Have you tried saying to your old friends who only want you as a source of their pills: "Sorry, I lost my source. When I find another, I will let you know."
And, strangely enough, you fail to find another source.
But you are in a deep hole, a hole that is killing you. You need to crawl out of that hole long enough to see that there are other pleasures pout there, based on natural serotonin and dopamine.
And crawling out of that hole does not mean stopping for a hit once in a while from MJ. You got to cold turkey.
Once you can lead a life other than the neighborhood drug/pill dealer, ou can start to move back into the real world that will being you even greater pleasure. I certainly do not mean that in a moralistic or religious way, but our bodies have been developed over time to respond to the benefits of everyday life, and the natural pleasures that that brings. Sex is one of those natural pleasures, viewed from either side of the gender line. You may feel as if your enjoyment of those natural pleasures is enhanced by artificial chemical means, but even it it may seem that way now, it will not seem that way in the future -- if only because you would have OD by then.
You have slipped a long way down that slippery slope, and to crawl back without handgrips can be difficult, sometimes seemingly impossible. I have friends who made it, and others who did not. And let's not talk about me.
It can be surprising how rational and inspiring a mind can be uninfluenced by chemical substances. You had it once, and perhaps intermixed the pain you were feeling for other reasons with the pain of clear thinking. Clear and rational thinking is not always without pain, but it is a pain that you can conquer and not have to give in to. Excuse me if I sound a bit like a European Masonic Lodge member (something I could never be in my current gender), but reason has always been the enemy of the dark side, which you know so well.
I could offer you trite condolences, and best wishes for the future, but for me, that would be a meaningless abdication of my feeling of responsibility for the welfare of all mankind. You are both smart and clever, but weak at the same time. Know that all to well. If you are within geographic range of me, I will offer help in person; if not, let's try to see whast we can do via this medium.
