It's funny how far I once thought I'd be along with my transition by now. Whenever there's a break from school, I always seem to forget how difficult it is to defy people's expectations.
Back in late 2013, I thought I was sure that I was definitely a girl - at least, during winter break, which is when I told my mom. Here's who I thought I'd be in two years:
-One year into HRT
-Getting ready for SRS on my eighteenth birthday
-Popular at school, having made my classmates accept me as a girl
Of course, that didn't happen. A year passed, and I made no change to my habits besides half-tucking, using standing toilets less often, and telling a few online friends about myself. I also developed a crush on a girl from high school, got subtly rejected, and started taking college classes my Junior year.
At that point, here's who I thought I'd be in a year:
-Wearing all girl clothes to school
-Member of GSA
-Getting started on HRT
-Working things out with my peers, who would be slightly taken aback by my change.
Nope. Did not happen. Six months later, and few changes. I'd lost my hair because it "looked like a mop"; told a few more online friends about myself; shaved my legs a couple times before the electric razor broke, and I couldn't work up the courage to ask about a normal razor; developed a crush on a guy in my Chemistry class who just so happened to be my lab partner; and told my mom a second time that I'm transgender. This time, she decided it wasn't just a phase. My expectations for the next six-month mark:
-Starting to wear girl clothes
-Long hair that I would be wearing in a ponytail
-Explaining to close friends my situation, having revealed my true self at Halloween
-Using a female voice most of the time
-Keeping my entire body hair-free
Well, it's nearly four months since then, and I've only nearly met one of the criteria: the hair. I have four-inch-long hair that I comb back behind my ears but can't yet put into a ponytail. I sometimes braid it but can't ever figure out how to hold it together. I still can't shave my legs, but I found a roll of duct tape. I know from experience that while it's a bit painful, it really gets results - I had a patch of skin in the middle of my lower right leg that was completely bare for three weeks after I tested out the technique. I don't think I'm doing a girl costume for Halloween, unfortunately, because my voice is really deep, no matter what I try to do. I still haven't told a single friend whom I met IRL about myself.
Here's my expectations, though, for the next few years:
1 year:
-Seeing a gender therapist, starting HRT
-Going to voice therapy/classes
-Wearing androgynous clothes and girl clothes all the time
-Presenting myself as female
-Shoulder-length hair
2 years:
-Still on HRT, scheduling surgeries
-Getting ready to graduate from college as a girl
-Fully wearing girl clothes, maybe even dating
3 years:
-Done with surgeries like my throat, my voice, and perhaps my face
-Scheduling SRS, maybe
-Working somewhere as a girl
-Close circle of friends, maybe in a relationship
-Almost definitely shoulder-length hair
4 years:
-Maybe done with SRS
-I don't really even know, that far ahead.
-Maybe applying to college as a graduate student
