Life's catch 22 again

[josie76]

Hey everyone or anyone who might be reading my life here. It's been nearly two weeks since I had back surgery. My spine is healing alright. Not much pain. I quit taking oxycodone after the first 5 days. Wow it's like almost everything that happened when I was on it is gone from my memory. I still have weakness in my right leg. My toes are still numb with the top of my foot being hyper sensitive. I was overly optimistic on how fast that might change. I saw my spinal rehab Doctor yesterday. He said nerves regenerate at one inch per month and that's if I can quit taking the gabapentin. That's the nerve suppressant that made life possible the last 6 months. Unfortunately it also slows neuron growth and repair. He said I might have recovery in 12-18 months, or maybe never. That part sucks to hear. If the leg pain stays low or gone then it will be a success.
Not sure all what the surgeon did inside my spine. I know he trimmed disc herniations off of both the L4-L5 and the L5-S1 levels. He also may have trimmed the bone around the nerve exits and cut off some calcium spurs. Aside from the herniated discs I had badly damaged facet joints in those levels.

My marriage appears to be done. I think I'm finally accepting that. We're stuck with each other because of the kids but I am the focus of so much anger. I am not currently feeling viserated but I certainly have been at times these last couple of weeks.

[Kendra]

> My spine is healing alright. Not much pain. I quit taking oxycodone after the first 5 days.

alrea
Wow Josie, this is huge great news!  I am so glad your surgery has had this much effect so quickly.  And yeah a bittersweet victory with what you face at home but you have a solid connection with your kids and love and that is so important. 

[josie76]

Relationships, these are hard. When I last wrote my spouse wanted more space. She wanted me to leave and go back to our farm house. I had already been sleeping on my kids bottom bunk for some time. I think it took me three weeks to finally process the idea that the person I want does not want me in the same way anymore. Then things got worse. We had several fights. One abut the "child car plan" she wrote up one morning that she wanted to put in a divorce filing. She wanted me to move out completely. I did. I moved all my stuff and clothes back to the farm house that weekend. I had a very hard time even though my kids came with me. I don't know if it was harder on me to do what every instinct in my head said not to. That is to leave my kids. Or the night trying to explain to the kids what was going on. I could not help but be in tears that night. I took the kids back Sunday and stayed overnight driving back to the farm on Monday. Wednesday evening my youngest called up in tears asking me to come back. My wife said it was ok. She said she thought about things and wanted to try to give us a chance again. Today we are at least friends again. I don't know if we can be more. We both have hurts and things are difficult. She said she feels lonely in a way with me. I guess I sort of understand. Being around each other in a relationship seems like constant work. Its like even after all of 11 years, we cant seem to just be relaxed and ourselves around the other all the way. Honestly I don't know what is happening one day to the next in life. Everything seems so up in the air. I have no job. I'm trying to figure out if after I finish physical therapy how quickly will I need to find a job so I can pay the bills. Can I manage school so I can get a degree to make me hireable. I suppose I was lucky that my back finally gave out while on the job.

Physically I'm still a couple of weeks away from starting physical therapy. I don't have much pain in my spine but the nerves are damaged to my leg and foot. The weakness is still present. If I don't take the gabapentin I get pain in my lower leg/ankle and throbbing in my toes. The numbness and hypersensitive area on the top of my foot has not changed any. Maybe someday I will have my normal feeling back. I can make it through Walmart without having to start limping at least most of the time.

I did file for a legal name change. I have a court date in early May. Illinois changed the law on the first of Jan. Bottom surgery is not required for a gender marker change. Now just a licenced therapist or medical doctor can sign that the person is undergoing treatment for that purpose. Since I have been on hormones over a year, my therapist signed the form as soon as I asked. Now when the court grants my name change, I can file with the state to corrected birth certificate issued. The state seals the original record and updates the local county courthouse records. After 41 years I will be able to fix that mistake some doctor made when I was born!

[josie76]

Well just a small life update.

Relationship wise, we still bounce back and forth.

Medical, well I still have nerve damage but generally I can walk normal without a limp.

Family: Easter was "interesting". So of my local family my mom's brother is the only negative person about me. He has made comments to my grandma. Grandpa doesn't really know what's going on with me. He's hard of hearing and sleeps half the day these days. Grandpa has seen my hair grow out and my ears be pierced. Except for a few questioning looks he hasn't said anything. Of course up until now I could use layers and sweatshirts to cover my development. That will change soon enough with the weather. So to se the Easter at my aunt and uncle's scene, I expected that we were not invited because of my uncle. A week or so before however my aunt and uncle were at grandma's house and my aunt insisted that it was her house and my uncle would just have to deal with it. So we went. Myself, my wife, and our kids. Overall it was decent enough. My cousins (both men) have no problem sitting and talking with me, neither does the older one's wife. The kids all got to hunt eggs and play and the weather while cold was pretty decent for them to run around outside for a big part of the afternoon. My older brother and his husband (yes another LGBT in the family) were there. Everyone was having a decent day. I avoided sitting near my uncle and he apparently avoided any room I was in.  My aunt talked to me for a short time, while she was starting to clean up the kitchen. She asked about my back surgery and how I was doing. Then suddenly she stopped talking to me. I think my uncle was shooting her a look at that point.    Anyway I did get another questioning look from Grandpa as they were leaving as I had put my hair up in a ponytail and that was the first I think he had seen me that way. I waved to him and he mumbled my name. I think with my hair back I look A LOT like my mom and that is confusing him. After he and grandma left I finally got to take my zipper hoody off. I'm still trying to hide my boobs from grandpa. I don't want to completely mess him up. These days he is in his head telling himself completely new stories made from memories of people he knew that never occurred. Anyway it was good to visit and laugh with my family. Laughing is something I didn't use to do often. My uncle made it a bit uncomfortable but somehow I think he was way more uncomfortable than I was. IDK

[Charlie Nicki]

Hey Josie,

Sorry about your relationship, but I'm glad you guys are still trying to figure it out. Hugs to you!!

[josie76]

Hey Josie,

Sorry about your relationship, but I'm glad you guys are still trying to figure it out. Hugs to you!!

Thankyou HUGS

[josie76]

I'll get the bad stuff over with, Relationships, ehh, up and down. together, apart, trying to be coparents and at least friends. If things don't go terribly wrong in the next few weeks though, she is going with me to a dance.

The dance: let me start by saying I NEVER went to any dance in school. This dance is put on by the St. Louis group MTUG (Metro-trans Umbrella Group). This one coming up is a trans-queer prom.
Soooo I'm a bit excited. I ordered a dress. I need to go buy a pair of shoes to match still. Its an all black A cut midi-dress. I hope I look a quarter as good in it as the model does. 

dress1 by Josie H, on Flickr

The following week I have my yearly appointment with my endocrinologist and later that week my court date. Yes but a GOOD court date! After that day I will legally be Josephine instead of (place dead name here)! 
Then I will submit that order and my gender change certificate signed by my therapist to the state Dept of Vital Records. Illinois turns out to be one of the best states for trans-rights. Beginning 2018 it is no longer required to complete surgery to get legally changed gender. You just need to get signed off by your therapist and or medical professional treating you that you have undergone correct medical transition. The state will send me back a certified birth certificate with my new name and showing FEMALE on it!!!!!!! The original record becomes sealed.

Then the work begins. Driver's licence needs changed and my picture updated (still has old me with a beard). I have a CDL so a certified birth cert is required to renew it. Then Social Security, then my passport. I will want to send updated info to all my bank and medical providers. OK maybe I'm getting a bit excited by this! 

Starting to feel happy.

[josie76]

I totally forgot to mention also that I am suddenly finding myself apparently starting to casually pass much of the time. Now my voice is aweful, but just going grocery shopping or to Walmart I no longer see people staring or doing a double take. Once in a while I might see it. Like once in a while a woman walking toward me might look confused then give me a smile, but most seem to walk right past me without a glance or second thought. Men also seem to think nothing of moving right next to me and if I might say, kinda rudely. However they are way up in my former male self personal zone where guys would have never gone before. Also if I am in the car and my SO goes in the store, I've noticed older guys looking at me right until I glance up at them. Totally a freakish thing to start to notice!

[Kendra]

Holding my new driver license in my hand last October, I was astonished how much positive impact that had.  For years it was just a stupid piece of plastic.  And then something I hated showing when asked, a government "you're been officially clocked" card.  With the update I feel great whenever I see it - I think you'll find the same.

[Stevi]

May I call you Josephine ?

The dress looks great.  I like the long sleeves and the A-line.  I can't do long sleeves, usually, 'cause I am tall and they end up a little too short for long sleeves but not really 3/4 length either.  Just kinda odd.  I find a fuller skirt helps my body shape a bit.  I hope the relationship stabilizes a bit and doesn't go all side ways for you so you can't enjoy the event.

Congrats on the name change progress.  You are a step ahead of me.  I need to do the public notice part then the petition come next.   Yea, the actual name change may turn out to be the easy part.  Then there are all the government agencies and private businesses along with deeds and titles that need to be brought up to speed.

Hope you have a good time with it all,
Stevi

[josie76]

May I call you Josephine ?

The dress looks great.  I like the long sleeves and the A-line.  I can't do long sleeves, usually, 'cause I am tall and they end up a little too short for long sleeves but not really 3/4 length either.  Just kinda odd.  I find a fuller skirt helps my body shape a bit.  I hope the relationship stabilizes a bit and doesn't go all side ways for you so you can't enjoy the event.

Congrats on the name change progress.  You are a step ahead of me.  I need to do the public notice part then the petition come next.   Yea, the actual name change may turn out to be the easy part.  Then there are all the government agencies and private businesses along with deeds and titles that need to be brought up to speed.

Hope you have a good time with it all,
Stevi

Stevi, you can definitely call me Josephine.  Thanks. I like the dress. I'll post pics IF it looks alright on me once I get it. 

In Illinois you file the case in the county court and part of the state documents you fill out is the paper to take to a newspaper that they then use to send back the proof of public notice to either you or direct to the court. The state has a self help web page with the forms for adult name change. My county charged $211 to file the case.

Kendra I definitely want to see my papers showing me as my real self! I am feeling the anticipation building!!

[Stevi]

Josephine,

I am close behind.  I went in this morning and paid my $120 to file for my name change petition.  My 10 day notice is posted and the clerk of the court put it on his calendar to issue the order for my name change on the 30th of April. That is the first business day after the 10 day notice period.  I don't have to be present.  I just need to pick up the order anytime I can after that.  Probably around the 8th or 9th of May.

I really hope you are happy with your new frock.  At least happy enough for us to get a look, too.

Stevi

[josie76]

My dress came. I do like it alot. The light may not be the best in the pic and my hair is a total mess. I was just trying it on so, don't judge lol. 


IMG_20180421_091519437 by Josie H, on Flickr

[josie76]

Things are generally improving in life for me.  I can be happy about that. My wife and I are getting along much better. I hope we have turned a corner and are going to be moving life in a common direction again.

The two of us going to the trans-sponsored prom is still on. 
I got an orchiectomy done last week. It seems to be healing decently. I stopped taking spironolactone which is great. Two things I have noticed: 1- when I take my E tablet my boobs hurt. Not just an ache once in a while, they hurt so I'd say my E dose is being more effective without T and spiro. However the last day or so I started having a few PIMPLES!  Hopefully those fade away after a while. 

[Laurie]

Hi Josie,

  I am glad to read that you and your wife are getting along better. I hope it continues to improve as that can only help with your kids. Congrats on the Orchi and the meds being adjusted.
  I have to be honest and say that I have been remiss in keeping up with your thread. With a lot of threads, truth be told. I've ummm been a bit busy the last many months with various issues. Some pretty bad and others very good. I hope to be doing some catching up though. Hang in the girl and you are looking better than I remember I hope you are feeling a whole lot better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[josie76]

Life sure can do a flip in a hurry.

We did not go to the prom. I was having a lot of discomfort following my orchiectomy from the self dissolving sutures. Then we had a fight.  The days that followed went crazy. If anyone reading this has seen, we moved into a house in another town with my mother-in-law. It was right next to the Catholic school our kids were in this year and close to where my wife was going to school also. It seemed like a decent fit. Things had been mostly OK aside from my wife and my relationship at times. Slowly things changed with my mother-in-law. The longer we lived in the same house the more she shifted to trying to be controlling. My wife and her mom never got along aside from a superficial way. That wasn't the big issue though. My mother-in-law is a textbook narcissist. Every kind action has a price attached to it. Things went very bad very quickly when my wife and I decided we would be looking at taking the kids back to the farm and having them in publicschool in that town next year. Part of this was because the kids are so much happier in the home they had always known and partly because my mother-in-law was affecting them with her actions. All of this came to a head this last week. We actually took the kids out of school before the end of the year this week and moved as much as we could back home. Later that day things got super ugly. My mother-in-law had been messaging my wife until she became sick of dealing with her. Then my mother-in-law began trying to pick at me. During the few days leading up to this she had been telling lies to my son. (I've been his parent since he was 12) These were meant to drive him away from us with suspicion. This helped to push him into a manic-depressive episode that he has yet to recover from.

My wife nearly had to miss her final exam in her last class of this semester. She had to ask the instructor to let her take the test a day later. She passed her class thankfully. With all the stress and distractions of the week I am so happy she pulled it together today.

I also went to court for my name change hearing. I was the last file before lunch. The judge went quickly through the criminal cases with the prosecutor and public defender. All motions and pre trial hearing stuff. Then he got to me. He did not look happy about it.  He opened my file and spent a full five minutes going through every line of my two page filing. I could tell he did not want to give it to me. He found a reason to postpone my request. In Illinois you have to publish for three weeks a legal notice for your case in a paper. The law says it needs to be in a newspaper "published" in the jurisdiction of the court being filed in. His interpretation was that meant the newspaper office needed to be physically located in the county. I had mine published in a large regional paper that covers this county but their office is in one county North of here. I was feeling devastated.  I was on the verge of tears. The judges demeanor toward me started to soften a bit then. He then just said to republish it and return again at least six weeks after the first published date. So FML!!!!!! 
The clerk in the courtroom wrote me a date of August 13th in the hand written datebook. Now I have to get the proper form again with the date on it to send to a paper to republish it. 

My son is still in the hospital. I have to interact with my narcissist mother-in-law soon just enough to get our other belongings and be done with her. And I couldn't even have the name thing go right so I still have to hold off on getting my birth certificate changed. I guess I might as well renew my drivers license with the old name because assuming the judge does sign the name change order in August, I won't be likely to get the new BC back from the state before my next birthday which is when my current license will expire.

Some times it feels like the universe is against you.

[Stevi]

Josie,

Sorry to hear that your road has been quite rough lately.  I do hope things smooth out for you very soon.  That name change glitch really sucks.  What does it accomplish for that judge to be such an @$$ about it all?

Stevi

[Laurie]

Hi Josie,

  Well I have to agree with you things have been lousy for you recently. But I am pretty confident they will swing the other war soon. I will agree about the court nonsense. I am currently waiting to find out my court date. Keep your hopes up Hun. Things will improve.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[josie76]

Life has many twists and turns, ups and down.

Things got worse but now are getting better!
My son: the last time I wrote here he was in the hospital after having a manic episode. Well he is finally about to be released. He ended up getting arrested after he broke a faucet off in the ER. He was kind of out of it and didn't have his glasses on. It was one of those tall goose neck faucet spouts. Anyway an officer tasted him and he spent a week and a half in the county jail. We contacted the state's attorney who got him involuntary commitment to the state run hospital system. This way there would be no charges to face when he was better and the state would keep him until he was actually stable unlike the regular hospital system. He is doing good and looking forward to being home. It is unfortunate that he lost his income and almost lost his car. He may loose it yet. He is going to stay at our house for as long as he needs. He has come to a new understanding about life and what is important during his time stuck in the coo-coo nest. He got better quickly with proper care.

We got an apartment close to my wife's college. The kids are in the local public school there this year. So far they like it. My wife and I have been doing much better with only a few fights. Nothing earth shattering though so that has been good. We are together, mostly anyway. Maybe finding a new equilibrium between personal needs and partner needs. Much less codependency from both of us.

My mother in law however, that crazy narcissist won't let our belongings go. Then she took some of my sons stuff to her house while he was in the hospital. Her goal seemed to be to have him move in with her since we moved out. We are having to file lawsuits in multiple counties against her and still she won't let our property go.

My transition in life has been really moving forward. Staying in this town, no one in the neighborhood thinks anything but that we are a lesbian couple. I have been doing physical therapy again for my back injury. It is supposed to be "work hardening" therapy. The therapist started me doing some work like activities. Putting weight in a basket and doing lift and carry exercises. Problem started quickly. My lower back did not take that kind of activity. I had nerve pain shooting down my leg again at near max levels. After those first few days he switched me up to doing specific stretches and exercises on the gym machines. The idea to strengthen my muscles but not cause me to rotate my lower back or bend too much. This I have been able to do. I leave every day with pain in my leg and foot at about a level 5 but I manage to get through the exercise list. Then I go home to the apartment and lay down for a while. That helps relieve the pressure in my back and reduces the pain radiating down my leg and foot.

In the gym the physical therapists all know I'm trans but none of the patients or regular gym goers see me as anything but the woman I am. That is a great feeling.

I went to my second name change hearing at the county courthouse. This time the judge said all my forms were in order and he signed the order for name change.  At first I was starting to wonder. I swear he just tried me for my reaction. Maybe not. Last time I was there he didn't like the news paper my legal ad was published in. He was really dismissive, like negative towards me. As he explained that my ad wasn't right, his behavior toward me softened. I think he saw I was close to tears. His view of who and what I am shifted that day. This time after checking it all over and signing it, he told the bailiff to walk "HER" over to the circuit clerks office with the signed order. 

I have my temporary drivers license in my purse with both my name and gender corrected. Waiting on the hard copy laminate to come from the state. I have updated most of my medical records at this point. With this last year I have plenty of doctors offices to update.  I have updated my home and auto insurance which also resulted in a slight rate drop for my auto policy. I faxed the info to my health insurance. I still need the permanent drivers license to update my bank accounts, auto loan, and social security. I will be mailing in for my corrected birth certificate next.

I have been researching GCS. I am on a waiting list. I should have a work injury settlement before I can get a surgery date scheduled. So that is in the works at least. I am still considering what aspects of FFS I want to have done and what doctor to go to.

[josie76]

Wow it's been around 6 months since I posted anything here.

Summer went fairly well. My family life is at least stable. My step son got released from the hospital and is now working a part time job living at home with us. The younger kids are in school at our home district. Major drama with my mother-in-law still going on. We are all living back in our house.

The work comp insurance was pushing to get me off of their current roles. That would have meant a settlement and my ability to afford the FFS and GCS I want so badly would have been closer. However I have had continuing pain. I go for an MRI of my spine today and see the ortho Doctor on Friday. I'll find out if there is anything that can still be done about my pain or if I'm just out of luck. 

I am seeing an ENT later in December after getting a sinus CT scan done. It appears my somewhat deviated septum in my nose is very very deviated back in my nasal cavity. This explains why I have lived with 30 years of congestion. I have a few months of COBRA insurance left so I hope to get that fixed very soon. It needs done before I could see most FFS surgeons, although a couple here in the US said they could do it along with the upper FFS procedure.
Namely Dr. Patel in Chicago and Dr. Chernoff in Indiapolis. Neither could likely get my insurance to cover it with doing cosmetic at the same time however.

I have been denied SS Disability twice now. They say my medical records don't prove that I cannot do "substantial work". I'm not sure how you do substantial employment when every single day I do anything, I need to lie down to release the pain in my spine and nerve pain radiating from it. How exactly do I find employment that lets me work only what my body allows? I used to be very active physically. Now I can do next to nothing. It is frustrating and the ever present knowledge that the work comp insurance will stop my weekly checks when they decide I cannot see any further improvement. Without SSD I am not sure how I will make the house payment. The future settlement from my injury can float us for a long time in theory but that remains to be seen.