Stop Being a Man

[JMJW]

"Stop being a man" sounds like vague nonsense to me. For who's peace of mind is it that feminine presenting people should also act "womanly?" When I hear this is pushed by therapists, one can't help but think it's just a way of telling people who don't fall in line that they aren't real women.

[Sophia Sage]

"Stop being a man" sounds like vague nonsense to me. For who's peace of mind is it that feminine presenting people should also act "womanly?" When I hear this is pushed by therapists, one can't help but think it's just a way of telling people who don't fall in line that they aren't real women.

Personally, it was my social dysphoria that was most painful.  I cannot tolerate misgendering.  Can't abide.  So it really depends on what your goals are for transition. 

If you need people to gender you correctly, automatically, without thinking about it, you have to present in accordance with the general schema they have in their heads.  While this is mostly rooted in voice, face, and body... if those are somewhat masculine, it will take a good deal of social skill to overcome.  And when it comes to longer term interactions -- be it an entire evening at a party, or several years in various relationships (including work, hobbies, friends, even lovers), socialization becomes even more important. 

This is not a matter of being "real."  It's a practical matter, not an existential one.

[JMJW]

Personally, it was my social dysphoria that was most painful.  I cannot tolerate misgendering.  Can't abide.  So it really depends on what your goals are for transition. 

If you need people to gender you correctly, automatically, without thinking about it, you have to present in accordance with the general schema they have in their heads.  While this is mostly rooted in voice, face, and body... if those are somewhat masculine, it will take a good deal of social skill to overcome.  And when it comes to longer term interactions -- be it an entire evening at a party, or several years in various relationships (including work, hobbies, friends, even lovers), socialization becomes even more important. 

This is not a matter of being "real."  It's a practical matter, not an existential one.

That should be up to the patient. It's the idea of medical providers in their ivory towers using "lack of progress" in this regard in order to gate keep surgeries from people with body dysphoria that is oppressive. Or people who don't want to take anti androgens for the rest of their lives. They have no right to be telling people how they should be behaving in order to get surgical, or worse, hormonal treatment. As far as I'm concerned, if someone doesn't want to present female but still wants bottom surgery, than it's their life.

[echo7]

"Stop being a man" sounds like vague nonsense to me. For who's peace of mind is it that feminine presenting people should also act "womanly?" When I hear this is pushed by therapists, one can't help but think it's just a way of telling people who don't fall in line that they aren't real women.

The practical reality is that we live in a very binary world, and if you live as a woman but don't act like a woman, you are going to have a very hard time outside of LGBT-friendly bubbles.  Even cis women who don't act like women are given a hard time by others - admonished by men and shunned by women.  How much harder is that going to be for a trans woman?

Some people are ok with the constant struggle.  I guess some even thrive off of it.  But not me.  I've struggled enough in my life.  Even putting aside being transgender for a moment, I am an immigrant to America and a racial minority and faced discrimination as a result of that.  I'm tired of fighting.  I just want to fit in, live in peace, and put this transition behind me.

[suzannemarie]

for me it was emotional stoicism...especially with sadness/grief.
I was an easy cryer when i was a child...and shamed into not expressing it.

there are days where I wish I could let the tears flow...I want to unlearn that icy reservce .I hope the day I am on hormones helps with that.

[Lucy Ross]

Don't a lot of transfolk persist in one degree or another in acting like their birth gender, and get by anyway?  I've only met a few so don't have much to go by.  I'm really interested now in observing cis women's behavior - no one really plays by some given script 100%.  The SOC still seem a bit rooted in this ultra binary past - and of course many just play along with them for necessity's sake, just like they tell therapists what they want to hear.

I smile a lot and genuinely care about how other people feel already, so am off to a good start, right?  Lots of non-verbal gestures from me too - I always did that just to communicate that much more effectively.  It's not mega-butch to do so but I've never cared much what other people thought of me in the first place.

Bought Vitale's book just now - I'd really like to know if she has solid evidence that HRT is a diagnostic tool for GID like she says on her site.

[suzannemarie]

I bought it yesterday and there have been a few points where I said to myself "Yep that is me ."