Looking to my sisters for advise,
Lately I have been feeling as well as can be expected in a home where I recently came out to my wife 60 days ago and am waiting for my estrogen to arrive in the mail. Was working through things internally wondering what the future held.
In January before I was out to anyone I attended a large family get together and left there feeling horrible. How was I ever going to tell all of these people that the person they have known for 50 years was not what they thought. And how was dressing different going to take away these crap feelings I was having.
Yesterday was another family event because of a wedding. In the days leading up to it my anxiety was going up tremendously. Due to many reasons. This is the first time my wife would be around extended family since my coming out. We have made plans for selling our home this summer and moving to somewhere more conducive to "good friends" living together as two women. Whatever that is?? None of this has been shared with family. Also in this time I read of one of our online friends planning to dress in her female form for her wife for the first time and that really hit me. I just hadn't pictured that in my head yet, my wife, then all of my family seeing me that way. Just wasn't ready for that scene and its associated feelings. I was a moody depressed whatever for days leading up to this event. I sat there feeling like a total failure in marriage watching this whole event. I cried all the way through but for different reasons than those around me.
I really didn't have the emotional energy to deal with many people. As I looked back at the day I only conversed with women except my gay brother and his husband. I found the women to be very chatty, like I was giving off a aura or something. If a husband came by they only lasted a minute or so and on their way. I should have enjoyed it but I wanted to just run away.
I moved my family back to my home state about six years ago so my kids could be around extended family and I could spend time with my dad in his final years. At every family event I am all tensed up and feeling like a fraud or something. Just not comfortable at all. My wife senses it and she is off too because she's not sure what is wrong with me.
I get so twisted inside and majorly depressed and just want to be done with life. I have felt that transitioning would alleviate problems but lately it feels like you just trade one set of problems in for another. I sat there yesterday wondering how dressing like a woman would make me feel better and couldn't answer it. I look forward to getting my HRT started and then realize life goes on as you wait on the effects. You need to deal with this emotional crap day in and day out.
I guess it would be hard enough to figure this way of living out but then you have to deal with all the nut jobs that are trans deniers etc. They just compound issues. Nothing seems to just be dealt with as it is. Everything gets hyped up and taken to the extreme. It all gets converted to ugly talking points and plastered on the airwaves with average folks never understanding what is really happening. So disappointing that this is the best society can do.
As I wrestle the depression and anxiety I realize how it has affected my entire life and has impacted my marriage and how I parented my kids, and not in a good way. Since coming to realize what my "problem" has been and sharing it with a few people I feel very unsure of myself. Like I totally do not understand the male/female dynamic as it should be. I was never going to be the man I was trying my hardest to be and I will never be a full woman either. As some have shared, if there is pain on both sides, why go through the extra pain of transitioning?
Sorry for the depressive rant but I wondered if others have ever dealt with similar feelings of any sort and found a way through.
