your surgery choices .

Well, ultimately, only you have the real power in your transition. IMO, people can only help you get so far and then you gotta be the one to decide for yourself in the end.

It sucks that your prior therapist was of no help. I suppose this transition stuff is a trial and error thing. If one thing doesn't work, keep tryin' until you run into something that does.

I guess I have an unfair advantage when it comes to dealing with any anxiety with SRS or surgeries in general. My advantage is that I have been cut up on, poked, and prodded more times than I care to remember. So I am very accustomed to surgery and have a lot less anxiety, I think, than most trans people when dealing with things like needles and thoughts of going under the knife, so to speak. My last surgery was a couple months ago from hernia repair(hurt like hell, lemme tell you! ). But I think if it weren't for bein' in post-op wit' this hernia, I may not be in the awesome position I am today from just knowing a huge part of who I really am and feelin' oh so validated by others who feel similar in that they never identified with their biological sex.

Do lots of research on SRS/GRS, ask lots of questions about it, look at pictures, soak up as much information as you possibly can about this like a sponge. Afterall, you are the star of your transition, so please make the best of it!

[Serenation]

I felt similar, being intimate was just difficult and frustrating, looking in the mirror and looking female with one exception. Not being able to wear all the clothes I wanted. I am more than double your age though. I lived full time for 12 years due to no money for srs and having acute anxiety.

I was pretty scared about having srs. All the complications as I consider myself pretty unlucky. I figured even if I never had sensation It would still be worth it. Srs is big surgery (so my surgeon keeps reminding me) and it does / can take up to a year to be fully back to normal. It took me 3 months so far to feel capable of doing normal things. I just went to an island this weekend with my bf and walking around in leggings and being intimate etc, was finally me.

Hope you can come to a choice.If you are not sure then wait. I was so sure for ten years but hours before surgery am I doing the right thing? still popped in my head. When I woke up also, did I do the right thing.

You should try and talk with a surgeon or some surgerons, they should be open to having a talk with you without any commitments where they can talk about what can go wrong, because only they can tell you if you will need skin grafts or this or that and each surgeon has different techniques and different rates of complications etc.

[suzifrommd]

But your post-op now right? I don't mean to intrude but what was it like? We seem to have similar worries, hearing your story might make me feel a little more comfortable about the process.

No problem. I'm thrilled to talk about my experience if it will help. The pain was no big deal. I had six weeks where I couldn't do anything strenuous, which meant someone had to shop and do my laundry. The early dilation episodes were onerous - 4x a day is a lot, but now that I'm down to 1x/day, it's part of my daily routine.

The biggest problem is that I can't seem to climax - I can get close but not all the way there. Other than that, I love my VJ.

[Laura_7]

First, you might see this as a process. It takes some time to look at what will be the results, what people have experienced, and simply getting used to the thought.

Here is more info:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193067.msg1721458.html#msg1721458

There are a few motivations to do this. You might make a list of yours.


hugs

[Laura_7]

The biggest problem is that I can't seem to climax - I can get close but not all the way there. Other than that, I love my VJ.

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,181089.msg1651430.html#msg1651430

There might be a few reasons:
-are estro levels high enough ? Even with menopausal women a higher estro level helps sometimes.
It might be possible to add some bioidentical progestereone...
and testo levels should also be high enough. For menopausal women there are small dose implants, or gels.

Are there meds against depression ? Some have that effect, and they might be switched to some who have not this effect.

Well all at your own risk...
you might try a magic wand, some people usa a cloth in between.
Someone said its the closest thing to throwing a switch and having an orgasm.


hugs

[Jenna Marie]

I think it's a shame there's been a "deadline" put on this for you, because even if GRS *is* the right choice for you, making that choice on someone else's timeline makes it harder. It's no wonder you're anxious in that context. Especially when this is a situation where it's totally possible for it to be the right choice but the wrong time; some people need more time than others to figure out what they want and come to terms with the risks. Feeling pushed into it probably won't improve the immediate post-op experience, even though long-term regret is unlikely for someone who's fairly sure they want a vagina.

I was terrified out of my mind up until the night before surgery, particularly about dying on the table or the pain afterward. If it's any consolation, the pain turned out to be not very severe for me, and recovery was hellish for the first couple of days (because I went from being healthy and fit to barely able to walk) but picked up rapidly from there and I was nearly back to normal within a month. Young bodies tend to heal faster, too, so you might be more fortunate even than that. (I also ended up sensitive from the moment I woke up and orgasmic in my sleep 3 weeks post-op, so there went another concern of mine.) It probably won't be any fun, but the rate of complications and risks are relatively low from an expert surgeon these days. Still, you should be prepared to deal with the possibility of a rough recovery - not that you need to stop being anxious, as I said, I was frightened too, just that if you brace yourself despite your fears you should be ready to cope with what happens.

[Dena]

The others have pretty well covered many of your questions but there is one other thing. I have an enormous fear of anything medically related. This is the result of an eye surgery I had at the age of 4. I didn't really understand what was going on, my parents weren't there to comfort me and I was sicker than a dog because they used ether on me and my system reacts really bad to it. Over the the years of treatment I have lost some of the fear of doctors but the fear of surgery remains. To date I have had 7 surgeries where a general was used with the last being my voice surgery last month. If you have a fear of surgery, tell the doctors who will be treating you. While they can't eliminate the pre surgical judders, they have memory blocking drugs that will prevent you from remembering anything between shortly before they give you the drug and waking up in recovery. I had this drug for the first time with my voice surgery and it helped greatly.

Of the surgeries I had, the first 4 I really didn't have much of an option on because they were for medical treatment of some form and I was underage so it was my parents who made the decision. The last 3 were transgender related and I had to make a personal decision that I wanted the procedure bad enough to face the risk of surgery.

I also had to try to understand that for a healthy person, the risk of surgery is very low. A unhealthy person or somebody facing an extremely long procedure has a greater risk and all of the people are lumped together as part of the same risk factor. In my head, I know there is almost no risk of for me of death as the result of surgery but my fear tells me the risk is 100%. So far with 7 surgeries, my head has been right and my fear has been wrong.

If your fear is great, try talking it out with your doctor or therapist because fear shouldn't prevent you from finding happiness. My fear is hard to eliminate because it is baed on something that happened to me a long time ago and has become a part of my permanent memories. Your fear should be much easer to deal with because you have yet to from the vivid memories I still live with.

[Alice Borealis]

You should try and talk with a surgeon or some surgeons, they should be open to having a talk with you without any commitments where they can talk about what can go wrong, because only they can tell you if you will need skin grafts or this or that and each surgeon has different techniques and different rates of complications etc.

Thank you for your advice, it's nice seeing another person from a similar position and i'm so happy everything worked out for you! I think as it approaches I will talk to a surgeon once I pick one out of the big list of experienced surgeons in the US. Thank you again!

[Alice Borealis]

The others have pretty well covered many of your questions but there is one other thing. I have an enormous fear of anything medically related. This is the result of an eye surgery I had at the age of 4. I didn't really understand what was going on, my parents weren't there to comfort me and I was sicker than a dog because they used ether on me and my system reacts really bad to it. Over the the years of treatment I have lost some of the fear of doctors but the fear of surgery remains. To date I have had 7 surgeries where a general was used with the last being my voice surgery last month. If you have a fear of surgery, tell the doctors who will be treating you. While they can't eliminate the pre surgical judders, they have memory blocking drugs that will prevent you from remembering anything between shortly before they give you the drug and waking up in recovery. I had this drug for the first time with my voice surgery and it helped greatly.

Of the surgeries I had, the first 4 I really didn't have much of an option on because they were for medical treatment of some form and I was underage so it was my parents who made the decision. The last 3 were transgender related and I had to make a personal decision that I wanted the procedure bad enough to face the risk of surgery.

I also had to try to understand that for a healthy person, the risk of surgery is very low. A unhealthy person or somebody facing an extremely long procedure has a greater risk and all of the people are lumped together as part of the same risk factor. In my head, I know there is almost no risk of for me of death as the result of surgery but my fear tells me the risk is 100%. So far with 7 surgeries, my head has been right and my fear has been wrong.

If your fear is great, try talking it out with your doctor or therapist because fear shouldn't prevent you from finding happiness. My fear is hard to eliminate because it is baed on something that happened to me a long time ago and has become a part of my permanent memories. Your fear should be much easer to deal with because you have yet to from the vivid memories I still live with.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I kinda hate medical-y areas like hospitals and especially needles. You think i'd get used to it, but the first time I had my blood drawn for estrogen levels I very nearly passed out and some EMT people had to come in case I did. Even now while I don't pass out I start bawling whenever my endo says I have to get another blood draw. The fact that my MD can help me a little with that is really nice. I'm sorry you've had to endure that many operations with your phobia :O