(* Content note: long depressive ramble ahead *)
I feel like I'm stuck in that long, dark tea-time of the soul.
Okay, after my usual extended period of dithering, I decided to transition (isn't there a song that starts "Transition!" dum da-de-dum dah or something?), and after a few months of who's-on-first with the local LGBT clinic, I started HRT, which doesn't seem to have done anything so far.
The downside is that it seems like the only thing I find interesting is transition -- what's happening, what will happen. Daily life has taken a hit -- I don't clean my place as often, I'm not as careful about paying bills (though they all get paid -- eventually), my sewing projects are lying around gathering dust. I've lost interest in some of my hobbies (in particular, I've lost interest in Contra dancing, I think because I don't like dancing as a man any more but don't yet feel comfortable asking people to see me as a woman.) My kids are in the same stuck place they've been for the past 2 years, but I've lost the will to worry about it or even nudge them about it any more, I've kind of thrown up my hands and try not to think about it.
It feels like I'm running in place. I'm moving my legs clip-clop clip-clop the way you do to get somewhere, but the scenery remains exactly the same. Like in the Kafka story "A Message from the Emperor," I could run for a thousand years and yet not make it beyond the first courtyard. By now, I'm wondering if I'm transitioning just to distract myself from how boring and empty my life is and, for that matter, how boring and empty I am. Will I find in three years (or however long it takes) that I've gone from being a boring, empty (and ugly) "man" to being a boring, empty (and ugly) "woman"?
Oh, well. Time to go back to trotting along that endless highway from nowhere to nowhere.
