What is the best way to ask someone in a bar if they are pre or post op?

[dearlybeloved]

In a delicate fashion as to not offend. Or is it better to just come out with it?

[Tessa James]

In a bar, seriously?  Getting to know someone a bit before sexual intimacies occur does seem like a good idea.  Maybe knowing more about their heart than their parts is left for the romantic sorts?

If explicitly sexual goals are the prime mover then I guess your creativity is going to be tested and your risks for causing offense well earned.

[Kendra]

Someone did ask me that question unprompted and I didn't answer - I respond by asking if they are circumcised.  They seemed startled and changed the subject.

[Cimara]

That question is inappropriate unless you are getting ready to have sex with someone. If someone ever asked me that I would tell them to bugger off, no matter who it was.

[Dani]

Send a text message. 

No, seriously, my or anyone else's medical history is nobody's business, at least until we get into a very personal relationship. Then it is time to be open and honest.

[Cimara]

" send a text message "  Lol 😂

[Cimara]

Or you could do it like one jackass did to me. I was having dinner with a guy and I quietly told him I was trans. His response:  OMG, DO YOU STILL HAVE A DICK??  Everyone in the restaurant knew I was trans after that. And no, there was no second date.

[Dena]

It is an unwritten rule that somebody who is trans never ask if another is trans. It might be taken as they don't pass effectively and that can hurt. For somebody who is CIS, you shouldn't ask unless the relationship has reached the point were you are considering sex. It is possible this approach could backfire when used with CIS woman as you would deserve the slap on the face you would most likely receive.

[Laurie]

You don't if you know what is good for you...

Laurie

[Dani]

you shouldn't ask unless the relationship has reached the point were you are considering sex.

When your relationship is at that point, it is appropriate to ask general health questions, such as "Any history of STD?" or "How many children do you want?" or even "What are your previous sexual experiences?" and of course there is the catch all question "Is there anything else I need to know?"

[Devlyn]

You don't. If you get home later and find something you don't like you say "Oh, hey, I really don't care for penises but we can do other stuff."   

Hugs, Devlyn

[Lady Sarah]

Imagine how a cis woman would respond to someone asking if she has a penis. It is never appropriate to ask a question like that in public.

[bubbles21]

You don't, especially in a bar where alcohol is involved lol that could go completely left very quick.

[TinaVane]

Um



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[Jenna Marie]

Don't.

Well, unless you ask everyone you meet in that bar, trans or cis, for details about what's in their pants. In which case, you're likely not going to be popular, but at least you'll be an equal-opportunity offender.

[100miles]

It really depends your intention

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[elkie-t]

In a delicate fashion as to not offend. Or is it better to just come out with it?

Ask her out and you'll find. If she's interested in you

[EnbyGuy]

I'd say that even if the question wasn't in a bar/was asked later, it's still pretty offensive, unless the person has indicated to you that they want to talk about/intend to do certain types of medical transition.  "pre" and "post" op imply that there is a single operation that is necessary to successfully "complete" transition, and that if someone is trans-identified, that is 100% what they will do.

Some people want to change their genitals, and some people don't, some people experience genital dysphoria, and some people don't, some people can afford surgeries, and some people can't, some people who desire surgeries are healthy enough to have them, and some people aren't.  By asking that question in the way you've posed it, you're reducing the life and desirability of a trans person down to the most visible Oprah-style basic/invasive question that every stranger wants to know. 

A better thing to do might be picking up an educational book on having sex with transgender people (there's several pretty good ones that can help you learn how to ask people respectful questions about how to talk about and engage with their body, and understand the different ways that bodies work, including things you may want to know about the effects of different kinds of medical transition, etc), and learn to be comfortable or at least respectful of the complexity and wonderful variety of human bodies that can go with any particular gender identity. 

[Julia1996]

I really hate that question and don't think someone needs to ask me that unless we are getting ready to have sex. I don't like it no matter how it's worded but I really hate when a guy says "do you still have your dick? "  If a guy has to ask I prefer " have you had the surgery?" Maybe I'm weird but I HATE having someone call it a "dick" .  It might be silly but I can't help it. It makes my skin crawl to hear it called that in reference to me. It didnt really bother me before transition but it does now. Unfortunately guys my age aren't good at asking things delicately.

[elkie-t]

I think the wrong part here is talking in terms of that specific person before having intimacy is agreed by the girl. Unless that is agreed, the man has no business to know at all, and asking the question is akin to ask may I see you naked to any girl before even a first date.

However, I understand the guy. He might feel attracted to a girl but don't want to invest his time, effort, emotions and money to pursue that intimacy if he expects the end result is out of reach entirely.

So maybe speak not of the lady, but of yourself instead? I wouldn't take it too offensive if the guy would indicate his unwillingness to deal with any penises but his s own, or that he really only likes vaginal sex at some point in time during the bar chat, before asking if she would be interested to go on a date with him. I'd think the lady would take the hint and either disclose or just turn the offer down if she isn't interested in such guy or cannot be a good partner for him for any reason without disclosing her personal medical information.


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