An update on me...

[Michelle_P]

I finally got the last boxes unpacked and everything put away.  The place looks empty!  I clearly need more stuff...



I also got an amazing e-mail from my mother-in-law, stating:

First of all I want you to know that I accept you unconditionally.  Second, I understand your difficulty expressing yourself when you are attempting to verbalize emotional feelings, especially when the emotions are intense.  Once these emotions become understood and organized a new vocabulary emerges and it will be easier to readily express emotions.  Meanwhile I again salute you for having taken this difficult step in your life and I hope the change will bring with it a happier future.

Wow!  That just got me crying again.  Acceptance is something we so badly need, from something as simple yet personal as accepting ourselves, to knowing that we are not rejected by others.

Now, I had also come out to that radio club, which I heard back from, and the instructional team.  The club issues look to be resolving to something reasonable.  The instructional team leader finally had a response for me:

Thank you for your openness in sharing your health challenges in your email as it must have been difficult to write.

I pray that GOD will provide guidance and wisdom to the Kaiser team of specialists as they offer their advice and care.  I also pray that GOD will provide His guidance and wisdom to you for decisions that you will be making in the days to come.  I pray that GOD's will be done for you and your family, at this time.

Uh oh.  I've got a bad feeling about this...

The path I'm taking in transition does seem to have some boulders strewn about it.

Tomorrow gets really interesting.  I have a few errands to run, then I'm going over to my wife's house to fix a few things, and then we both go to meet the lawyer for the first mediation session.  I've got the FL-142 Asset and Debit list completed along with all the needed attachments.  I didn't want to fiddle around the whole first session learning what I would have to bring to the second session.  I just hope this isn't seen as my being eager to end things.  I just hate wasting time.

After the mediation session, I'm back to my place, and will change to go out to dinner with what I hope will be some new friends.

So, that was my first week of the Real Life Test.
May future weeks be happier.

- Michelle

[EmilyMK03]

Michelle, did the letter from your instructional team leader actually capitalize all the letters in God like that?  Who writes like that?  Not even the venerable King James translation puts all the letters in capital like that.  Sheesh.

Twice he wrote "guidance and wisdom".  And of course he had to write about God's will, didn't he?  Noticeably absent in his letter was any mention of God's love, which was the entire reason why he sent Jesus Christ down to earth!  You know, the basis of the Christian faith...

Ugh.  I am a Christian, have been all my life, and when I see other "Christians" spew that kind of generic, from-the-pulpit dogmatic crap, it really makes me mad.   

At least your mother-in-law is handling it well.  Which is maybe surprising since your wife isn't?

[Michelle_P]

Thanks, Emily.  Yes, the quoted letters are exact cut-n-pastes from the e-mails I received.  I thought the capitalization was odd, along with the tone of the letter.  There's a definite hair shirt, fire and brimstone feel to that writing style.  I suspect he's a cafeteria Christian, picking and choosing the bits of his faith to reinforce his own personal ideology. Lots of those out there, unfortunately.

My mother-in-law has always been a source of surprises for me.  She's a really neat person, very thoughtful and open.  My father-in-law was similar, but tended to express annoyance when someone disagreed with him. (I often did, just to give him something to argue about, as he had a really good debate style when challenged, always thoughtful.) In some ways my wife had rebelled against their openness with the way she conducts her life.

Today will be an odd one, presenting more or less androgynous, picking over the bones of my old life with the spouse and a lawyer, then flipping back to me for dinner with what I hope will be new friends.  "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

[Michelle_P]

Well, I made it.  "It WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times."

The divorce mediation meeting went as I thought it would.  Intros, "Are you sure?", here's the process.  And it's all about the finances, about which my dear spouse was almost willfully ignorant.  I asked the lawyer questions for her, and explained that I wanted her to get as much help as possible in understanding the financial ramifications of her choices.  I fear she will make some very bad ones.

So, it was rough.  I was emotionally spent afterwards, and just sat in the car crying for a while before I came home.

Once home I got properly dressed and got my hair back on, and immediately began to feel better.  I picked up the mail, and found a little goodie I had ordered last week, a new training corset.  (Yeah.  Ouch!  Like I don't have enough pain...). Yes, I'm still trying to get that magic waist ratio to help me read as female.  By hook or by crook...

Anyway, I spiffed myself up as best as I could, and headed out to the support group dinner.  That was a whole other experience.  I think I spotted at least one other Susan's Place member there, and I deliberately dressed matching my avatar just in case someone wanted to say "Hi!"  No bites, but that's OK.  The group was amazing, a little of everything there, in pretty much the statistical distribution of the transgender population at large.  I had some great conversations with several transitioning and postop folks, and a couple others who appeared to be recreational types, some with their spouses.  Interesting crowd, and fun company.  There are almost weekly events coming up, and I think I'll be attending.

The dinner and some upcoming events are actually within walking distance of my bachelorette pad, which is neat. I did get rained on coming home, but it's OK.  I'm certified drip-dry.

[josie76]

I'm sorry about your relationship with your wife. That is so rough. Getting that note from your mother in law must have been such a wonderful surprise given your situation with your spouse.



Best wishes with your new place.

[Sophia Sage]

Anyway, I spiffed myself up as best as I could, and headed out to the support group dinner.  That was a whole other experience.  I think I spotted at least one other Susan's Place member there, and I deliberately dressed matching my avatar just in case someone wanted to say "Hi!"  No bites, but that's OK.  The group was amazing, a little of everything there, in pretty much the statistical distribution of the transgender population at large.  I had some great conversations with several transitioning and postop folks, and a couple others who appeared to be recreational types, some with their spouses.  Interesting crowd, and fun company.  There are almost weekly events coming up, and I think I'll be attending.

I swear, my local support group back in the day was my lifeline. They kept me alive as I went through this.  And part of that, I'm sure, is that I got the opportunity to not be so focused on myself?  I mean, every week there was usually someone in more dire emotional straits than I was, and so I could be the one giving compassion and support, which was frankly a relief.  Not that I wasn't in need of it myself, mind you.

From this group I made some friends.  Some who came over regularly, my day-to-day social life.  One woman took off like a rocket, the sort of woman who gets asked, "Did you used to be a model?"  Used to, because she was in her late thirties.

I eventually lost touch with all of them, such is the way of life especially when you're on the move.  But I learned so much from them, and not just about the hows and wherefores of transition, but about myself.

[Stacitg1]

Michelle, thank you so much for doing this thread. I know that in the near future, 6 months to a year, I will probably be going through much the same thing as after coming out to my wife and two 30 something kids received an unpleasant response. Right now my wife is OK with me dressing and going out but does not want to see me dressed. We do the texting before returning thing too. The same with my daughter who lives with us. I started HRT 3 months ago and my breasts started budding 3 weeks ago. I have not told my wife or children about the breast budding but they do know that I am on a low HRT regimen. My wife is set to retire at the end of March and I am hoping to wait until after then to start being more insistent that I am going to fully transition. We will be married 40 years in December. I wish I could keep the family together but it doesn't look promising. Trying to get my wife to go to counseling.

Anyway, your story gives me some peace in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, either way things end up.

Keep on letting us know how you are doing and I hope things get better and better for you. Your picture looks great by the way!

[LizK]

Michelle, thank you so much for doing this thread. I know that in the near future, 6 months to a year, I will probably be going through much the same thing as after coming out to my wife and two 30 something kids received an unpleasant response. Right now my wife is OK with me dressing and going out but does not want to see me dressed. We do the texting before returning thing too. The same with my daughter who lives with us. I started HRT 3 months ago and my breasts started budding 3 weeks ago. I have not told my wife or children about the breast budding but they do know that I am on a low HRT regimen. My wife is set to retire at the end of March and I am hoping to wait until after then to start being more insistent that I am going to fully transition. We will be married 40 years in December. I wish I could keep the family together but it doesn't look promising. Trying to get my wife to go to counseling.

Anyway, your story gives me some peace in knowing that there is light at the end of the tunnel, either way things end up.

Keep on letting us know how you are doing and I hope things get better and better for you. Your picture looks great by the way!

Hi Stacitg1

It makes life all the more difficult for you when you have a spouse and family in the "closet" I am married 30 years and we are still together despite me going through a full social and Medical transition. I really thought I would be doing this alone and I was prepared to if I had too. Lucky for me my family is my rock...it took time and patience. My daughter were freaked out to start off but have come round really quickly once they saw all the positive changes in me. Now they would not have it any other way...I know they would sooner have Liz than the depressed, withdrawn, angry man that was me prior to transition.

There is hope that your wife will be OK in the end. I found my Kids had far less hassles accepting it that my friends did, most of whom have been great.  Time is your best friend in this situation and I hope it works out for you.

Liz

[Stacitg1]

Hi Stacitg1

It makes life all the more difficult for you when you have a spouse and family in the "closet" I am married 30 years and we are still together despite me going through a full social and Medical transition. I really thought I would be doing this alone and I was prepared to if I had too. Lucky for me my family is my rock...it took time and patience. My daughter were freaked out to start off but have come round really quickly once they saw all the positive changes in me. Now they would not have it any other way...I know they would sooner have Liz than the depressed, withdrawn, angry man that was me prior to transition.

There is hope that your wife will be OK in the end. I found my Kids had far less hassles accepting it that my friends did, most of whom have been great.  Time is your best friend in this situation and I hope it works out for you.

Liz

Thanks Liz! I have not given up hope and my therapist also says that often family eventually come around. Mine have a very tough religious hurdle to overcome but I keep praying.

[Rachel]

Hi Michelle,

Your mother in law rocks!

I am sorry you and your wife are in emotional pain.

I did the mediation route and am now refinancing the house and getting qualified domestic relations orders (qdro) for my pension and 403B. We are waiting for the final decree to be officially divorced. It gets better when you realize it is over and you have something to look forward to, being you.

It looks like the radio club person is judging you. That is a very big seat to fill. I am not religious and often hear people picking and choosing what to follow as it suites their beliefs. It may become and issue or it may not, time will tell.

[Michelle_P]

Oh, thank you, everyone!  This is a rocky path we all follow, that's for sure. It may look smooth at a distance, but up close... not so much. 

I've been working on a note to be read at the November radio club meeting, which usually has 25-30 people present, to let the membership at large know what happened to their club president, who normally runs the meeting.  Our vice president, Michelle (NOT ME!) will likely be running the meeting, and either she or one of the officers will read this little statement as part of the meeting.  I've tried to keep it as terse as possible, while letting folks know that this is a serious medical decision, not a lark or a 'lifestyle choice'.

Mike has been dealing with a medical problem, something that has been there since birth but which has steadily gotten worse.  Mike has already received some treatment for this problem, which has temporarily improved things.

The medical team supervising Mike's treatment has determined that additional treatments are appropriate and medically necessary, and Mike has decided to proceed with these treatments in the interest of sanity and health.

These treatments will significantly alter Mike's appearance.  Mike is a transgender person, and at this point is considered to be medically female.  She is now required to live as openly female as part of treatment going forward.  She's not at this months meeting in order to avoid derailing the meeting.

She does ask that you take time to think about this, remembering that she is the same person you know, just with different appearance.  Deciding to proceed with this treatment has been extremely difficult for her, and comes after months of prayer and discussions, both personal and professional.

She does plan on attending the club's Christmas party, and will be happy to talk one-on-one with anyone who has questions or comments for her at that time.

I don't want this to take up more than a couple minutes of the club meeting time, and just give the bare minimum of information:
1) This is medical treatment
2) I'm transgender
3) I'm medically female
4) I'm living openly as female
5) Save any questions you have for next month

Any improvements I can make on this, without derailing the meeting or taking up more time?

[SadieBlake]

Hmm I would only be absent from that meeting if you expect not to be accepted. As you clearly plan to continue with the organization, carrying your own water seems the better course to me.

You haven't mentioned which pronouns you want the members to use, that's the only other omission that stands out for me.

Waiting two paragraphs to give the actual news seems the wrong order. Also casting transition as a problem feels off to me, I'd choose to say this is what I am and have been and the solutions are medically necessary and supervised / assisted by your health care team.

Noting that I work for a completely different kind of organization -- very open and liberal minded university -- the environment obviated any need for others to introduce the new reality. While I knew that my particular director and work team included a combination of clueless and hostile, acceptance is required by the organization and so I handled it by letting hr know, then my boss and then announcing to the team. It took all of 4 minutes and there was only one question and from the couple of women there, congratulations.

My purpose was to mark officially that I'd begun RLE, addressed pronouns (I'm not changing name anytime soon) and I cast it as simply letting people know so that there was context for understanding the changes in appearance.

That's my $0.02, best wishes for all of the balls you're juggling right now!

[Michelle_P]

Based on some suggestions I've gotten I'm going to rework the whole thing, probably as a personal letter to be read.

The audience for this are older, almost entirely male nerds, mid 50s to 80s, mostly Fox News listeners. They tend to respond to things that sound like a technical issue. Alas, the word 'transgender' is a sort of trigger word. Once they hear that I expect them to stop listening for 30 seconds or so while they process. That's why I want to 'warm up' by engaging them with a 'medical problem'.  Without this they'll hear 'transgender' and think 'lifestyle choice' as they've been preprogrammed to do.

I'll post whatever I come up with.

I won't be present at the initial meeting as I am now full time, and I'd essentially have to come out to the members one by one as they arrive, with interruption, new arrivals, and such only getting part of the message. I'd derail what is supposed to be a business and planning meeting into one that's all about ME!

I want to just let them know, then let them meet me one on one at a social event in December, where I won't be impacting the business session.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[LizK]

Hi Michelle

I struggled with the same thing trying to compose what was essentially a multi-audience letter. In the end I used the words Transgender and Transsexual in the letter for clarity. I also talked about various medical treatments under the supervision of my medical Team. I told them I was transitioning and what that meant and in the last paragraph I addressed the Myth of choice and lifestyle. You know your audience and I understand your thinking about not hitting them too early with trigger words.

Liz

[Michelle_P]

With feedback from everyone, and much of this written by one of you in particular (*Hugs*), and additional feedback from my gender therapist, here is what I have now:

I've been dealing with a medical problem for decades that needs to be addressed.  The causes are complicated, but the medical solution is well understood.  It has already had a significant impact on me that I wanted to share with everyone, by re-introducing myself.

Hi, my name is Michelle, your club president.  I am transgender and medically transitioning with the support of my physician, therapist, and endocrinologist, along with a team of specialists at Kaiser.  This has been an extremely difficult process both professionally and personally, and I ask for your patience and understanding.  Please understand this is not about "lifestyle" or a "choice", but about my survival.  I would be more than happy to answer any questions you may have about my transition, about my being transgender, or just to talk!  Please feel free to contact me, and we can chat and get to know each other all over again!

This will be read to the members, and copies of the APA handout "Answers to your questions ABOUT TRANSGENDER PEOPLE, GENDER IDENTITY, AND GENDER EXPRESSION"  will be made available.
http://www.apa.org/topics/lgbt/transgender.pdf

[PrincessCrystal]

Honestly, you should try and send it out a day or so in advance, maybe come out to a few people.  You'll be better off if people have time to adjust and don't feel like it's being pushed on them with short notice.

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Princess!

That's actually how this will work. Our active members who read their mail will see this a few days in advance, when I send out the meeting agenda. Members at the meeting who don't get or read mail will hear it first at the meeting. Note that I won't be st this meeting, so my sudden appearance won't derail the business meeting. Members who don't go to the meeting or read their mail but do go to the holiday party won't know who I am anyway. (Yes, there are actually people in each of these categories!  It is an odd bunch.)

There will be over a month between when this information is put out and when the membership first sees me.

I'll do the actual introduction of ME to the membership at the holiday party, a social event where people are free to come and go and I can mingle with the folks who have questions or otherwise have something to say to me about this.

Honestly, you should try and send it out a day or so in advance, maybe come out to a few people.  You'll be better off if people have time to adjust and don't feel like it's being pushed on them with short notice.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Michelle_P]

I had a nice conversation with my youngest, 25 year old daughter today.  Facetime... with me as myself. 

Now, she hasn't want to see me as myself since I came out to her.  At the same time, she misses me.  We have been texting back and forth, but yesterday I got kicked with the "lifestyle choice" charge.  Mom's handiwork, I suspect.  She wanted me to cross-dress male and pay her a visit, but I'm full time now, don't have that stuff (although I could fake it from my wardrobe, I think), and am not inclined to do that to please someone else, even my daughter.

That's when I got kicked with the lifestyle choice/it's not really medical stuff.  That ended conversation yesterday.

Today she texted again, saying she wants to see me but isn't ready to see ME.  I tried to explain how all of this, the dressing, voice work and such, are part of the treatment package, much as breast cancer treatment isn't just the mastectomy, but the rehab, prosthetics, and reconstruction, all needed to help the patient be fully functional.

My medicines and therapy are a good short term fix, I explained, but in the longer term one of the medicines will take out my kidneys or liver, so something else would need to be done.  I explained that a minimal medical long term fix would involve removing the testicles, and maintaining estrogen dosage, resulting in my being a bald eunuch with boobs.  Not a pretty picture that I painted.  I'd be giving up on ever fulfilling that desire in my mind and crying out from my deep brain structure to have a feminine appearance, and that is something my therapist and I both agree would be giving up hope, and dropping me into a deep depression.  Also not pretty.

She was quiet for a while, then texted me about possibly seeing me via Facetime, not in person, to sort of get used to the idea.  Brilliant kid!  I suggested that I could do that easily, and leave the hair in the other room even, or perhaps just show it to her off of me.  ( Smaller steps for easier desensitization...)

So, we had a nice Facetime chat.  I showed her the little apartment, and just sat there and yanked with her.  When I showed her the apartment I gave her a peek in the bedroom, with stuff like my mirror, scarves, purse and wigs all out.  We chatted, then mentioned some wardrobe things, and I complemented her on her hair.  Hey, want to see my hair?

I showed her the wigs.  She asked which was my favorite, and why.  She was surprised that they were fairly short, what she called 'skater hair'.  I offered to show her how they fit, so she watched while I popped on a wig cap and my current favorite, the ginger blonde in the current avatar.  We just kept talking while I sat there with the wig on.

She asked if I had makeup.  Over to the vanity, popped it open, showed her the collection. She went to her room and started showing me all her favorites.  Long discussion of eyeliner pencils vid smudge sticks...

It was maybe 15 minutes into this that she started running down a bit, much to process in mind, and I eased her down.  I was surprised that she had done so well at all this exposure; Daddy's wigs, makeup, styling suggestions, clothing sizes and favorite places to shop, and so forth.

She handled it pretty well.

I mentioned a movie that had just come out starring her current crush, Benedict Cumberbatch, and one of her favorite pizza places that had a new outpost two blocks away.  Maybe you'd like to drop by and we could catch the movie and a bite?  So, she'll think about it.

I don't think it could have gone any better.  Daddy Michelle is happy.

[islandgirl]

That was a brilliant outcome, Michelle! So happy that your conversation took you in that direction. It was a huge step for your daughter and yourself. Hugs, Kelly

[Anne Blake]

Michelle,

I know that what you are going through is really really tough and far from the picture that you had for you and your family's future. But, in spite of that, you sure are making a bad situation work. Your story of making headway with your youngest is a big bucket of joy that you are passing on to the rest of us. Thank you for sharing your progress and please keep the stories coming.

Anne