Transition regret? (Trigger warning) - 9 years of transitioning

[1990BA]

Hello,

My name is Adam. I am a 27 year old female-to-male transgender person. I've been on hormones for almost 9 years now. I've suddenly started feeling regret towards transitioning and I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this. I have occasionally browsed these forums over the years but I'm not much of a person who enjoys online interaction. I am very desperate, though, because my new thoughts are making me feel like I have destroyed my life in a way. Also, I need to be completely honest and this is a great way considering no one knows who I am. Only people who have transitioned can slightly get the points I am going to bring up.

*** I am not trying to offend anyone with anything I say. I am seriously looking for help. I don't now if my regret is coming from my true feelings or the fact that being trans in this world is insanely hard and it would've just been easier to remain a woman.***

I was considered an attractive girl growing up. I was always into girls but I refused to ever let that come out. I was also always into typical boy things but once puberty hit, I refused to show anything that might be slightly "male" about me. I became super feminine and had eating disorders (I got so thin my periods stopped on their own). I obviously had a severe issue with my body and how I was being perceived. I would develop deeper feelings for women but I would date men. There is one guy I dated when I was 16 who was an amazing person (regardless of gender) but I couldn't keep up the act when I was forcing myself to look and act a certain way. He was very in love with me, though. I just couldn't keep it up. After that, I started doing drugs and slowly started coming out of my shell. I began to date women. I had very intense relationships with women. These relationships felt much deeper than with men. I felt more comfortable mentally. I still had extreme body issues, though. I didn't like my curves. I developed a serious hatred towards men which I realized later was  just extreme jealousy.

At 18 I started transitioning into male. It felt like an explosion of self understanding. I felt very confident and secure. I couldn't wait for all of the changes to occur. Most of my friends accepted it but none could relate. That was okay. I didn't mind. I was so self assure that I didn't need anyone to understand. As the years went on, I managed to date 3 biological women (I'm bringing up biological for a reason I'll get to in a second). These relationships never felt as real as my relationships pre transition, though. Now I don't know if this is because of age or what but I never felt like I was "enough" in the relationship. All 3 of them ended, I've graduated college, now I'm at my cubicle job having a severe quarter life crisis. It's making me suicidal.

If someone asked me today why I transitioned, I'd say I don't really know. As a child I always wanted to be a boy and I was always pushed into the typical path of a girl. I remember praying to God to turn me into a boy. This was when I was very very young. Obviously, there was something at my core that made me feel this way. Now that I am approaching 30, I'm questioning why wasn't I fulfilled enough with the guy I dated when I was 16 who adored me? He was a great person. I am not happy with my body or mind now so why did I even need to change it? I could've had a nice average life but I needed more. I needed to find something. I feel like this search has led me to a dead-end though. It's so strange. I wouldn't have said any of this a year ago. It's just all of a sudden. Since the new year happened, each month has gotten mentally worse and worse. I seriously just want to die.

I am terrified to approach women. I've had 3 girlfriends and yet I expect rejection. I cannot provide a child to anyone. I have severe anxiety and depression issues. I work for a crappy paycheck in a cubicle. I have nothing to offer anyone. I've built this idea of who I am, tried chasing it, and now I just want to die. Dating women was easier at the beginning of my transition because I was in my late teens/early twenties. Women in their late twenties/early thirties want a partner who can give them children. I can't and never can do that. Why couldn't I just accepted being a girl? I vacillate between having faith in God to believing in nothing. Does life have to feel like an constant challenge?

I've been trying to better myself by working out and eat right but it's not helping. It was at first but as time goes on it's not. I just don't know what's wrong with me. I've been trying to work out the past few days and each time I show up to the gym I just end up being there for less than 10 minutes and then I go home and just get in bed. I've been sitting in my car sobbing tonight. I just feel awful all the time. I feel like I'm holding back. I just cannot handle this thing.  I just want to start over my entire life. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be trans. It's mentally exhausting. I'm constantly telling myself I can't do this or have that because I'm trans. That's what makes me question transitioning. It was supposed to help me feel better. In some ways it has but in other ways it makes me feel like I just intentionally socially/romantically handicapped myself. There's just no winning.

I've had chest surgery and I have more body hair now that I am on testosterone. There's really not comfortably going back and would it be comfortable anyway? I wish I had been born a boy or could've been happy as a woman. Being trans is awful. I don't know how you all have the courage to keep up with the battle for a lifetime. Between inner turmoil and societies hatred, I just want to exit this thing already.

[rmaddy]

I just cannot handle this thing.  I just want to start over my entire life. I just don't think I'm strong enough to be trans.

That's a horrible feeling.  I've been there.  You don't get that choice.  No one does.  Your only choice is what to do now.  5 seconds later you will have a new now, but the rules will be exactly the same.

[Elis]

When I started T I realised quickly that it wasn't the cure all I expected it to be. I still had social anxiety unrelated to being trans so I went to CBT therapy for a few months which helped enormously.  I still get nervous around people which is partly to do with being trans but mainly to do with other issues I have to work on myself. So I've gone back to college to train for a job i actually like and had decided to move out of my parents place to live on my own. The few times I've had to go off T I felt 1000 times worse about myself. You could try it for s bit to see how you'd feel; you'd most likely realise your life is better with it despite the other issues that go along with it.

It sounds like therapy might help you too in order to build up your self esteem and confidence.

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Adam,

Please seek a therapist. Seems like you are depressed, so you need to get help.

It also seems like your regret comes from your perception of the reaction others might have about you not about the way you feel about yourself, if that makes sense. You are kicking yourself and feeling guilty because of this, but would life really be better if you kept it all repressed and kept lying to yourself? You said you started transitioning 9 years ago and only this year you've felt like this. So this is a dark spot in an otherwise successful transition. You'll get through this, but please find a professional to talk to.

[LizK]

Dear 1990BA

Welcome to Susan's

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[JoanneB]

Being trans SUCKS. Plain and simple.

You do a little something about it, you start to feel better, and then WHAM. Ghosts from past. Shame. Guilt. Everyone piles on to open that small crack some GD trigger started. Going it alone, without any sort of a support system such a TG Support group or a for real gender therapist has be to really really tough. At least it would be for me. In the beginning, when I first began to take on the Trans-Beast eight years ago, I had a "WTF Am I Doing " attack ever few months lasting from days to weeks. This past spring, some 8 years later another like super major attack.

Those periods are really dark for me. You figure "Why Bother?" Everything you tried doesn't work. My life doesn't work. "IT" (the GD) is always there. Everything I do is a failure. All that negativity carries into every aspect of life.

What has always helped me is looking back into journal, if I have to, or just keep on reminding myself just exactly how horrible it was BEFORE I took on the Trans-Beast. Just what a lifeless, soulless, miserable, and angry person I was. No Life. No Wishes, No Dreams. Yet afterwards, I not just found, but even experienced Joy. Today, I am still growing as a person and learning more and more just Who the Real Me really is. Not an easy task after a (long) lifetime of not even wanting to see it yourself, much less letting anyone even getting a hint of it.

I am terrified to approach women. I've had 3 girlfriends and yet I expect rejection.

If it's any consolation, there are plenty of guys out there that are the same. Then add in all the shame and guilt about being trans I think you did GREAT having the g/f's that you had already and life has just begun. (Says this still a virgin at 21)

[Kylo]

As I understand it, being born with this condition is not a pleasant thing. It's lousy luck. And there's nothing you can really do about that fact: you either live life feeling wrong and miserable or you chance the change and see if it gets better. But, there's no guarantee for any of us that it will. Being trans is awful. That's the unfortunate reality we're faced with that most people never have to face.

This is something I've always been careful to keep in mind. Far as I'm concerned the risk is worth it because I was not able to live a proper life before. Even if post-transition turns out to be hell, the life beforehand was not complete either. And the ultimate realization for me is that it never will be. I was born with a problem, and nothing will actually solve all the issues of that problem. All I can do is what has to be done at the time to make life bearable. One of the things HRT has done since I began it was to relax my mind enough to make me question if I really hated being female in the past. But I know this is an effect of the hormones causing a state of lowered anxiety, increased confidence and feeling more at ease with myself than I did before. If I stopped the hormones I have no doubt the anxiety would return, the self-loathing along with it. Now if you've been on hormones for a long time this might also be what's happening for you - you may've begun to look favorably on the past because in fact you may be more at ease with yourself and wonder why you went to all the effort to change. But you might not be at this level of ease at all if you hadn't. You could still be in a state of distress.

It sounds like you have a lot of regret for lost relationships. We can all feel that, and sometimes that has nothing to do with being trans, but just giving up on something good because we saw no other way at the time. There's also no guarantee if you weren't trans, it would have lasted or worked out. There really isn't.

You know, I wanted to start my life over constantly when I was a kid. It wasn't a nice home life, trans stuff aside, and every day I'd pretend I was a new person in a new life trying to make a fresh start. I think that's normal when things aren't going well, a coping mechanism. What is it in your life - realistically speaking - that could be improved? Because most things still can be, even if you happen to have this condition. Don't fall into the trap of thinking life would be perfect if you weren't trans. I know plenty of people with awful, sad lives, and to me they have everything to live for, every reason to be happy - compared to me. But everyone has their cross to carry. Everyone.

So what should you look at improving? A new job and a new direction? This can be done. A new relationship? This is possible. New things in life to be passionate about? You can find some. But none of this falls out of the sky, it has to be worked for and tried for. We - all of us here - are all engaged in similar struggles to find meaning and fulfillment in life. Sometimes you do have to stop, take stock, identify the problems and work systematically to eliminate them. I'm tired as well, life has given me as many trials as it has any sort of luck, but life is short. All too soon it will be gone anyway. I might as well see what I can get out of it, and see if these obstacles can be overcome. Turn the anger and dissatisfaction into a positive driving energy - anger is the key. That dissatisfaction can be harnessed in the right way to be productive if you will allow it. What doesn't get you anywhere is too much expectation and a feeling that the world is unfair. It is definitely unfair, but how is that to stop you if you can find a way around it? Some of us are born to have it tougher. Some of us start fifty yards behind the starting line. But that doesn't mean we cannot win the race, especially when we decide where the finish line is.

[rmaddy]

In the beginning, when I first began to take on the Trans-Beast eight years ago, I had a "WTF Am I Doing " attack ever few months lasting from days to weeks. This past spring, some 8 years later another like super major attack.

I had these too.  Panic served on a bed of despair.  The scariest one I ever had was last October, given that it was my only major attack post HRT.  For a long time (2 years), I had assumed they were gone.  Reality check.

I can't speak to your case, of course, but in mine I have chosen to view these spells as crises of identity--something to be dissected, reviewed and hopefully, resolved.  Finding meaning is dreadfully hard in the moment, but the time immediately post-panic is very fertile ground for exploration.  I have a good counselor who has helped immensely during such times.

The last attack followed the typical pattern of a) GO BACK.  (can't)  b) STAY HERE.  (can't)  c)  GO FORWARD  (can't?).  The question mark was only added in after the panic subsided.  Ultimately, I concluded that the episode owed to my tendency to work on my transition without addressing my body.  In addition to other factors not here discussed, it ultimately laid the ground work for my surgical decision making this year.

I don't think I've seen the last of these episodes, but going forward, my intention is to hunker down with support when they strike and not deal with them until after the emotional flooding has receded.

YMMV.

Renae

[SadieBlake]

Hey Adam, you say nobody here knows you, bit we do, you are us.

Now I'm only a few months post-op and who knows, I may have severe regret in the years to come. And as much as I wish I'd realized before puberty that I'm trans and that there had been a way for a young teen in 1970 to think of transition, the fact is I never heard of anyone transitioning before Wendy Carlos went public about her transition I'm 1978.

Yet I also worry for people transitioning young. Honestly it sounds to me like you could be a lesbian - not that that doesn't carry its own difficulties as a path. Still it feels like you didn't take a lot of time to explore that.

My own feelings aren't overwhelming in this, having wrestled with being trans for nearly 20 years before starting HRT, I fully expected that there would be things I'd miss about being sexually male. And yes, sometimes I miss the <shenis> and I surely miss the experience of ejaculation, the simplicity of male sexual drive. I don't at all miss the simpler emotions.

I hope you can find some help. I get that exercise would be a good palliative and that it's stopped working so soon. Still, try to get exercise, it will surely help to stay active, doesn't have to be in a gym, walking works too.

You sound like the rare guy I could relate to, perhaps you will be happier in a nonbinary place. I wonder how did hrt alone feel for you -- it's so hard for me to imagine feeling better on T, but then I never understood men when I nominally was one. One thing I think those of us who transitioned share is having walked both sides. I surely know how my mind worked before HRT and that I'm happier after. The little bit of empathy I do have for male identified people is an understanding that I was different before and I know at least intellectually that for men that's a happier bplace.

[1990BA]

Thank you to everyone who wrote to me. You all brought up very valid points that made me think about all this.

I do believe I didn't give myself enough time before I transitioned. It did all happen very fast but it's been almost 8 years and I haven't regretted it until now. After graduating college last December, I've spiraled into a very real quarter life crisis. I can't stop thinking about the past at all. When I decided to transition, I was totally focused on the future. Now I feel like I don't have a future.

I am *very* hairy and I have a very low voice. I don't think there is a way for me to try to detransition. It will never be the same, anyway. One transition is enough. I wish I wasn't feeling this way. I hoping it will just pass. I don't know if I am obsessing over all of the "what ifs" from the past or if I am truly regretting my decision.

[JennyBear]

    First and foremost, I hope the support you find here gives you hope and lifts your spirits, even if it doesn't provide the solutions to your problems. Never forget that your emotions, including self loathing, doubt and despair, are valid because they are human emotions. One thing you can be sure of, especially on this forum is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

   Self loathing and self hatred take many forms and for many different reasons. This is a problem faced by many people, not just those that are GBLTQ. There is nothing wrong with self doubt. It means you are thinking before you act at the very least. The downside of self loathing is that regardless of your chosen path, it is impossible to truly be happy. If you are not happy with yourself, its extremely difficult to make others happy around you, especially a significant other.

    Regarding rejection: For one reason or another, I've had over a hundred failed relationships (counting high school ones) and even a failed engagement. I've been rejected hundreds of times. It took decades of becoming comfortable with my self and waiting for someone that will accept me and my flaws to find the love of my life. We've been married for 13 years now. Rejection always hurts and can cause anxiety and fear. One way to overcome that is to take on the mindset that if they reject you for a superficial reason (such as your physique,) they weren't good enough for you in the first place. There is someone out there for you that will accept and love you for who you really are, regardless of your transition status, as long as you treat them right. It just make take a while to find them.

    No one but you can determine if transitioning or de-transitioning (and yes as long as you haven't had bottom surgery, it's possible, I've had to do it myself at one point, starting over now,) is the right path for your life. While those pesky "What Ifs" can provide insight and inspiration on how to proceed in the future, no one will know for sure if they would have had a better outcome. All you can do is control what you do in the present. Transitioning and being LBGTQ is always going to be a harder life than straight cisgender. I don't know that any of us wished for the added difficulty. But as with most things in life, the harder the struggle and the more patience required, the more satisfying the outcome when you finally succeed. If your true self is "male" then that may well be your path. There are also plenty of transgenders that either don't transition, or stop part way for a multitude of reason. They are all valid in their choices. What works for one may very well be the worst course of action for another. We are all here to help with the obstacles you face, so don't give up hope. Do us all a favor and look in the mirror, tell yourself that you are valid as a person, people love you, and give yourself a hug. Stay Safe.

    HUGS!

[CarlyMcx]

Let's look at things from the other side for a moment:  I am assigned male at birth.  I spent 50 years suppressing my true female self and 30 years as an adult trying to be the best man I could be in order to date women, marry them, have children.  Now, two marriages, one son and two stepdaughters later:

For my entire forties, anxiety, panic attacks, high blood pressure and stress related illnesses almost destroyed my sanity and almost killed me.  At 53 I had to transition to save my life and my sanity.  My kids grew up to be great adults, but the price I paid for suppressing my true self in order to have what I thought of as "a normal life" was murderously high.  And until recently I never related to my wife, my ex or my kids as my true self.

Do I have pangs of regret?  Yes I do sometimes.  My wife misses "the old me."  Sometimes I miss him too.  If he was a separate person I would like him an awful lot.  But at the end of the day, he was not real.  He was one girl's idea of what the ideal guy should be and the pressure of putting on a performance in order to portray him 24/7/365 was killing me.

If you are in fact transgender, suppressing your truth in order to have the relationship you want is a really bad idea.  But I do not know you, I know only what is in your post, so I have no way of knowing if you are transgender or if you are a butch lesbian who transitioned in order to be more attractive to women or if you are someone else entirely.

What I do know is that you have some internal conflict and you may need help from a therapist to resolve it.

What I also know is that you cannot truly love someone if you cannot be yourself and cannot be at peace with yourself.  Before you can find that ideal someone else, you need to find yourself and you have not really done that yet.  Ask yourself who you would be if there were no impetus to end loneliness, no pressure, internal or external, to have a relationship, no demands, no priorities except for you.  A big part of why you feel lonely is because you aren't there for you.  You are looking for someone else to do that job.

I have a suggestion:  that guy you knew when you were 16, who is he and where is he now?  It seems like he was in some ways the love of your life.  If you can gain a clear understanding about what it was about him that attracted you, then you will be farther along in understanding yourself. There was a girl in high school that I had a huge head over heels crush on.  Took me 5 years to get over.  It took me 35 years to realize that the reason I wanted her so bad was that I wanted to be her.

The answers you are looking for are in your heart and in your head.  But you need to clear away a lot of noise in order to find them. 

[Allie24]

To start, if you do make the decision to detransition, it will be about as hard as it was to transition in the first place and you may begin to have thoughts about re-transitioning.

I recommend a good deal of soul-searching. Don't make any decisions yet, give yourself a year to consider your options. Go off of T, or drop to a lower dosage, if you like. Find a therapist and talk to them about your history with your body issues and relational issues and work all of that out. Also, look into blogs and videos by detransitioned females, hear their stories, see if you can relate and decide for yourself if that is the path you choose.

It sounds to me that it is possible that you have a great deal of internalized homophobia, and have struggled with the constricting gender roles that many women grow up struggling with. Discussing that with a therapist could also be beneficial.

I am a huge advocate for DBT and CBT. They help patients with a variety of mental illnesses and could help you as well.

And a good old fashioned pros and cons list never hurt.

I'm sorry this path has not been everything you had hoped it would be. I wish you the best in wherever life takes you from here. Stay safe and do what will ultimately be best for you. There is no pressure here to continue transition or to stop altogether. None of us are qualified to make that call. That is up to you.

The hard thing about T is that it causes some very permanent changes. But take it from someone who has experienced 9 years of male puberty: it's not too late for you to go back. You can still be as beautiful as you were then, and possibly even more so, since it might mean you are a happier individual. You can even get your female voice back if you train it. I'm sure there are plenty other videos for de-transitioned women discussing how to restore feminine characteristics.

Hopefully you find some of this helpful. Good luck<3

[JennyBear]

To start, if you do make the decision to detransition, it will be about as hard as it was to transition in the first place and you may begin to have thoughts about re-transitioning.

    So true. Due to concerns over finances and my kids, I de-transitioned a little over 10 years ago to go back in the Army. I then lost my window of opportunity and had to wait until my kids were old enough to explain it to them. I'm now on my 4th (and last) trip through puberty. Doesn't matter which way you go, towards male or female. There's a lot of work and suffering that comes with either. It's all worth it in the end though. Stay safe and strong.

HUGS!

[Nevoxia]

"Triggers", indeed.

Reading your post, as well as those who have sympathized with you, is very tragic and my heart goes out to you. Really, truly, I felt like I wished I could do something to help you, or comfort you, as I was reading it.

I was born male, still completely living as male, but in some ways the things you described sounds like my life even as I never transitioned. I guess that sounds weird. But it also scares me because that is how I imagine I will feel in the future if I do proceed with my transition. It seems like this is one of those things that has no answer. I think life does just suck, for most everyone, but especially for transgendered people. I can't imagine how anyone can have so much strength as to even make it this far.

[Allison S]

I'm a 27 year old cis male (started hormones recently) and I can really relate.  Is it quarter life crisis?  I think about relationships and careers and my future and it depresses me.  I guess because I decided transitioning (very slowly) after so long it seems like a separate issue to me.

I have my doubts about being a transgender female. If I could choose to be a cis female I would take that because I know what I identify.  I think I do at least.

I've read and seen videos about people detransitioning and I think if that's necessary and needed then it should be done. It's not a mistake because you're going back to what you already were and there's no right or wrong way of being. It's what feels right for you!

As scary as it feels going through a quarter life crisis, there is a future. We make our future and I decided when I got a dwi that I want to fix my problems. I'll admit that was a push for me, and being in jail for a whole day too.

What keeps me going with transitioning is thinking about myself with long hair and that I wouldn't want a beard. I look at myself and I see someone I trapped inside of me. Yes, society is difficult and people are (mostly) ignorant. But this is something that I've done to myself and have always been in denial about. I don't really blame myself, but I do feel a sense of guilt over having not started transitioning earlier. What was I so afraid of that I'm not now? It's upsetting that I wasn't my authentic self thus far but I don't want to dwell on it either. I think for me, life would have been easier had I started transitioning years ago.