How was it your first time?

[HelenW]

A week ago I attended my first TG support group meeting.  I asked my therapist to recommend one and, after a delay of one month because of my SO's discomfort, I finally went.

Because the meeting started at 7:00pm and it's a 1 1/2 to 2 hour drive I had to leave directly from work with no time to change clothes, let alone put on my face, so I was en homme.  I expected the first time to a little uncomfortable, and it was.  My initial contact had just been elected co-chairperson and she was unable to give me much more attention past the, "Hi!  Nice to meet you!" stage.  The others, were wary of the "new guy" as, I suppose, I would be too.  Soon, I had the good fortune of meeting one of the founding members of the group, an MtF person who began to share with me and really make me feel welcome.  I'm very grateful to him that he spent that much time with me.

We watched a screening of HBO's "Middle Sexes" and had a short (it was late) discussion afterwords.  IMHO, the show was very good, as far as it went.

As I walked out I began to get emotional to the point of weeping with joy and relief.  There were other, real, live people that are not only just like me but also willing to go out and share themselves to us newbies!  After so many years of feeling isolated and dishonest it really drove home the fact that I'm not alone.  The elation was tinged with regret, however, that I hadn't been able to experience this before.  The drive home was subdued but joyful and offered a good opportunity for reflection.  Next month, I'm taking a half day vacation so I can properly prepare.  I think I've found a new extended family and yesterday, my SO asked if they had a Significant Other group associated with them.  More progress!

How did the support group experience affect you after the first time?  Good?  Bad??  Indifferent??  What can a newbie expect?

thnx
helen

[HelenW]

BTW - the group was SPECTRUM of Western New York - they have a website if you need more info, a GOOGLE will find it for you as it did for me.

helen

[stephanie_craxford]

Although it was quite a few years ago now, my first and only experience with a support group was not that great.  While the people who formed the membership were wonderful to be around the benefit to me personally was minimal.

The group was very active in the community. It met frequently with local law enforcement officials to discuss TG issues such as profiling, and harassment by police.  Also they would arrange for guest speakers to come and give advice on fashion, and etiquette etc... and would always end the evenings with "Outings" in the community to restaurants, shopping malls, and the like.  However the outings were always to TG friendly establishments, which can have it's pros and con's.

I guess my problem with this sort of situation is that the group provided support all TG's (That's a good thing) however there were only a couple of us who were TS, therefore we felt a little left out in the cold.  I also found the outings really uncomfortable.  There would be a least 6 - 8 people in various stages of "Passing" and to be honest we stuck out like sore thumbs, and I even heard comments from restaurant patrons to the effect "Look at all the transvestites".  I'm afraid that did it for me.

Like you Helen, I had to travel 2 hours to get to the meetings, but after three tries, I bid them farewell.  It was just not for me.  Don't get me wrong the group is an important part of the community it serves and has been a key factor in getting city ordinances changed that now provide protection to all who are or consider themselves to be apart of the TG community.

I guess I'm not good in these situations.

Steph

Steph

[LostInTime]

I had a mixed bag with the first one that I attended.  I was active online, back when the Usenet was useful, and chatted with another M2F woman.  She was just starting out as well but was far more outgoing than I was (or probably ever will be).  So I agreed to be picked up, by a complete stranger, and go with her to pick up another woman and then head on out for the support meeting.  I was in boy mode at the time and stressed to no end.

The meeting did not help much.  The thrill that I felt after realising that I had not done something that would have landed me in the hands of some serial killer faded after the group started.  This group had a bunch of people from across the spectrum and many made me feel uncomfortable.  Pizza was the food of choice for the break and that made me feel better but I still stuck to the shadows and watched everyone.  I also got to meet someone who had just been married and she was gorgeous.  No idea if she had been intersexed but she could have been a model and I was floored when I found out she was also M2F.

However, the amount of testosterone was too much for me.  Not at all lady like entered my head a few times as tempers flared here and there.

I was glad when it was over and also glad that I had met the two people that I did (the driver who took me and her friend).  I ended up going to another support group down the road and that was nice but I always felt bad because I never had the $$$ to put towards renting the place.  I did try to reconnect with the group after I was making more but I think that group had faded away.

I stayed away from the groups and therapists for several years and returned to an all new landscape.  The one hetereo crossdresser only group had been effectively "taken over" by some TS women.  It is supposedly more open now but I still avoid it like the plague.  Another group meets in a church so I will not go to that one.  That leaves the group my therapist has and that is a mixed bag at best.  Usually I feel out of place or I get depressed because so many of the women who started well after I did now have had surgery and mostly moved on.  So I usually do not go at all and prefer to stick with other interest groups I have become a part of recently.

I do think that networking is important.  Just do not form ties that will hold you down and hold you back from becoming who you really are in this life.

[DawnL]

I was still struggling with denial when I went to my first meeting.  I said little and looked around the room at the strange assortment of people there and thought, "what am I doing here with all these freaks?"  By the end of the meeting, I quietly acknowledged I was one of them.  The second meeting was the same and after that, I never questioned why I was there again.

Dawn

[Teri Anne]

Like some of you, one of my biggest difficulties of going to a TG group was that some in the group were unconvincing (to be polite) as women.  Like Dawn, I asked myself, "What are you doing here with these freaks?"  I gradually, too, came to the realization that I unfortunately was what society might think of as a freak.  Luckily, we never went out as a group to restaurants or malls -- Yikes!  Wow, Steph.  That must have been traumatic.  I've thought, for a long time, about the differences between TS and gay groups:

(1) Gay groups generally are more homogenous looking.  TG groups can include crossdressers, drag queens.  I saw big muscular guys in mini dresses and fishnet stockings -- These people, unlike me, didn't care about blending in.

(2) Gay groups, when they meet, seemingly don't have to face people who look imperfect.  Gays don't have to change their appearance to be what they are.  They just ARE.  It's not that we WANT to look imperfect (though some in #1 above do), it's just that we have to work a lot harder to get to looking average.  And some don't have the bucks or luck of being born a smaller size.  For me, hair was an issue.  It was thining and so I had to wear a wig.  It's taken hair transplants, minoxidil and propecia and I'm just about getting to a point of having women's hair -- on a bad hair day, lol. 

I sometimes daydream about people who have medical problems (like having to wear fake legs) meeting as groups.  One thing they have over us, is that the fake leg can be hidden under clothing.  A fake hand, of course, cannot.  I'm sure that people with fake hands get stared at but it luckily isn't the holier or better than thou stares that we sometimes get.  When people look at them, it usually is a look of compassion.

Once you get through the trauma of accepting that this group of imperfect looking people are just like you, the meetings actually can be very interesting.  Oh, there were some about police harrassment that went on and on -- I, being I've tried to blend in, don't see police harassment as an issue for me.  I felt like saying, "Don't hang out in overtly sexual outfits at streetcorners at 2 o'clock at night" but you can't really say that."

One thing I remember is seeing the teenage TS's and how pretty they were.  I remember being a teenager and having TS feelings.  Things were sooo different then.  Transsexualism was nearly unheard of in my circles.  Unfortunately, like many of my generation, I waited 'till I was 46 years old before transitioning.  When I was 36, I went to my first TG meeting.  I went to a few, then stopped for ten years.  Finally, I went back and learned what I could, in the meetings and online.

The meetings helped me.

Teri Anne

[tinkerbell]

I have never gone to a support group of my own; however, I  have accompanied a friend of mine to one called Diablo girls which was rather boring to my taste.  I found all the support I needed from my therapist and from reading about my condition.

tinkerbell

[Kate]

My first time was... a nice reality check for me.

Many years ago, I had tried - twice I think - to go to generic TG support group meetings. I got as far as the parking lot, then chickened out. I watched some of the people going in, and some of them smoking outside before it started, and it... I dunno, just didn't feel right to me. So I fled.

I finally attended my first TS-specific support group earlier this year. It was quite an eye opener for me. The five girls there were many months to years into HRT and transition, and I was shocked to see them as... well... just ordinary women. Nothing special, no miniskirts or glamour makeup... just... women going about their lives, chatting and catching up with one another as women so often do.

And that changed me. From that day forward, this all suddenly seemed POSSIBLE to me. Difficult, painful, and a far, far away goal... but possible. THAT'S what I wanted. That's what I so desperately need. Just to be normal, to fit back in where I belong.

I've been to a half-dozen meetings since. It's not so much helpful in an educational way as it is emotionally validating and supportive. There's nothing quite like seeing the emotions playing in people's faces: the pain, and even the laughing at the absurdity of it all sometimes. It's not so much WHAT we talk about as the process of talking and interacting itself that's comforting.

So yes, I'd say it's been helpful for me.

[Cindi Jones]

The first meetings I went to were mostly attended by cross dressers.  For these two particular groups, dressing up was a very big deal.  They were both in the bay area and I visited while on in town on business.  These sort of scared me away for a while.  And then I made contact with someone in Tri S in Boston.  She was definitely CD, but she gave me a lot of emotional help.  I traveled to Boston frequently and we got together often.  We had some nice quiet times and a couple that were uhhh.... not so quiet.  But it was the quiet time in the coffee house and restaurants... talking and laughing... that pulled my spirit towards reality.  She helped me with the few remaining problems I had in passing and she helped me from getting into trouble once.  I lost track of her many years ago.  And it pains my heart that such a good friend has moved on.

When I moved to the LA area, I attended a group in Santa Monica on a weekly basis.  It was monitored by Dr. Jayne Thomas.  That was a very good group.  Attendance was marked by all sorts of TG issues but it wasn't a costume contest.  Some came dressed nicely but tastefully and others came casually.  Some passed okay and most did not.  We'd retire to a restaurant afterwards where they treated us all with respect.  It was amazing to me that real outside people wouldn't laugh and point at us. 

I've probably completely moved off topic.  I don't even know what "first time" we are talking about.  I'm sorry for rambling.  But I've been taken back to some fond memories here.  I'll never forget my nights in Boston with the rain drizzling as we hid out in the coffee shop till the wee hours of the morning.

Cindi

[HelenW]

I'm happy to see this thread has been ressurected!

I have been to many more meetings (8 altogether) since then and I am happy to say that I'm making some friends.  What Dawn said is very close to how I felt too:

From that day forward, this all suddenly seemed POSSIBLE to me.

My wife came with me to the last meeting for the first time.  We have a number of GG spouses that come.  We are trying to get an SO support group going but the numbers are still a little too low.  We've started a TG couples group, though, and that seems to be gathering steam.

My only regret is that I live so far away from the city (Buffalo) and that the group's focus is mainly in the city.  I wish there were a more regional approach.

It's true that some of the people that come to our group do not pass well at all.   But it seems to me that there but for the grace of the Deity go I and who am I to judge?  I have not yet gone out after the meetings with them, though, because of the long drive home so I don't know how it goes then.

These are the only events that I've gone to while dressed as I like so they provide a good first step towards the rest of my life.

'n 
helen

[umop ap!sdn]

Right after my epiphany I arranged to meet with someone in the TG community. The setting was a bar, and at first it just seemed like any ordinary bar. There was live entertainment and we got to chatting.Suddenly I realized that just about everybody in this place was some form of TG. This was all new to me but somehow I didn't feel uncomfortable.

Then I relocated and found a group that meets here. They meet in a church but they never asked whether I'm a believer. Each time I went there I did have that "what am I doing here" feeling, but as I got to where I could go dressed completely female it got to where I was feeling natural about my own presence.

[BrandiOK]

  My therapist suggested the local TG "support group" and she guilted me into going....

  I went...I was very nervous (I have serious anxiety issues) and wasn't sure what to expect.  It was in the GLBT center and when I walked in I saw a couple middle aged men sitting on a sofa in the lobby and that was pretty much it.  I was like....Ok, a couple gay guys and this is a "support meeting'?. 

  A little while later a woman I identified (mistakingly) as a CD came in began making rounds trying to introduce herself to everyone and explain why we are here and all.  She was exactly the kind of Jerry Springer stereotype that I was hoping to avoid but I was stuck.  I was thinking to myself that I had to run NOW!!!.  My roommate who was there with me forced me to stay .  Turns out the gay guys on the sofa were FtM TS and dayum I would never have guessed in a hundred years. They looked GOOD.   

  As the group moderator herded the group into a tiny office that caused us to bunch up like sardines I was beginning to panic.  I looked around the room and all I saw where hairy guys in hideous dresses and sitting around like they were at the sports bar watching the game.  I decided ok...don't be so judgemental they are crossdressers and have every right to express themselves how they choose.

  The group started out with a introduce yourself and how you identify round the room game.  After witnessing the resident linebacker crowd all identify themselves as TS and living fulltime I was nervous.  When it came my turn I explained my "stats" and that I was TS.   Talk about your dirty looks from the football team....I thought I was gonna be dogpiled. 

  Almost everyone there with the exception of myself and my roomie were long time group members...we mainly just listened to thier stories or how they aren't accepted in the "real" world as women.  I just didn't know what to say.  On one hand they have every right to be treated as women in society but on the other hand finding a single shaved leg or face in the group was difficult. 

  The FtM members were a hoot.....I loved them.  They were struggling through thier problems, some with addiction, some with loss of family and some with loss of careers but they were honest and honestly trying to fit in.  I found a huge respect for those guys in the course of one evening. 

  After the meeting I decided it just wasn't for me.....I had no one there to relate to or even anyone that I felt I could hang out with (without worrying about my cash disappearing out of my purse).  I realize this sounds harsh but these were some pretty harsh people.

  I explained what I saw to my therapist and she admitted that it was a pretty rough group but she wanted me to interact with them at least once.  She talked me into going again once more several months later but the result was the same.  It was horrible.....it was a different building this time and one that apparently was well used by transients because it reeked of urine.  Needless to say that was the end of Brandi's support group days. 

[umop ap!sdn]

On one hand they have every right to be treated as women in society but on the other hand finding a single shaved leg or face in the group was difficult.

While I agree that even those who don't pass easily should still be respected, it sounds as if none of these were even trying. People respond to what they perceive, and in this world it is necessary to make an effort to put forth a favorable image.

Needless to say that was the end of Brandi's support group days.

It stinks that you had such uncomfortable experiences. I know that one or two bad experiences can spoil the whole concept - that's perfectly understandable - but not all support groups are like that.

[Sheila]

My first time to a support group was not all that inviting. I didn't go dressed cause I had never met anyone there and wanted to try to see what it was like. The person who facilitated the meeting introduced me by my name and added in the phrase fresh meat. Well, I didn't care for that at all. Most of them were crossdressers and didn't really care what they looked like. Mainly older people. The facilitator would talk about wanting to have SRS so she could have sex with some young guy and that was her main thought. Then there were a few who were into diesel trucks and would talk about that all evening. It was very boring as I know nothing and don't care to know anything about cars and trucks. I stopped going then about 3 to 4 months later started going as I had this thought that I would make like I wanted to make it. This place was in a old building and it was dusty and all, but it was cheap. I started going and I didn't learn anything from the meeting, only that there were more like me and it was amazing. I got some contacts and I started teaching the group. I wanted to go out and do things that is when the group wanted to stay home and I guess I just wanted to be who I was in a fast way and they wanted to stay in the closet. The group disbanded as no one wanted to hold the meetings and other things that went on. It was too bad.
Sheila

[sheila18]

BrandiOK:
Sounds like my first group session, all wonderfull people with their sinificant others(SO) all niceand friendly, yet I could not identify with their goals.

  I developed a phobia that i called in my internal dialogue as "the pathetic tx" not me not ever and for the following 10years of my ts career i dressed up every day first in androgynous garb and later in modest femenine attire and then to look at that ho    anyways ...practiced my looks and mannerisms and walk well ...I was freaked out.

  I visited them 3 years ago, no change.  They are still wonderful and helpful.


Sheila18