HRT Benefits and Pitfalls when you are Non-Binary

[Adena]

Hi everyone!

As I continue on my voyage of discovery of myself I have been thinking about HRT a lot. I haven't started gender therapy yet so I am still a ways away from any decisions on HRT. I wanted to request feedback on your experiences here because I don't know yet if full mtf transition is what is best for me. In the few weeks I've been here on Susans I've learned that there are many paths people have taken but not every fully TG or non-binary individual follows a set pattern.Here's a few bullet points of where I am at today:

1.  GD has been making me a less happy, less outgoing person. Not a life-threatening situation for me (like it is for many here), but still a drag on life.

2.  In recent weeks as I've come to feel more free to express myself in feminine ways I had many surges of good feelings and ability to express my emotions and reach out to people people in ways I don't normally do. This feels like some sort of self-induced mind over matter kind of HRT (it may be my imagination, but this is at least how I feel, and it is often a pretty strong feeling.)

3. I don't know if I am meant to be a full mtf or not but do at least feel pretty consistently that my female self is significantly better able to enjoy life.  That's what is making me thinking more and more about hrt especially - along with other sort of preliminary moves to female expression.

4.  I have a fair amount of fear of the demands of having to switch to living full-time as a female. I've been told even if I go slowly on low-dose hrt that male fail can still sneak up on me and force me into living outwardly as a female and having to deal with family, friends, and co-workers who can't handle that.

I feel like those who know absolutely that they need to fully transition because of the driving force within them in a very narrow sense have it easy (not overall though - because I've learned many of you have had severe bouts with depression and even have wanted to end your life before saw the possibility of and experienced full transition). For me and some others I think the optimal transition destination station isn't clear yet. 

So I'd like to hear your thoughts on my situation and the general idea of non binary (if that is what I am) hrt (or low dose hrt). Did you consider it, how did you make your decision and where has it taken you?  Have you somehow continued to walk the line between full male and full female expression? Or did male fail sneak up on you and take your life where you didn't expect it to be? (that can be either good or bad).

Love,
Denali

[Deborah]

Right now I'm walking a fine line after a year on HRT.  I honestly would probably transition in every way right now but there are a few things holding me back at the moment including lack of confidence, fear, and circumstances.

HRT has made a huge difference for me in just getting my mind straight and feeling normal and at ease.  Lately however, after a long respite from any trace of dysphoria I am feeling it creep back in.   It's different than before though.  Then it was a feeling of disconnectedness from my body.  That hasn't come back.  Now it's more a feeling that I need to move faster and further towards full transition.  Or maybe my hormones have gotten out of whack.  I'm not sure but hopefully can get it sorted soon.  Anyway, my only point there was that what might work very well in the beginning and for a while might later become not enough.

On the subject of male fail.  I think that is overblown here a bit.  I don't believe that it forces anything.  If you continue to dress the part and don't show up to work with makeup, earrings, and nail polish then you can present male as long as you want.  I still am, complete with long hair in an environment where everyone else has military haircuts and other that a lot of comments about my hair there hasn't been a problem.  One guy did say he was going to start calling me Sally though,  LOL.     Really, my work relationships have not changed at all and things are better than before because now my mind feels good.  Now it's only been one year and that might all change with another six months HRT but I can't predict that.  Or I might just be exceptionally ugly? But regardless, it's still working for now.

I have also been working there with largely the same group of people since 1997.  Maybe that makes a difference too? 

[Adena]

Hi Deborah,

That is really helpful to me. I think we are alike in many respects. I am looking for that place that I am most at home and I have high hopes that it's going to be a warm, cozy happy place!  (at least most of the time.)

Will I reach a point where I know I want to do a complete transition? I do not know, but it's good to know that someone like you has been able to make it work so far while getting real relief.

Love,
Denali

[Teema]

I`ve been on hormones for approximately three months.I`m a male bodied androgyne and happy that way.However I do want my physical self to be more in tune with my female psyche,so I decided to try hrt.The hormones have made my skin softer,my hair grow and my figure is becoming slightly more curvaceous.That being also due to the fact that I run and work out the muscles in my hips to make them bigger.Its very exicting to see the gradual changes that hormones bring about,the feeling you get from having even a very slightly femine body is just fantastic.However I know I will never transition,i don`t feel driven to.I still present as a cis male,and if people look twice they assume I`m gay and that's that.Ican feel breast tissue growing even after only three months tho`but at the moment that's not a problem.If it does become a problem that a baggy tee shirt can`t` hide I think I will take blockers only and stop the hormones for a while until things subside.Thats the thing with hrt if you stop,your body will revert to what it was.For me hrt is a fun trip,and its working for me.I`m in a relationship and my boyfriend loves my body,we have a lot of fun together and my hrt has made me feel a bit different,a bit special I think.

[Ayla]

Denali

I suspect that each of us has had a different lived experience and sense of self.  I am mtnb and was on full dose hrt for 4 months then low but variable dosages for 5 years and, in the last two months,  have again moved to transition level hrt.  I found that when I flexed my low dose (with endo approval), that I could pretty much fine tune my lived experience but that this in itself changed over time or in some cases by situation.  This fluidity has meant that I am more of a gender traveller than someone seeking a definite outcome.

In terms of outcomes ymmv (I am a late 50's maab).   On any dosage my experience has included an immediate and profound relief from the stress and discomfort of dysphoria, improved skin texture, improved hair volume, finer body hair, a better sense of smell, greater empathy and much greater emotional depth.  On full dose I also saw a fairly rapid change in fat patterns (bigger butt, bigger cheeks); muscle loss; less muscle definition; less strength and breast growth.  I have had mild ffs, removed all facial hair, little body hair and now also have long hair which I tie back during the day. I have never had 'male fail' but still present as male/andro. 

At one stage I felt overwhelmed by the speed of change and had both breasts reduced, they have since re grown and are now a B.  I have also experienced a lack of clarity and more 'fluffy' or less analytic thinking, but on reflection,  perhaps it was that I was overwhelmed by new emotions and I would have been ok if I had let my brain and emotions become used to a higher hormone dosage.

I need to be careful with tight shirts or when swimming but as I have now come out to most folk in my life I am less concerned with this than perhaps my wife is, who I think fears embarrassment/awkward questions.

I have absolutely no regrets.  Hormones are a powerful chemical and will make a difference.  You really can't pick and choose how your body will respond or where it will end.  But for me the loss of dysphoria and the emotional richness were an unexpected gift and blessing.  You are the author of your journey.  You determine the speed and direction and you can stop, reverse, accelerate and change direction.  There is no one right answer.  Provided you have a good counsellor, a good endo and you are clear as to what you wish to achieve then it is a journey of joy, growth and discovery.  Good luck.

[Adena]

I have absolutely no regrets.  Hormones are a powerful chemical and will make a difference.  You really can't pick and choose how your body will respond or where it will end.  But for me the loss of dysphoria and the emotional richness were an unexpected gift and blessing.  You are the author of your journey.  You determine the speed and direction and you can stop, reverse, accelerate and change direction.  There is no one right answer.  Provided you have a good counsellor, a good endo and you are clear as to what you wish to achieve then it is a journey of joy, growth and discovery.  Good luck.

Isla - thank you, thank you for sharing with me (and others) - this is very helpful to me.  I am deeply honored that with your first post here at Susan's Place (Welcome!!) that you chose to reach out and give me some very useful information and advice. Now, a mere 2 weeks after my original post, I am feeling at an even deeper level the need to express myself as a woman. It is both liberating and scary (no longer the transition itself so much as how to deal with the responses of others). Out of love for others, especially my absolute best friend in the world who I live with, I do want to move slowly and carefully and determine for sure if I can be happy in a similar form of expression to what you describe in your life - but the draw of full mtf  transition has so far also been getting stronger. I believe now I will find the right path, I just don't know yet exactly where the final destination will be - but I am looking forward to getting there!

Love,
Denali

[Ayla]

Denali

Thank you for such a lovely welcome.  I am always a little cautious when posting as each person starts their journey in a very different position (age, birth sex, social situation, security, level of dysphoria, support networks etc) and adopting or being overly influenced by one narrative or one perspective can often be unhelpful. 

You now have the opportunity to shape and lead your life in the most powerful and authentic way possible.  It will be a little scary but with each step it does become a little easier.  Certainly your relationship with yourself and with others, will improve as it becomes more authentic. Most folk will feel honoured and privileged that you are sharing your truth with them. 

As an aside I think that it is the likely reaction of those folk we think most highly of, that causes us most trepidation.  But I can honestly say that, almost without exception, folk have been - firstly most concerned that I am ok, curious and then either mildly disinterested or very supportive.  My parents, who are quite religious, were pretty good although my father doesn't believe that I am NB, but he is 84 so I am prepared to cut him some slack!  Siblings, friends, clients, children etc have all been good.  My wife has been much better than I had feared, and had I been more honest with myself earlier in my journey, and more sharing and honest with her as my understanding grew, then most of the distress that we felt would not have occurred.

Safe travels

Isla

[Adena]

Thank you again dear Isla, Your words are powerful to me and very helpful.

I was just a few minutes ago frustrated with myself for losing my temper, being sarcastic, etc. on the phone after wasting 30 minutes with someone on what was a bait and switch offer by the vendor. It just felt like the bad part of the male presentation of Denali had reemerged. I know that it is silly to think I won't still have these kind of faults as I try to transition to my authentic self but I really have felt so good that I have been mostly genuinely a nicer person as I have emerged from the fog that my life has been in. I want to be my true self, but most of all I want that true self be a better person who, as much as she can, serves others with joy, love, and compassion in the way she lives.

Love,
Denali

[Ayla]

Denali

It seems that you are already on your way to becoming the person that you wish to be.  The hrt will decrease your dysphoria and stress, while increasing your awareness, empathy and emotional amplitude.   Other improvements will come from being more present and more authentic.  There will be lapses and more aggressive or less desirable behavior may be triggered, but on the whole I have found that these episodes decrease over time, and as you relax into your real self both you and others will observe that while you are the 'same person', you have in fact become a much 'nicer person'.

Safe travels

Isla

[BreeD]

I am in a very similar situation to you.  I have started gender therapy and have found it very helpful.   That would be my suggestion, find someone you are comfortable with and start exploring.

I am planning on starting the hormone discussion tomorrow at my next meeting.  There seem so many in's and out's (insurance, diagnosis, etc.) it seems daunting.  Really I have no idea how I would respond (my guess is favorable) but my random bouts of GD have just been too much lately.  I just want to give low dose a shot, without a ton of ramifications! 

I think this is all really just a journey and an exploration, so I hope this is somewhat helpful. **hugs**

[Ayla]

Bree

I wish you well. Low dose HRT has been immensely useful to me, and has helped transform the lives of many NB folk.  The effects can be wondrous.  Emotional change and dysphoria relief can be immediate, while physical effects may take a while.

Hormones are powerful chemicals. Many endos will work with you to find the optimal dose.  I have experienced quite significant differences with even a minor change in dosage.  In addition you may find that your destination or objective may change (eg more, rather than minimal physical change) and you may also sense that you 'want' or 'need' a higher dose.  This is ok and not unusual but my advice is to take your time, be comfortable and enjoy your journey. 

Many of us have found that gender dysphoria can be influenced by many factors - time, stress, situation, work, presentation etc.  So over time I have tried to seek a better place by experimenting with or flexing most factors, and it is the combination of HRT, changes in presentation, work, self acceptance and acceptance by others that have allowed my expression and life to better align with my sense of self

Safe travels

Isla

[suzifrommd]

Thank you again dear Isla, Your words are powerful to me and very helpful.

I was just a few minutes ago frustrated with myself for losing my temper, being sarcastic, etc. on the phone after wasting 30 minutes with someone on what was a bait and switch offer by the vendor. It just felt like the bad part of the male presentation of Denali had reemerged.

Anger and frustration are not gendered traits, right? Lots of women would be just as frustrated/angry/sarcastic.

But I totally get what you mean. I aspire to be loving, supportive and kind, and I get down on myself (though not necessarily in a gendered way) if I don't live up to those aspirations.

[Adena]

Anger and frustration are not gendered traits, right? Lots of women would be just as frustrated/angry/sarcastic.

But I totally get what you mean. I aspire to be loving, supportive and kind, and I get down on myself (though not necessarily in a gendered way) if I don't live up to those aspirations.

Yes you're right, I was more describing a feeling than a fact. However, it sure seems like for me at least that aligning myself more with my feminine self helps we in trying to overcome those negative traits. Finding your true gender identity and owning brings peace and increases your ability (measurably but not infinitely) to overcome such traits is what I am thinking.

Isla- thanks for another good, helpful post!\

Denali

[Lady Smith]

I'm 61 and was AMAB.  I'm also a DES child and I was born on the intersex spectrum.  The surgeons got at me when I was about 11 or 12 so I've got a few interesting scars down there.  Twenty five years ago when I started HRT it was such a blessed relief.  My natural T levels were no good for me and made me feel like my mind was being twisted into making me something I'm not.  My body is a different shape from one side to the other with my right side looking more femme than the left, but when I started puberty I began to grow breast tissue on my left side.

I did my best to be male, but always felt like I was a complete disaster at it.  My Dad pretty much always seemed to be disappointed in me.  I know now that I'm NB and I'm also asexual.  I only married because I wanted children and because all my friends were getting married.  My two children are now grown up adults who love me very much and I have absolutely no regrets over the birth of my children even though marriage was a living hell for me.
My brain is wired for companionship, even intimate companionship, - BUT not for sexual attraction.  Sex interests me about as much as somebody sticking their finger up my nose.
Being asked by my ex-wife if I loved her was nothing short of confusing.  Companionship, friendship are things I understand, but she didn't want a companion, she wanted a husband and a male lover and I was no good at that.  When I was growing up society's expectation of binary pair bonding and sexual attraction were a complete mystery for me.  I tried to pretend, to act the part, but only ended up confusing and upsetting myself.  I though I might be gay, but I quickly found out I wasn't.  Male sexuality is beyond incomprehensible for me, - lie, use, discard, - seems to be about the only summary I can make about it.

I know I'm not male and after trying to transition to being a woman I know I'm not a woman either.  HRT did give me my mind back though and once I had an orchie done the sense of relief was immense.  I like that I have breasts, no facial hair and almost no body hair.  I like that my skin is softer and finer and my hair is nicer and isn't falling out like my two brothers' hair is.  I'm on Climara patches and they seem to last a long time on me before I need to change them.  When I transitioned I was on Premarin (which I don't recommend to anyone) and after being on it a while it caused the skin on my genitals to become thin and very fragile.  I often get splits in the folds of skin on my genitals which are not a pleasant experience; - which is also a reason why I shun any thought of sexual intimacy apart from being asexual to start with.  Fortunately I'm finding that after around five years on the patches that the skin on my genitals isn't quite as delicate now which is a relief.  In terms of sensation though my genitals remain largely unfeeling and unresponsive which is exactly what I want.

I don't wear makeup or get my hair styled, - I just let it grow.  Clothing is whatever I feel comfortable in and in general unisex is what I like best.  I have a thing for feather earrings and I like wooden beads.  In Summer I like to wear long cotton skirts simply because they are comfortable in the heat.  Winter is jeans, boots and fingerless gloves.  I mostly don't wear a bra unless I need to dress a bit more posh for a special occasion.  Ask me if I'm a man or a woman and I will say, 'No'.

There was a period of time in which I took solemn promises as a 3rd order Franciscan, but I was only in truth doing that to hide from myself and keep the world at bay.  Leaving the church was the best thing I ever did and while I still have faith in a deity I'm no longer twisting myself to conform to a whole other raft of imprisoning expectations that were just as bad as trying to be binary.

I hope I haven't bored you all with my story, but I thought it was better to give a complete answer to the OP's original question.

[Adena]

Thank you Lady Smith, that is really helpful, so glad you shared this. I hope that you will now be free to be true to yourself and enjoy who you are for the rest of your life!

I am pretty sure now that I was exposed to DES and have some other defects from birth (different from yours but still very significant) from the DES when my Mom was pregnant with me.  I did not realize that the frequency of transgenderism and intersex conditions both are also higher from DES exposure.

Love,
Denali

[Ms DeeDee]

Thank you Isla for your most inspiring posts!  Thank you also Lady Smith for such a detailed and revealing post!  Denali, you've started a very informative thread!  I'm a long way off from any sort of hormone therapy but I am curious.  The idea that it would make me more empathetic and improve emotional depth are certainly exciting possibilities for the future.  I hope that more people post replies and you illuminate yours still further, so I and others can learn and maybe dream.

Hugs,
DeeDee

[Adena]

DeeDee,
I've been blessed by the helpful sharing and encouragement I have received from others, most of whom I don't even know here and elsewhere. What I've learned is that HRT can be a great blessing if you are ready for it, not a cure, but an aide to help those of us handicapped by dysphoria to continue on the journey to our true selves and become more comfortable in our skin; that in turn will help us, assuming we are willing, to be more giving to others.