Among the many things that have been troubling me ever since I thought I might be transgender in some sense or other is the thought that maybe the reason I want to "be a girl" is my parents' rather obvious preference for girls. It makes me feel like my transgender urges aren't valid because they're just a neurosis.
Background: I have two older brothers, a younger brother, and a much younger sister.
When I was young, definitely less than 9, I remember my parents telling me on several occasions something like: "before <brother #2> was born, he was supposed to be a girl and we named him <sister's name>, but then he turned out to be a boy so we had to find a different name. Then before you were born, you were supposed to be a girl and were named <sister's name>, but then you turned out to be a boy. Then when your mother was pregnant with <brother #4>, he was supposed to be a girl, too."
So when my sister was born, when I was 9, we all knew what her name would be. And I knew we boys were failed attempts at getting a daughter.
By the time she was two, I noticed that my parents were a lot easier on her. The same things that would get us whipped with a belt they just laughed at when she did them. Every thing she did was "cute," whereas we boys were mostly just an annoyance. She was catered to, when we needed things, we were on our own. When my older brother would beat me up, my parents' attitude was that I should just fight back; in any case, it wasn't their problem. I did learn self-reliance that way, but at a cost. (I don't know what things were like for her when she was much older because I left for college before she was 9 and basically never came home.)
Later on, when we children had children of our own, I noticed that my parents made a point of visiting and spending time with my nieces, whereas my sons, the only boys of that generation, only ever saw my family when I brought them to my family, and they were generally ignored even then.
I guess it's no surprise that I grew up with the idea that girls/women were some higher order of being than boys/men. They deserve respect and support simply for being female, whereas we have to earn it each day anew by contributing something. It took me a long time to realize that that wasn't the way other people thought. Even now, it jolts me when a man does something that shows that he thinks women aren't worth as much as men. It doesn't compute.
I think it's one reason I have a hard time saying even to myself, "I am a woman." It's like: how could I ever aspire to being a woman? I'm just a worthless, expendable man, and if I want any attention or acceptance at all, I have to pay for it by contributing something. The idea that I might deserve it just for existing is inconceivable, because it was something I never got.
