I mostly need to vent, but any answers would be good too. But I'm rpetty sure there's not much anyone can say/do that I don't already know.
I'm not THAT badly overweight but I need to drop 5 BMI for top surgery and I just wish my frame was masculine. This has taken me from being mildly to never dysphoric to constantly dysphoric this past year or 2.
Once upon a time, probably 10-12 years ago now or better I was an athlete. I was a skilled hockey player, and was a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. While I wasn't happy about being a girl, I could bind very easily (however I did so in unsafe ways) and could go either way vocally, however at the time my male range was very weak. I took this for granted.. big time.
Fast forward 5 years to a couple years after high school. I gained a dramatic 80-120 pounds roughly over the course of a year. I'd went from being around 130 consistently (although that hiked up to 140-150 post high school) to well over 200, my highest point being 250-260. My diet was atrocious, my stress levels were on overdrive because of severe anxiety and depression, and I almost never moved unless at work, even then I had to sit frequentally.
In the past 2 odd years I've went down to 220-230 and stayed in this range. I've overcome depression, finally at 25 started hormones, and survived a near fatal suicide atempt that left me clinically dead briefly. But for all my accomplishments I still can't stand to look in a damn mirror below my face.
ALL of my weight is in my hips, thighs, and stomach. My arms are as tiny as ever and I have zero shoulder mass due to scoliosis. So in essence I have a highly effeminate body. Dainty upper half and load bearing at the bottom. Despite my height advantage I find myself jealous of every single trans person I meet let alone cis-gender individuals. I get infuriated because I put in work and effort to try and decrease my weight but I just.. can't.
I'm starting to break down and I can feel myself becoming attached to such ideas as becoming annorexic and not eating until Im a skeleton then rehabilitating from there. But let's face it, I could never be annorexic, nor is it a healthy option anyway. Even if I was I'd probably still find a way to gain weight or have no change.
All i drink is water, I eat far smaller meals and can not afford to "eat clean" so don't even get me started on that. I exercise way mroe than I used to, and go to the gym often, at least 3-4 times a week. I've been trying to straighten my back out with stretches, but will likely need to go see if I can get assistance from a chiropractor or cut my losses in that department.
My weight does not move.. at all. I've stayed this weight for a year now and any and all efforts just.. come up short. I've tried using diet pills that dont work for a damn, I've tried maintaining my "intake" the best I can. I take supplements due to my dramatically low vitamin D, etc. Nothing. Works. I've reached a point now where I just wonder if I should give up transitioning and just be a woman because I honestly don't think I will ever have a masculine frame. I've only been on hormones for 3 months, so theres no much for losses.
I'm just really having difficulty with body image. I make body suits to hide my shape so I pass better in public when I need the extra confidence boost, but ultimately I just hate myself. I hate being trans, I hate being fat, and I hate the fact no matter how much I try depression ruined my body for what feels like forever. Part of me wishes I hadn't survived. I'm a very aesthetically driven individual, while I will never judge someone else based on appearance my self esteem and self worth is directly tied to how I look. Something I know isn't healthy to most people but is just how I am, trust me I've tried to change this is just how it is.
Sorry to have vented.. this all just really and truly feels hopeless. I'm getting sick of being ugly and alone.
It's been a dysphoric night, if this is too stupid you can take it down. You guys are all beautiful, keep fighting the good fight. I'm ready to give up.
