Drawn to transition

[2.B.Dana]

Greetings,

I am basically at one month of HRT and have been out to my wife since Feb 10 this year.  When I came to the realization last fall that I was trans I would look at ladies who went full time and I knew inside that was me. But having a hard time owning that thought.

My wife believes I need to but doesn't think she has the courage to hang around and watch my physical appearance change. I knew that was always the likely result but was really hoping it would not go that way. For quite awhile I thought I could do male at work etc but trying to be female while appearing enough male is fatiguing.

I try very hard to talk myself out of all this and that is a quick route to a slide into the depression ditch. If I begin thinking about where I am in the process and what's coming up I get bouyant again and happy. I read one woman's article and she said if you weren't scared sh*tl*ss about transitioning then you hadn't thought it through well enough. I do get a bit frazzled thinking to far down the road and try to focus on the short term.

Dysphoria can seem so sneaky at times. It's easy to think it's not so bad when everything is going well in my head. It seems that each individual issue in my head seems small but collectively they overwhelm me. I don't think I could give someone a succinct reason while I feel like I need to transition, I feel compelled or drawn to it. To the life I imagine from a female perspective.

It seems at times to me that the ladies who have successfully transitioned have a certain edge to them and their relationship to being trans. Maybe a "they own it" attitude which I lack at this point. I would imagine the struggle of it all brings that out along the way but I'm not sure.

I don't seem to share some of the strong ideas that many profess but feel this is the road I must travel. I may be babbling in trying to describe this all but wonder if any ladies out there can relate?

[KathyLauren]

From the perspective of being a month and a half full-time, I can totally relate.  I still get my WFT moments frequently, when I wonder if transition is crazy and maybe life would be simpler if I had just tried to stay male.  But I have learned to come to my senses quickly.

I remind myself of what is real.  The insistence of the urge to cross-dress was real.  Knowing that it would never go away is real.  The feeling of wearing a disguise, both physical and emotional, when I dressed male was real.  The feeling of joy when I go out dressed as me and looking beautiful (okay, I'm  bit biased) is real.  Life being simpler when I pretended to be male was not real.

I try very hard to talk myself out of all this and that is a quick route to a slide into the depression ditch. If I begin thinking about where I am in the process and what's coming up I get bouyant again and happy. I read one woman's article and she said if you weren't scared sh*tl*ss about transitioning then you hadn't thought it through well enough.

You have summed it up very well.

When I started on this road, I was told to "follow the joy".  At the time, I had no idea how to do that, having never experienced any.  But now I know what joy feels like, and I feel it when I get to be myself every day.

[AlyssaJ]

Dana, this post is so similar to how I've felt that I could have sworn I wrote it.   Your observation about the "owning it" attitude is very interesting to me.  I feel like I've kind of started to develop that edge.  While many of our sisters are very focused on being as "passable" as possible and being undetected, I know that I can't pull that off yet.  Not only am I ok with that, I kind of relish it at times.  For instance today going to Pride Fest I wore a "This is what TRANS looks like" shirt.  Of course at pride this is no big deal, but before heading down there, I very much enjoyed stopping for lunch at a fast food place and going to a couple stores with that shirt.  Despite knowing the potential safety risks, I'll admit I do sometimes like putting it in people's faces.

I guess this is how I read that "edge" you're talking about.  Sure we all want to be perceived as a woman whenever we go out but to have the attitude of I'm OK even if I do get clocked, I think helps make transition that much easier to handle.