Sinking into despair again

[Sylvia]

He's gone back abroad to work, after 2 days here (that is generally all we ever get) of lots of talking, cuddling, sex.  We have discussed the hormone issue again and I thought I was starting to understand and even beginning to accept. But now he is not here, and I am back in the depths. I can't stop crying (hiding it from the kids though). I just want to scream and yell STOP THIS, I DON'T WANT THIS! I NEVER WANTED THIS AND NEVER WILL! I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!

He still says he will never transition or present as a woman - he wants to be more feminine, but says he will never wear a dress or skirt - he doesn't even like me in skirts or lots of makeup. He likes quite 'butch' looking women (Martina Navratilova, Sandra Bernhardt, Amelie Mauresmo, his favourite ever is Lauren Bacall). He also loves large breasts, and is rather obsessed with them. He is determined he wants to stay rather androgynous, but reading on here, it seems like so many people only do that as a transient thing and end up with complete transition and that terrifies me.

I can't see any way out. We have discussed compromise, but how the hell can you compromise with something like this? He wants to be happy, but not at the expense of my happiness. I want to be happy but not at the expense of his. We know we love each other madly, and the last two nights the sex has been amazing (and we don't have sex very often normally). I don't want to lose that, I don't want to lose him. Where do we go from here?

[gallinarosa]

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful, but I wanted to say that I also have more trouble dealing when my spouse is away. Somehow the realness of them being right there is comforting. It helps keep the more extreme thoughts at bay. For me anyhow. Not that that helps you but maybe knowing you're not alone and possible why you are "back in the depths" is helpful?

It can get better. The looming is always there, but the present can get more comfortable over time. And your feelings may change as the present progresses. But no matter what, time will help make it easier to accept you new reality.

Keep talking to your spouse as much as you can, even when they're abroad. And maybe see if they have any control over when they go, especially in the beginning here while it is still raw. My SO and I have been texting each other a lot whereas we never did before, just to remind each other all day that the other is still there, literally and figuratively. Sure I wish we were physically together all the time, but it is nice when we are not to still feel togetherness.

Hang in there, Sylvia!
~hugs

[karenk1959]

STOP THIS, I DON'T WANT THIS! I NEVER WANTED THIS AND NEVER WILL! I CAN'T DO IT!!!!!

but reading on here, it seems like so many people only do that as a transient thing and end up with complete transition and that terrifies me.

Where do we go from here?

I am a TG MTF who has been married for 32 years. I only recently realized that I was TG although I occasionally crossdressed in secret for years, in my childhood too. I love my wife and don't want to lose her.

First, you say you never wanted this. More likely your husband never wanted it either. I certainly don't, but realize that is the way I was born. It wasn't in my control or a choice I made.

Second, the posts on this website are primarily made by people who have felt compelled to transition, so of course they will tell you that transitioning is inevitable. You will find very few posts by people like myself who do not want to transition. So take everything you read on this website with a grain of salt. I decided not to transition in order to save my marriage. My wife did not sign up to marry a woman with a penis. I understand that just like I am wired to have female desires, she is wired to be attracted to heterosexual men. I also do not want to be part of the whole TG culture. I also have suffered from lifelong depression, some of which from repressing the TG feelings, but have also read that the depression and suicide rate in TG is felt to be due to the ill effects of discrimination and ridicule. I absolutely don't want to experience more depression than I do now. The trade off for not transitioning is that I suffer from gender dysphoria which absolutely sucks. But I believe it is the lesser of two evils for me.

Hopefully your spouse has a good therapist. It might even be good to go to couple's therapy. As you go on, you both need to hold on to the love you have for each other because this is not easy for either one of you. Be kind to your husband because he is facing a huge struggle with no great resolution. As far as I am concerned, TG sucks. I don't want to be this way! Instead of ruminating on having the wrong anatomy, I try very hard to think instead about how lucky I am to have a loving wife. I only ask that she looks at me as a person and not a TG woman.

Hope this helps

[bethanyz]

i just want to reach out and give you a virtual hug.  i know this is hard on you.  try to see the best in him, even if you don't understand the changes that he's experiencing.   i really think gender therapy would be helpful to both of you. 

everyone's journey is different.  the experiences you read about here have some similarities, but ultimately everyone has their own.  as he's discovering himself and his path, you have to find yours.  hopefully you can find a middle ground that is tolerable to both of you. 

best of luck!

bethanyz

[Sylvia]

Thanks for your replies, it really helps to know I'm not alone. Krenk, you sound like my guy too - it's too much for him to lose and he tells me this all the time. He has also had bouts of depression throughout his life.  I miss him so much, and he's been texting to say the same. We have had this set up with him working away for several years now, but it's so much harder now. I think we have to address that too.