Love questions but this is gonna be an epic wall of text so might want to grab a coffee as to answer properly I'll need to do a bit of back story.
Looking back it is all so obvious but going through my memory the losses were so slow they went unnoticed.
As a kid I was very emotional. Cried at the drop of a hat drawn to girlie things but you quickly get taught about what you are allowed.
Didn't stop me learning how to conceal crossdressing at an early age.
About 9ish my emotions were becoming a problem as I couldn't handle being picked on. I wished them away and it kinda worked.
My T system kicked in and my theory is it caused subtle damage throughout my body Neuromancer style effectively reducing my ability to feel anything.
Now as an emotional weak kid this seemed like getting a superpower my weak emotions were gone leaving only anger. Not long after the bullies were taken care of thanks to my new powers.
Life continues you learn what you are allowed as your ability to feel gets continually burned out by the T and a new demon comes to the party, sex drive.
Always been more interested in girls than boys but now there is at first an extra nice feeling thinking about them.
My T demon twisted and perverted my girl desires dressing resulted in orgasms with that unique chemical cocktail that makes everything go quiet.
The desire for this quiet turns you into an addict.
Time rolls on emotions decrease, programming continues and obsession with girls grows taking you ever further from who you were and it's so slow you don't even notice.
After 37 years I had everything wife, kids, job etc but it wasn't right. Something just wasn't right with the world but couldn't tell what.
Then I got lucky. I got ill no idea with what but for 3 days straight I couldn't eat, drink or stay conscious for any more than a few minutes. My physical and more importantly my mental strength depleted (to what I see now was dangerously low levels). As I weakened my mind slowly cleared aspects, constructs, demons, programs, shields, everything shut down except one quiet voice....mine.
I was alone, free and weak for the first time in decades I could see everything. Day 4 I was finally able drink and later eat but terrified I would lose myself again as my brain booted back up. I held on but could now see the effects of programming and influence of my hormonal system. As I got stronger and more secure in myself I even learned how to use them to get things done i.e. tired exercising fire up some rage or lust and let them burn themselves out on the cross-trainer.
Started work on my body and my mind to purge and repair them as best as I could. So many memories to process so much damage to what should have been my body but I work on it.
After 4-5 months my body is in healthy shape for a guy but I realise it's not what I really want I want a girl body. Considering it an impossibility I settle for planning to feminise it as much as I can.
Another few months I switch all toiletries and clothes to female only.
Also decide to no longer allow myself to think/feel sexual thoughts and reduce meat.
Ultimately do the reverse of everything you do to stimulate T production in order to reduce it naturally.
Everything is slowly getting better.
By Christmas I know my biggest remaining problem is T and I need Spiro to mitigate it's effects. Spiro alone though is dangerous and to supplement with E would be full blown HRT. Given the trauma caused by T I am scared of E, what demons could it unleash?
I decide to risk it and approach Sandyford GIC to then find out it's 12 months to say hello.
In fear I might not survive that long I get hormones online and tell my GP of my plans. He agrees to take care of my blood work etc and I start self medding.
First few days could be put down to the placebo effect but I felt euphoric. Within a week I could feel the presence of my T demon weakening releasing my mind from having to keep it under control.
About end of the first week was miraculous. I DREAMT!!!!!!! I mean I really had an actual dream. Hadn't dreamt since I was 6 but now full on HD immersive real dreams. Solid proof to me my neurology was on the mend.
Weeks later I could register emotions properly like happy and laugh at things I found funny often uncontrollably but in a good way. Later came emotions like remorse for things I had done and opportunities missed during my life which I talked through with my wife and eldest kid.
Both forgave me and were glad I am really here now.
Gradually notice my skin getting less oily and even pore shrinkage. Between diet, exercise and hormone my body is shaping up nicely but my breasts kinda snuck up on me.
Initially I didn't care if I got breasts or not but now I wonder how I ever lived without them.
Another amazing moment I cried watching the Peanuts movie in the cinema my wife of 16 years had never seen me shed a tear which is not really surprising as I hadn't cried since primary school. To actually be emotionally moved like that was the last sign I was finally real.
3 months in I am ALIVE, in decent shape and so happy. Life is great.
I'm still read as male by people that know me and by most people but it's taking them longer to decide every day ☺
TLDR Version
1. Full emotional and sensory restoration
2. Ability to dream
3. Freedom from animalistic male impulses (feed, fight, f*@k)
4. I am real and alive
5. Hormones gave me back my life
