Another 2 bite the dust

[Terra]

Well, I just lost another 2 friends, and these 2 knew about me for awhile now. We were talking in this girl's room and the topic of me passing was brought up, not sure how, i think it was my voice. Then one girl tries telling me that Wyoming isn't a safe place for me and I should wait 5 years to do this. The other girl agreed. Then they were both asking what I would do or feel if someone were to go after them because of me.

I'm not scared for my own life. I honestly don't care anymore if I die because of this. If it happens, fine, but I still plan to make the most of my life and make the world a better place with all the power and spirit I can muster. I honestly would also do everything in my power to protect my friends.

I know I will have trouble passing, and that will take time. I hope to somehow come up with the money for surgery while in my 5 years of school. Then when I leave I will be legally female, which will make many things alot easier when it comes to teaching. In 5 years I can probably come up with a decent female voice too. So it really hurts having two of your friends, who just 2 weeks ago helped you get makeup, turn around and say that they are scared to be associated with you. I told them that if they were really that scared then maybe I should stop hanging around them so that in January it won't be a problem.

So now my friends are limited to one. I'm hurt again because I trusted people, and feel so totally disheartened by this. The thought of suicide has been growing stronger again, and just got a big boost from this. I'd rather die then try and spend 5+ years more as a guy. Even more if I take state assistance with my degree. I want to do this so that any future friends I might make know what they are getting themselves into. I want to be me, and it hurts so much that the 2 people I trusted with this secret, one of whom I had also trusted with my heart, turn around and say they are to scared to be arond me because of this. I know this is where Mathew Shepard died, but I think that actually makes me safer rather then not.

I'm going off to do something, I just feel so tired right now. I'll post again later.

[RebeccaFog]

Hi Angel,

   You must be exhausted just from having all of these things on your mind.  I hope things look up for you soon.

   I believe you have the right attitude in wanting to continue going forward.  I understand that there seem to be a lot of obstacles in your way, but as time passes, so too will the obstacles.

   I'm sure you will make some more friends so don't allow yourself to be brought too far down.  You're beginning your life with much more on your plate than most of the people around you.  Don't forget that you have people who care about you, even if you haven't actually met us.

   I'm betting not only on you achieving your goals, but also that, by the time you finish school, there will be at least some kind of community or acceptance for others like yourself in that institution.  You might feel alone now, but you will not always be alone.


Love,

Rebis

[Terra]

Thanks Rebis, yes if it ere not for all the great guys and girls here on this forum I'd probably never have made it this far. I just hate posting to much as it makes me feel like I'm abusing the privilege or something. Last thing I want is to be accused of being a whiner. 

As for my friends, I know this is scary for them. I personally feel that the moment I let some unknown person scare me into doing what I think they want, then I have lost control of my life. I won't do that. But my choice is not necessarily their choice. Perhaps as well I haven't found the spoken words to convey this. I know one of them did read the material I gave her about this, but that might not be enough. So I'm going to write a letter that hopefully they will read and understand. The one thing I know about my core being is that I am a protector, I am more then willing to take on someone's pain so that they have comfort. I am more then willing to lay down my life in defense of my friends and family. So it really hurts when someone tells you that by your association you might be putting them in mortal danger. By your existence they might die. I think that is how they hurt me the most.

Maybe I'm not doing this right, maybe they are right and I should wait until I'm away from Wyoming. But that is all the last 2 years have been, always 'waiting' until the perfect time. But I don't think there really is any better time then the present. Yes there will be those in this town who won't get it, but I think most of them will. Hopefully in the next 5 years they will come to understand. I hope they do. But I know I can't last 5 more years, and if I try and transition while teaching...well I can think of fewer ways to ask for a huge pile of trouble.

Should I even try to win these girls back? Or should I just move on?

[RebeccaFog]

Maybe give the girls a little time to rethink their position.

    I think that some people need more time to acclimate or to accept the concept of transpeople and what it really means to them (in this case, the girls).   Some people need more time to absorb a concept that is so foreign to them.

    Are they disassociating from you entirely, or do they still communicate even if it's just by phone or email?

   They may need to see you living your life without fear before they can challenge their own fears.

[Ms Bev]

Hi Angel.  I'm sorry to hear that you are just beginning to have your friends 'rearranged'.  It's a terrible time, I know, as do many of us.  Comes with the territory hon.  I had two best friends at work, and now, well, I pretty much never talk to one, and the other, only if necessary.  There are 3 others, who actually hate me.  But.....nuthin' they can do in my diversity conscious company.  On the other hand, I made some other new friends, who like me for who I am, and stand by me no matter what.  In retrospect, I wonder now, just what qualities my 'best' friends had that attracted me to them??  I see many qualities in them (the old 'best' friends) now, more objectively, that I am also disappointed in.

Don't let a couple of people in a short span of your life ruin it for you, girl.  No turning back.  You are who you are.  Embrace it, and cherish those who embrace you.......not the old 'kinda you'.

Bev

[nickie]

Hey Kiddo! Well, this sounds familiar, I too have had friends bite the dust. One of them wasn't my friend all along, she just used me. What's worse is being shunned by your own child. Been there, done that. At least my other daughter is kind and loving. Friends come and go throughout one's life. Do not despair when things change, this life is all about change. You cannot help the way they feel. Sometimes, we lose one relationship so that a new one can come along. We are going through so much, that we only have so much room in our heads and hearts for people.  Take care of yourself, be the kind of person that you would want to be with, and you will see that people who are worthy of your time and energy will come to you.