I don't know if I can do it.

[Punzie]

Ever since I came back from my first doctor's appointment, I've been really depressed. Basically I need to get a few months RLE before starting HRT. The issue is that I am stuck with this as I am still living with my mom. The whole point of me starting HRT while still in the closet was so that my mom wouldn't be able to prevent me from transitioning by emotionally abusing me due to her ignorance. Last week she flipped when she discovered I was wearing makeup, even though it was nothing feminine at all! I feel like the only way I'll be able to get RLE is by sneaking in my wigs, makeup, girl clothes etc. into my car and finding some abandoned place to go change at since I can't do it at home. There is so much stress and anxiety around RLE too. What if I see someone I know? What if someone recognizes me? What if they realize I'm trans? I already have social anxiety in boy mode, so I feel like just being myself as a girl would boost my confidence, but also push me on the edge of an emotional break down. I hate to admit it, but if I was attacked I probably wouldn't be able to defend myself since I don't have anyone I could tag along with while having RLE. Do you guys have any advice on how to start getting RLE while still living at home or being in the closet? What were some of the first places you went? What are the safest places to go? Should I attempt working out and running outside? How can I brush off or prevent potential discrimination?

[Mallory]

I've never heard of being required to have RLE for any amount of time before HRT medication is prescribed, but then again you may not be in the US.  Do you have a letter of recommendation for HRT from a licensed psychologist?  Have you attempted to find an informed consent physician to prescribe for you?

I can totally relate to how you feel about RLE when your current situation isn't tolerable of rapid or overnight changes.  For myself RLE will be the LAST thing I do.  I've been on EV, Spiro, and Progesterone for over 2 months; I still have a beard, I don't present as my gender at any time (my current living situation with roommates doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy and work is male dominated and I'm trying to climb the ladder as quickly as possible), and I have no inhibitions whatsoever about taking my time since it's already difficult enough knowing that when I eventually do walk out into the public eye my life is going to drastically change in both mostly good and in a few bad ways.

My advice?  Don't stress yourself out by trying to move too quickly.  Try to find a psychologist and/or physician that are willing to help you after you've informed them of your current situation.  There's no reason for you to live unhappily and unfulfilled simply because of your living situation with your mother and social stigma associated with you wanting to express yourself; you CAN start the ball rolling and you CAN go at your own pace.

Wish you the best.  If you'd like to talk I'm an open book; feel free to PM me!

[Ms Grace]

I see that you are living in the U.S., as far as I know there should be no reason for you to do RLE before starting HRT. Maybe you need to look at finding a new therapist.

There is so much stress and anxiety around RLE too. What if I see someone I know? What if someone recognizes me? What if they realize I'm trans? I already have social anxiety in boy mode, so I feel like just being myself as a girl would boost my confidence, but also push me on the edge of an emotional break down. I hate to admit it, but if I was attacked I probably wouldn't be able to defend myself since I don't have anyone I could tag along with while having RLE.

Please keep in mind that these are stresses many trans women face when they first start going out as themselves, with or without HRT. If you are planning to transition you will likely bump up against this dilemma sooner or later.