Despondent - in low spirits from loss of hope or courage.

[2.B.Dana]

I have been going downhill the past few days in ways that I thought had passed. As I awoke this morning I tried to find a word to describe how I was feeling because depressed seemed over used and didn't really touch the tenor of the feeling. The word "despondent" came to mind and when looking up the actually definition it really seemed to fit.

While the intrigue and allure of getting to satisfy the feminine in me has carried me for awhile, I have become really dejected over the whole transgender package. Maybe it boils down to fear I just don't know.

I am about to come out to some very significant people in my life and I really do not want to do it. It feels like I have to stand naked before my world and scream that I failed as a man. The years of trying and doing my very best failed. I literally was not equipped with a brain that could get it done. I could try, but I would never succeed no matter what I did.

It feels at times that the life of a transgender person is mining for bits of happiness in a life filled with pain. Or at least it feels that way at this point. So many sisters who are years down the road say to stay the course that it gets better but....  Right now I just see the pain in my wife, the looming pain I am about to cause in my kids and extended family. My hidden defect is about to turn all their worlds upside down.

I guess I am hanging on by my fingernails to the hope this isn't really my diagnosis. I didn't come from a life of cross dressing like so many do or dream of being a woman my whole life. I came from a life of repressing any expression of female tendencies to a point of explosion. There were obviously tremors along the way but life falling apart in an earthquake only happened in the last year.

The idea of the third gender is really becoming clearer as I learn that we never fully arrive at inclusion in the realm of women. We spend our transition moving from one team to the other but never fully make it. And we truly can't. So many say the journey is better than staying in the "trying to be male" pattern and I guess thats true. The emotional, physical and financial toll of the journey has really hit me.

Hopefully I can shake this heaviness because chasing butterflies in the sun is so much better....

[bobbisue]

  Dana I truly empathize with you I am in a very similar position to you I started HRT june 16 this year  my wife is trying to be supportive but this likely will destroy our marriage I have arranged to have all my kids home next month at which time I will be coming out to my youngest four[my oldest two daughters have lgbtq children so I needed to come out to them sooner]  this has been the source of constant worry and buckets of tears. That being said it is still far better than the alternative as the unthinkable was becoming the only other possibility  Things do get better this is not an easy road we must follow but it is the only one that has the chance of a happy ending
   I wish you all the best in this difficult endeavor


   bobbisue

[KarynMcD]

It feels like I have to stand naked before my world and scream that I failed as a man. The years of trying and doing my very best failed. I literally was not equipped with a brain that could get it done. I could try, but I would never succeed no matter what I did.

Uhmm, being a woman doesn't mean that you "failed" as a man. It just means that you are a female.

[KathyLauren]

I agree with Karyn.  This is not a failure.  You tried unsuccessfully to be what you are not.  You gave it a good try and convinced a lot of people, including perhaps yourself for a while.  Failure would have been to continue living that life of pretense and agony.  Success is what you are contemplating: breaking free from the dysphoria and becoming yourself.

Yes, there may be some difficulties in that process, and having fear over them is normal.  I remember too well the fears that I had to break through in my recent past.  But being yourself is the most courageous thing you can do.

[RobynD]

Yeah i see no failure here either. Nothing against men at all, i love them big time, but they do not own the pinnacle spot of human success. Being trans is hard but most of it in my opinion is hardship caused by societies issues not by our desire to express our true gender.

Pain for your spouse is real but even a percentage of that is based on traditional views that are just not true and reflective of what gender is and how humans operate within the range of that.

You know why more men don't express more femininity? ( and no doubt transgender women do not come out). Its obvious of course but it helped me to think it all out and spell it out. They are afraid of being ridiculed, they are afraid of being bullied, there is fear of being beat up, there is a fear of love rejection, economic loss, the list is long. This is society's issue not ours. We are on the high moral ground here.

We do fully make it to the other team. Totally 100% because that is what we choose for ourselves.

I'm so sorry the toll has hit you. You are definitely not alone and so many of us have shared those low points. There is a future out there though as your authentic self with healed family relationships (although maybe not a marriage to the same person), new friends, and lots of community support.

[Dan]

Dana, you will shake the heaviness. It is only passing through. Those butterflies are still fluttering about in the sunshine waiting to be chased by you.

Hang in there. Touch that butterfly net and remember how you felt with it in your hand chasing those butterflies

[CarlyMcx]

Some food for thought:  I didn't fail at being a man.  I had a great career, two marriages, raised three children, raced bicycles and exotic cars.  No failures there.  No, I am sending Charles out on a high note and retiring his jersey.

If anything, I am a victim of my own success.  I pass easily with new people I meet, but people who knew me before sometimes have a hard time seeing me as a woman because I so well met their expectations as a man.

The end of our manhood is something to celebrate -- trade high fives in the locker room of life, then hang up your jersey and accept your long awaited transfer to the other team.