Looking for advice/support regarding coming out and college applications

[Alzh]

Hi! I'm new to the forum. I've been putting this off for a while now, but I am feeling too confused and worried to put this off any longer.

I am an incoming senior in the Pacific Northwest, who is currently filling out their college apps. For the past few years, I had been planning to come out and be in a position to go full-time by my freshman of year of college, so when I saw an opportunity to disclose my gender identity on the Common Application, I really really wanted to. However, I am not technically out to anyone right now, and I am afraid that my parents will see the app.

I want to try and come out to my mom, but I am scared to death of doing it. She has some very conservative Chinese ideals. She thinks that "proper" women should only be in stereotypical female professions (i.e. secretary, reporter), and that it is a shame if a family has no sons to pass on the family name (she was scolded by both of my aunts for expressing disappointment at my older cousin's two daughters). When I tried to come out a few years ago, she told me that she would have felt disappointment if I had been born a girl, and that me being a son was one of the greatest things to happen to her.

I don't want to paint my mom as a bad person. She is very kind and compassionate, and probably the person I love the most in my life. But I feel like we have grown further and further apart in the past few years. Our entire family has been passive-aggressive to each other for a few years now. I have been wanting to talk to her, to straighten out some of the kinks that have appeared over the years, and to hopefully ease into the topic of coming out, but I am having trouble gathering the courage to start a conversation.

I think I can muster this, but I still feel some doubts and fears. Is this a good idea (I am still dependent, but I am pretty confident that my parents wouldn't cut me off)? How do you find the courage to come out to people who will almost surely disapprove? Also, does anyone have any first-hand experience regarding how admissions officers see transgender individuals?

So yeah, there's my story, and its impossible to describe how much better I feel just writing this down. Welp, going to set a public goal of doing this by the 3rd of September. Going to promise to write an update so that I don't chicken out. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

[Jacqueline]

Alzh,

Welcome to the site.

Very sorry for how you feel. I am glad you found the youth talk portion of this site.

I know you are talking about the application but it seems a lot of issues are coming from needing to tell your parents. There are some open letters  and a video that might be helpful? If they could support you, they would be your best advocates. However, as you are about to become or already are an adult(legally) some decisions may be your own.

Have you spoken to a therapist? If not, I would suggest you do so. Even if it starts with a school based one. Many school districts can point you in the right direction for finding one and might be able to work with you on informing your parents.

These are some links from another person struggling to tell their parents right now:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213765.msg1893450.html#msg1893450
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,213781.msg1893273.html#msg1893273


This is the link to an open letter one of our moderators was working on. The semi finished letter is at the bottom of the thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,190312.0.html

Two more open letters:
https://www.susans.org/wiki/An_open_letter_to_parents_of_transsexual_children
https://www.susans.org/wiki/An_open_letter_to_the_parents_of_transsexual_children_No._2

Two links for advice on telling parents:
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Telling_your_parents_-_Part_II


Hope it doesn't overwhelm you. Continue to ask questions.

I just took my oldest daughter to her first year of college. I cannot advise you about whether to put it on the app as far as you parents are concerned. However, I can say that except for a few I have seen in the news, most colleges have become very accepting of trans students. Right down to having housing for gender fluid or flexible individuals. Not all I am sure but most of the ones we looked at. Including both private and state(NY) schools.

If that was not enough information. I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[becky.rw]

She has some very conservative Chinese ideals. She thinks that "proper" women should only be in stereotypical female professions
   /*** snip ***/
Going to promise to write an update so that I don't chicken out. After all, what's the worst that could happen?

I don't know all your details of course, but the worst is that she won't talk to you, look at you, or acknowledge your existence, for the rest of her life, and will do everything in her power to keep the family from contributing towards your educational expenses.    If you describe her accurately, I would put the odds at even money of that being exactly what would happen.

I know this is a harsh reality check kind of message, but you have every right to make an informed decision knowing both likely costs and benefits.

Personally, if I had school expenses already accounted for and under my control; I would have gone for it at age 19 instead of being grumpy and miserable for 30 years afterwards (with lots of caveats, I admit).

[Alzh]

Thank you Joanna. The links that you shared were very helpful, particularly the advice about rehearsing in my head. There is a bit of a language barrier (I cannot read or write Chinese very well, and my mother knows very little English), so finding an open letter has been tough. I do feel I should be able to manage, though.

I know this is a harsh reality check kind of message, but you have every right to make an informed decision knowing both likely costs and benefits.

Thank you. While it may seem weird, visualizing a worst-case scenario has helped me feel better about the whole thing. I don't think that it will escalate to the situation that you described. I feel it is far more likely that she will simply not believe me, which is sort of what happened last time (I wasn't brave enough to press the issue, so we just sort of left it there). I think the threat of having to lie on my college apps will be enough to push me this time, but I will keep your post in mind and "repent" like I did last time if things escalate too far.