Yay for shopping and major ouch on the price hike that seriously sucks.
I'm great tbh mainly counting down to next Wednesday but a lot been kinda happening relationshipwise.
As you know SO been struggling and has occasional dark phases but the dark phases have been growing in intensity and duration while triggering has become too erratic I'd even go so far as to wildly unpredictable.
Saturday started a bit rough when I had to cancel my shopping day plans with eldest to let SO have her but turned into an amazing day - Softplay with the little ones, phone call as we were leaving to join SO and Eldest for dinner then movie, gift from SO at dinner (lovely earrings) and I'm totally sparkling with love and happiness which everyone observes and even comments on. Moving on munchies etc for movie (Trolls), going great, better than ever then I made one comment ("Do you think you could be happy like that?" the characters had just gone from really sad to mega happy with hugs, kisses, sparkles, fireworks, song and dance the works) she didn't even hear me properly, misunderstood it, thought it was some kind of insult and the bubble popped instantly taking me from the highest high to the lowest low with her darkness all this within say 4 hours. This darkness lasted beyond the following day even with grovelling after her the previous night knowing I'd not really done anything wrong but to no avail.
Basically I've had enough of getting my hopes up with her then crashing down so I guess I've found a thing in my head which lets me block her a bit like my sex block. It stops me pining for her like a lovesick puppy and stops me being upset about her. Kind of like I got over her real quick and now just see her as anyone else. I'm not entirely sure what what exactly it is I've managed to do or if I can/want to undo it but it's pretty exciting. Taken full control of the household finances (already was in control but now I use my bank account instead of hers to separate clearer financially) including housekeeping now (usually I'd just give her cash and leave her to it). Her own position remains largely unchanged as I still pay for everything, her own wage she keeps as pocket money (for now) and I now do all the household shopping personally so she ends up with even more free time which I'm fine with.
So I've separated my mind and my money 100% from her and if not for the kids then physically splitting wouldn't be a problem for me which is pretty amazing. Neither of us will give up the kids and with fanatical devotion from 2 mums even a court would have serious problems making a decision. The kids want us to stay together and I am ok with that after all we are both adults that love our kids. I'll only move out alone if all 3 kids ask me to which wont happen from even 1 as my kids love me as much as I love them.
So I have a crazy plan.
I am happy enough to live together until all the kids are grown up and maybe even beyond but I'd want my own room at some point and........ a partner (she'd be welcome to do likewise of course). Said partner would need to be loved by me and my kids but I think it could work with the kids eventually having 2 sets of fantastic parents available at all times. My eldest thinks this is a great idea as do I with a great many possibilities if we all got along.
Naturally this is a not a short term plan as I'm years from being finished nor is it set in stone.
I know she has had a lot to deal with and she really has done very well with me as I have changed but her own future has to be thought of. With my wanting her to be happy I think the best thing for her is to get herself a "real man" rather than "trying" to love me.
I need real love, passion and even for my partner to lust after me.
No woman shoots for tolerated or accepted which I think is as high as she might be able to go despite her best intentions.
Random fact when typing - lust and are acronyms never noticed that before lol
Dang now there's a wall of text I didn't see coming when I typed my first line - Sorry y'all but there's my update.
