Life's catch 22 again

[josie76]

Just a life update,

The kids are pretty settled into their new school here. My oldest no longer says she feels embarrassed about me. That is a huge relief right now.

My wife on the other hand I'm not always certain of. I mean I am kinda forcing her to be a lesbian. We went to the local Dollar General last night. My leg was hurting bad by the end of our once around the store. In the checkout line she rubbed my arm because she saw me hurting then kinda backed off. In the car she said she didn't know how people saw me and wasn't to sure about appearing as a lesbian couple in public. The clerk was nice and told us "you two have a nice evening". Seemed like she saw us and had no trouble with it. IDK. My wife has a out lesbian in her class at college here. We are also just a town away from a state University. Just leaves me wondering if we can ever settle into being just us again.

On the medical front: it's been nearly 8 weeks since I got hurt. Despite having seen a couple of doctors, 2trips to the ER for the pain, having a number of X-rays and an MRI, I have had no actual treatment aside fro physical therapy which every time they try to advance it only leaves me debilitated for days afterward. I've seen the spinal rehabilitation doctor twice. He requested to give me an epidural steroid injection shot, an orthopedic doctor and surgeon twice, my first actual doctor I was allowed to see after being injured and having to get a lawyer involved, and as of today the workers comp insurance has not yet approved a ESI shot. Both doctors prescribed some meds. The orthopedic doctor gave me an oral steroid and the rehab doctor upped my dose of gabapentin, a nerve mulling medicine, to the max, 2700 mg per day.

Still waiting for some relief. Uuhgggg.

[Kendra]

I think your wife showing compassion for your physical pain is a very strong signal.  When she pulled back, that just means she is still getting used to priorities and figuring out whether arbitrary social expectations are more important than love, your relationship and family.  The answer will take time for her, just as your oldest child is now much more accepting than before.  Heading the right way.

[josie76]

Feeling a bit better. That high dose of gabapentin(2700mg day) must be doing its thing. The numbness in my foot is less and the leg pain drops when I'm not standing or walking. On the negative side, it affects all nerves in the body so I'm a bit clumsy and off balance now. I slept on my side on the couch last night! Like actually laying down! You have no idea what a perk that feels like right about now. My lawyer called to tell me the work comp insurance adjuster said he faxed an approval for the ESI shot to the doctors office. Still waiting for an appointment time to get it done. I hope hope hope this will reduce the disc swelling. I go see the work comp required second orthopedic surgeon for a third opinion tomorrow. Funny how I have a diagnosis by one ortho doctor with the MRI to prove it. This doctor did his fellowship in orthopedic surgery at John Hopkins. And I have a clinical based diagnosis from the spinal rehabilitation docotor. That exam was not fun at all! But now the insurance company needs another doctor's diagnosis. Getting old right about now.

Life events, more cheery I promise. 

So the last few weeks I pick up the kids from school by waiting until most parents have left and pulling up to the edge of the playground. I don't/can't get out and walk up to the teachers to collect my kids because of the pain. Simply can't walk that much. Well yesterday I forgot it was an early dismissal for a teacher conference. So my kids got to play with the other latchkey kids. They enjoyed it. I knew I had made a mistake when I rounded the corner and saw almost now cars on the street or parking lot at 3 when the kids normally get out. 

So I pull up next to the playground and get out knowing I'll have to sign them out. I saw my oldest and asked her to collect her sister. I sat on a gaurd rail to relieve my leg. My oldest went and told one of the after school teachers AIDS that her "dad" is here. She looked around a bit so I had to raise my hand so she knew who I was.  The teacher aid told me I needed to go inside and sign them out. This involves a short stair down and walking down a hall to the cafeteria. As we were walking she said a lot of parents seemed to forget the early dismissal today. Well at least I wasn't the only one.  So while I'm signing mine out, a dad of another little girl was talking just a bit with the teachers aid. His kid said she had to go to the bathroom. As she headed toward the hall the teacher aid said the one close was the boys room and she needed to go down the hall. About then the dad says, "Yeah you don't want to go into the wrong....". He stopped right there I suppose due to my presence in the room. Did I mention this is a Catholic Church school. Kinda funny. I heard it all but never looked up from what I was doing which was looking for my kids names on the sign out sheet. I would say everyone at the church knows about me for sure now. I guess that's a good thing. I can't hide my boobs under two shirts anymore. 

[josie76]

Yesterday was my 41st birthday. Just about a week shy of a year since coming to terms with myself and being open with my family about it. It seems so long ago already. Life continues at its normal slow pace.

Medically I received a spine epidural steroid shot. That was nearly two weeks ago. They said I should have some relief by now on the herniated disc. I'm not sure that it has helped. My foot is still numb and I still require that high dose of nerve surpressent to function. I gained a sharp pain in my back from the injection site to partly down the nerve toward my leg. So technically it is a bit worse than before.

Mentally I'm fatuiged. A week ago my wife and I had some disagreement. She doesn't like me telling her about talking with other women. Kinda reminds me of earlier in our relationship. Sometimes it seemed like she needed to control my time and I found it hard to visit with my family. She says she doesn't want to limit me. We talked about a breakup again. Ok maybe some yelling, some insults mostly headed my way. She told me she thought all of our oldest daughters anger was because of loosing her dad. She started on the, I lied from the beginning and I killed her husband thing. It's not been easy just keeping the peace. Right now things are calm but this weekend similar things came up just more cool headed. Right now I have to stay here at her apartment. My current rehabilitation is here for my injury. I am responsible for the kids getting to school and picking them up while she is in school. I have to be the homework helper and at times the cook. Even if , I have to stay here for them. There are plenty of times I wished I could be back home in the house we built and not here.

At least the kids seem to be doing well.

[Kendra]

> At least the kids seem to be doing well.

That's very important.  All the pain and distractions are not good, but kids form impressions for the long haul and you are doing consistently great in that department. 

[josie76]

Yes you are very right Kendra.

Had a good day today. I went with my wife and mother in law to this little local place that serves free lunch. It's a charity thing with an attached thrift store. The nice thing was I wore a bit of makeup and my hair up in a ponytail. As we walked through we were treated to good afternoon ladies. That was nice. I think I mostly passed with just a few questioning looks. The older lady that brought us food later kept away from me when she picked up dishes but I think my voice is what gave me away.

[Kendra]

You look great in your updated avatar!

Yeah my voice gets in my way.  I have been working on it and wow this ain't easy.  I'm finding voice is like learning the basics of a new language - I have to do all the work.  At least with electrolysis I don't have to do anything but try to not kick or bite.

[josie76]

Thanks Kendra. I know I'm likely my worst critic. lol

Well I just did it. The big one. I outed myself on Facebook. There is no hiding in my old life blankets anymore. Everyone from old work and business associates in three states know by the end of the day. The rumor mills will be turning overtime.

I'll be going to my 4th laser next week. The dark hairs are really thinning now.

[Megan.]

Thanks Kendra. I know I'm likely my worst critic. lol

Well I just did it. The big one. I outed myself on Facebook. There is no hiding in my old life blankets anymore. Everyone from old work and business associates in three states know by the end of the day. The rumor mills will be turning overtime.

I'll be going to my 4th laser next week. The dark hairs are really thinning now.

Wow! Happy for you. I do hope you have positive reactions. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi Josie,

  I wouldn't worry too much about the FB coming out. For me it was anticlimactic. Those who expressed support and those that have faded away no real negative feedback at all. Most were supportive. The one that did let me know she and her husband  could not accept me as Laurie did hurt some as I have been friends with them through a lot of crap including my divorce and the aftermath of it and a couple of other  bad happenings. I crashed and went through the worst 2 years of my life then including being suicidal. I have know them for almost 40 years.
  Other than that  no one except my daughter and SIL has said a negative things about me post FB reveal. You are likely to experience something similar. I deactivated my FB account a couple weeks ago not from FB issues by in a bit of depression stinking thinking. I've been thinking of reactivating it again only because my deactivating it has caused my friends to become concerned for me. I have always disliked FB but you cannot beat it for keeping in touch with friends. I have lots of friends and support here on Susan's but I do feel I've been neglecting those on FB. Sometime you can't win for losing.
  Anyway, Josie, I hope you actions there are a complete non-issue.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[josie76]

Thankfully my social media coming out was just anti-climactic. One old work customer said it was really brave putting myself out there and he would not let this change our friendship. That was great to see. Another gave me a thumbs up. So far I haven't seen anyone disappear from my friends list. I actually did expect some to leave when they do see it. As of this morning, even the Baptist minister at the southern tip of the state is still there and he was active yesterday.

I think it was not a complete surprise by this point. In the last year I have added a dozen or so very openly trans friends. Most are part of the local support group. Anyway Yesterday in that posting I told a bunch of my hometown church and old high school friends about my true self. I think the rumors started last winter when I wore nail polish a number of times while going through the McDonald's drive through. At least one lady from the church liked my post and comments. So now everyone is going to know for certain. It'll be interesting to see how that develops. We only drive home on the weekends right now so not likely I'll see anyone but family anytime soon. And they all knew and were supportive except perhaps my uncle. But his wife and my cousins don't seem to have any issues. The older of my cousins did the first family get together. I wasn't openly being me then but his younger brother had told him. The next get together he was fine with me, back to normal.

[Laurie]

Hey Josie,

  I'm glad to read that your big reveal was a bust reaction wise. In my book that is a very good thing. Keep the light burning on your dreams and take another step toward your goal.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Alteredreality]

I'd like to make a preemptive defense on the continuing saga of my character assassination.

I am Josie's wife. I come to this forum from time to time to look at the significant others thread. Admittedly, I am digging a bit deep here and this is a violation of my wifes privacy. I sensed that my wife's perception of me was low and needed to see proof.

Why, because ending a relationship you didn't want to lose is excruciatingly hard. In my case, neither staying married nor divorcing is a good solution. I too am stuck in my own catch 22. Losing the dreams I had of growing old with my best friend and lover has been agonizing.

But I digress.

I am bi polar, I do have bad relationship habits. Heck, I even have an extra helping of character flaws. Yes, we have had a helter skelter type of love. I'm not going to debate Josie's perceptions. Even if I disagree they are her truths and they are valid. What I would like to do is illustrate that there is always another side.
When it is all said and done I want my story told too. This is my final chapter in Josie's story and I want her to not just listen with disdain but finally HEAR me.

Josie,

First and foremost, I knew from before we were engaged that your farm and blood relations would always come before me and that IF I were dumb enough to expect a choice I would lose. Rest assured that any ultimatum you perceived was a MISperception. I never forgot my place.

My hope for your leap from the familiar nest was about growth. You expressed you could never be free from social anxiety in such a cloistered community. You knew in your heart that your future would be elsewhere. Clearly, I was misguided but I thought I was helping. I wasn't. Duly noted.

The first five years of our relationship had to rigidly conform to the agricultural lifestyle. You know very well that you did countless 16 and 18 hour days, 6 days a week. I am deeply grateful for your sacrifice and appreciate it all. However, it was not conducive to a fulfilling private life. At first the waking up at five every morning to make a hot breakfast was romantic. Eventually though, I got lonely.

I learned to accept all the customer calls in the evenings and weekends. I learned to be happy about all of our vacations (including honeymoon and anniversary's) being done during work training seminars that left me alone in a hotel room. I started to enjoy tagging along for after hour jobs that forced you to cancel dates. I learned to manage with dates being a trip to the farm store then grocery store and $1 menu burgers, for a couple hours.
You had two full time jobs and it sucked for us both.

The second five years was marked by starting the business and the software development process. I'm not going to open that Pandora's box. Suffice it to say that the entire endeavor was brutal and essentially turned into 3 jobs. I don't want to rehash it. The business was a grenade that caused collateral damage to us both.

My deepest wounds were with intimacy. Early on we were like rabbits. I didn't hear a single complaint the single week we went at it 10 times when we lived in the "ghetto". I didn't hear a single complaint for

[Alteredreality]

the first couple years of blow job week. (my period) Likewise, you never minded the hundreds of pre work quickies that I didn't really benefit from other than seeing you smile. Thank you for letting me know that you disliked it all in HINDSIGHT. I can't go back an uncoerce you, can I?

After the ill-fated vasectomy it fell off. Sex became a chore for you. You stopped kissing me romantically. I felt guilty just asking to be intimate. Then I started being scared. Why? Because my explorations were suddenly distasteful. You made no effort to hide the grimace on your face when I would talk dirty to you about what I wanted later as I was at the door sending you to work.

I got shot down on a regular basis with the added cringes. I'm sorry but wanting anal sex and light bondage is not scandalous. It's actually quite tame. Over time your lack of interest and obvious offense was a catalyst in my quickly declining self-esteem.

In hindsight we now realize that a lot of our misunderstandings were based on gender roles and expectations. While you knew almost immediately that your hormones plummeted and that you had gynecomastia the full breadth of it wasn't clear to me until you came out.

I understand why you needed to come out and no matter how much hurt I have felt I wouldn't take it back for anything. You are truly the love of my life. I recognized what your ramblings were and was the first person that recognized your correct gender. My immediate response was mixed. I was deeply saddened by the suffering you had endured being forced into a male role.

Then, I was thrilled that you purged yourself of the secrecy and veils. I ran wild through our room and from my own things, I assembled a metric ton of makeup and clothing for you to enjoy. That night I SUGGESTED counseling and group therapy.

Starting the next day until now, a year later I have spent the majority of my meager after bill money showering you with every kind of gift possible, sometimes even a few times a week. A wardrobe three times as large as mine. (you ordered some bras and tanks?) You have shoeS, jewelry, a makeup kit that eclipses mine, roses, cards, candy and tons of other tokens of affection. You are spoiled beyond words.

That does not even take into account how much I worship you with compliments, spontaneous prose and (unnatural to me) seduction as a male would, which CLEARLY you enjoy thoroughly. You recognized how amazing it felt and understanding why I had needed it for so long too. Even as a woman I know how to be the masculine lover you need. I get nothing from it except for seeing the pleasure in your eyes and hearing gasps escape your lips. It brings me joy to satisfy your needs even though it's not a turn on for me. See how that works...

You have no right to minimize the pain I feel of my husband dying. I can't look at pictures of him without breaking down completely. I have forced myself bot to think about him anymore because I know I wouldn't be able to function. You may be surprised to know that a lot of my anger and inappropriate behavior is a result of chewing back the bile of my loss for a year. Sometimes, in spite of Herculean effort my pot doth boil over.

This entire year was singularly wrapped around you and your transition. Due to your anxiety I was never fully able to process my own emotions. I had to be strong because you were so utterly lost. Please don't insult me by denying it. I may not have been a super spouse but I fought one hell of a battle FOR you this year. I sat aside my needs (because it is kind of a big event) to support you.

[Alteredreality]

You didn't even have the guise of discussing your transition. I knew with absolute confidence that you would take the road to the end and I accepted it. It was a big change, I needed time to process and compassion. I got neither. Within 6 weeks you were on hormones and 100% for GCS. Obviously it was never my choice to make but just being able to express my concerns and work through the process as a couple would have gone a long way. 

Clearly that was not the case. I was made a spectator in my own life gone out of control. Adding insult to injury, you had to tell me that I just couldn't understand. It's as if your own pain was greater than my own, it's resolution more critical. Even though you would have ultimately been the star of the show I would have liked to have been invited to the reading of the script.

I absolutely encouraged and even insisted that you seek out other trans people to interact with. I'm not jealous of you having friends. I may be many bad things but petty is not one of them. What I feel threatened by is not many hours you spend in forums. It's the private message relationships you share that contrary to your opinion are intimate. While we have had difficulty communicating you are finding a great deal of solace, in two trans girls in particular. Ones you constantly talk about.

You USED to brag about me like that. I'm not blind, I'm not stupid. Your denial does not negate the gravity of the situation.

My entire life, my plans for the next few decades, my memories of a man whom never existed were washed away in the tornado of your happiness. Although bittersweet, this past year has been a year of steps forward and growth for you. As for myself, it's been a year of picking up pieces, questioning reality and what the very foundation of our relationship was based on.

Josie is nothing like my husband was. I have been doing my best to love the person on the inside but it has been a struggle like an arranged marriage. Every celebratory moment for you marks one more small part of my dear sweet husband eroding away like a cancer in my soul.

Yes, I am an angry, crazy bitch. I accept that and am fine with it. I'm also one hell of a woman, even at my worst you have been lucky to have me. Remember that the next time your truth seeps out and you speak poorly of me. At least do me the justice of balancing it with MY truth.

It is finally clear to me now, no amount of love or hope can change the irreparable damage we sustained. Not because of gender issues. I don't even know you, apparently, I never did. Please don't keep dropping your tears and anxiety. Exercise some compassion and recognize that this life altering transformation wasn't my choice.

I'm very happy Josie has this support community. I will let myself out so she can continue to dwell here without worry. Thank you all so much for being there for her and easing such a chaotic process.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place Alteredreality. We understand that there are two  sides to every story and it's very difficult for a SO to deal with the problems that result from coming out. In addition, no marriage is perfect over the long term so there will be additional issues that need to be dealt with. Our hope is in the future you find a way to remain together or if that's not possible, you remain friends. The SO area is available to you if you would like to discuss this with others who face the same difficulty and our member are aware that you have needs that need to be satisfied as well. If there is anything we can help you with, let us know.

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[josie76]

I haven't added to this journal of my life and feelings for a while due to the obvious. I would hope that even in my posts spilling my feelings of frustration that I at least tried to say I made an effort to understand my SO's feelings. All relationships are hard. Ours has be a state of of again on again turmoil for a very long time. Habits and expectations formed over years of mutual reactions are not unreal feelings. These have to be worked through or around to move forward. We both have bad habits. My worst one was the way I locked up my emotions. She expected me to have none and so she acted on such assumptions. I know I seem different now. My movements and mannerisms are no longer stoic. They are freely expressed as are my emotions. You used to only see hurt in my eyes if it was already so much deeper than you could imagine. Now my face and actions show my feelings so much clearer and immediately. Inside I'm the same person. My thoughts and feelings never changed, only my freedom to express them. I am sorry that whatever you thought I was doesn't match the reality. I was a stone statue before. I'm so sorry that is what you expected me to remain. You know I just could not do that anymore.

I don't know if she will come back to this thread and read this or not. Things go up and they go down. This is very hard for both of us to work through. Today we are at least OK. That is all I can ask for.

[Kendra]

We are human and my own journey has reminded me of this.  I wish the best for all of us, and Josie your situation although challenging is inspiring as you are both centered around successfully caring for your children. 

You must care for yourself in order to be able to provide care for others. 

I spent several decades as an actor - not as a career, but acting in life until I decided to get real.  I have found each step in the real world isn't always easy but it's the right one.

[josie76]

Things fail to move much here in the middle of the southern part of the state. Let's see, medically my orthopedic doctor is now requesting to actually perform surgery to cut out the herniated part of my discs on the two lowest ones. Assuming the work comp insurance allows it I might just finally get rid of this compressed nerve pain sometime soonish. What I'm not looking forward to is the 6weeks of little movement after the surgery before I could start physical therapy again. I mean, it has taken 3-1/2 months of physical therapy just to be able to stand upright and walk without a limp for a very short time. The pain is not gone. Standing up straight is now a small pinch feeling where before it was outright pain. Over the last months of being so sedentary I have already gained 20lbs. I am now 50lbs over my original weight loss goal of 170lbs. Not a happy camper about that. My muscles are so weak that now that physical therapy can get me to lift my leg while laying flat or on my side, I find them both extremely heavy. Crazy right!

I was disappointed with our farm ground this year. We were sharing it with my mom and my grandparents. Since I was hurt a lot could not get done. A friend came over and harvested it for us all. There won't be any left once the bills are paid and I pay my grandparents back for borrowed money. That kinda really sucks. I kept hoping the farm would make just enough that I could afford an orchidectomy. Not going to happen. Heck right now I can't even save the $300 needed for another laser treatment on my facial hair. Really depressing short term and long term goals this year. Then my work comp insurance keeps playing games. My insurance checks keep coming later and later in the following week now. At first they arrived the Friday I was to be paid. Kinda makes paying your bills that much harder.

I got my endo to increase my estradiol by another 50%. I'd like to see just where my E, P, and T are at now. I'm going to try to back of Spironolactone. I asked my endo about alternatives like Bicalutamide but he said he has never prescribed it, so no.
Still fighting this seemingly dry cough that never ends. Local doctor took me off lisinopril as she said it can cause such an irritation cough. Have to watch my blood pressure if I lower spiro dose to half my current.
I asked my main doctor about getting an AR gene test. He said not worth it even though he too is interested to know if I have a form of mild AIS. He said since the medical treatment would be the hormone therapy I already get that there was no medical need for the blood test. Makes sense just something I really did want to know. There are now over 600 AR mutations in the database.

In general the kids are doing well. My SO and I have been doing well also recently. I hope it continues.
I suppose that's it for now.

[Laurie]

Hi Josie,

  Well at least the last part was good. I hope to see more good things happening for you soon.