Faith's Progress

Laurie · January 17, 2019, 11:17:31 PM

Well hell, Faith, with all the attention you have stirred up you don't need my thoughts. I do have to join the choir though and say you are wrong about your picture as you almost always are. You look very nice it that picture and those others I have seen on faceplant.
I can understand your difficulties with those damn mirrors. But you know something? It will get better. You will see that not only will it get better, but that is has already gotten better from what it was when you first got here. You have made so much progress in accepting who you are already. That damn mirror is only one of the problems you have had and like others, this too shall pass. Welcome back Faith.
Do you want to know what I see in my mirrors? Well, I am going to tell you anyway. Sometimes it's a her, as the lingo goes, and sometimes it's a him. But what I see almost all of the time now is ME. And I am good with that. I am me, doing life as I want to do it and it doesn't matter at all what anyone else sees, as long as they do not disrespect who I am. Perhaps you can get to that point yourself someday Faith. I think you can do it. I have Faith in you and I see Faith too.

Love and hugs to you and that sweet lady at your side. Lori is your strength. Follow her lead.

Laurie

Northern Star Girl · January 17, 2019, 11:46:45 PM

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Be sure to pay attention to what my good friend @Laurie wrote to you in her comments. Her thoughts are right on the mark and can apply to all of us here on the Forums.

Again, listen to you wife... she knows you best... but do know that your followers are also your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success.

Hugs and as always, well wishes,
Danielle

Faith · January 18, 2019, 06:46:29 AM

No I'm not better today. The list for yesterday is long compounded by days before. It ended with getting home, realizing the jewel had come off of one of my studs, the shank had pulled back into my ear. I had to force it back through .. OWWW .. and then drive around to find someplace that had one that would screw into it. Being not quite 2 weeks into healing you cannot simply pull it out and insert another. Well, you can but you don't want to!

If someone lives in SW Florida and wants the name of a very nice Tattoo and Piercings place PM me and I'll tell you. A very nice gentleman went out of his way to find a fix for me. He spent more time with me than my initial piercer did (is piercer a word?). Yes, the initial piercing was also done at a Tattoo and Piercing shop. I dislike the chain store quick places.

As for my looks, I'm sure I've recounted this before. My self-image sucks. When I get complimented I feel that they are just being kind ... and I crash. When I'm criticized (even mildly) I take it to heart ... and I crash. When I hear nothing, I feel isolated, alone, ignored ... and I crash.

All of you have been very kind in your comments and compliments. What I feel is no ones fault but my own.

steph2.0 · January 18, 2019, 07:07:09 AM

Ya know, I'm not much for advice - either giving it or accepting it. I have the same kind of crashes. I've noticed lately, though, that they don't go as deep or last as long. Maybe it just takes time - and yeah, I used to hate it when people told me that, too. Still do. I want it all, I want it now, and I want it delivered for free. So about the best I can do is assure you that I know what it feels like, it sucks, and (sorry) it gets better.

I'll add that your feelings aren't anyone's fault. They just are. You're being you. We all love you regardless.

Oh, and I think it's "piercivist."

Stephanie

TonyaW · January 18, 2019, 07:52:07 AM

Hey Faith

Sorry to hear of your rough patch.

Hopefully venting on here helps you work through that. Lots of sympathetic ears here. Sure we're all being nice, but we ain't lying to you about what we see.

If I remember right, you are just now getting to the point of HRT where the physical softening starts to be noticeable. Its tough. You know it takes time, but that dysphoria bitch keeps wanting it yesterday.
Do whatever you need to get through it. Keep going, yesterday is getting closer.

Be Well

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Faith · January 18, 2019, 08:08:31 AM

yes Steph and Tonya, my logical mind agrees. Unfortunately, it's this 2nd puberty emotional mind that has control.

TonyaW · January 18, 2019, 08:27:50 AM

That is the struggle and those 2nd puberty hormones and all their no longer repressed emotions can make things seem worse at times. You've got your rock to lean on and us to yell at. You'll make it.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

Northern Star Girl · January 18, 2019, 11:24:51 AM

@Faith
Dear Faith:
Hello there on this stormy Friday, I don't have much to say today other than I am always happy to see you logged into the forums and I especially enjoy seeing you posting on your thread.

Love ya girl.... keep on keeping on.
Hugs and as always well wishes to you.
Danielle

Faith · January 18, 2019, 11:58:22 AM

Quote from: Steph2.0 on January 18, 2019, 07:07:09 AM...Oh, and I think it's "piercivist." ...

No, I think that one of the knightesses of the round table (inlaid with two rainbows end to end)

Donica · January 18, 2019, 12:07:00 PM

Hi Faith! I don't recall how long you have been on HRT. I gather from the post from all your friends that you are just now beginning to see the physical changes? Yes the 2nd puberty HRT emotional rollercoaster can be difficult navigate. It really does get easier with time. The rollercoaster still gets me down at times but as Stephanie mentioned, they become less frequent, less intense and less time consuming. Soon that person (pretty girl) staring back at you in the mirror is going to start smiling at you.

Hugs Faith!

Faith · January 18, 2019, 12:14:25 PM

Quote from: Donica on January 18, 2019, 12:07:00 PM
Hi Faith! I don't recall how long you have been on HRT. I gather from the post from all your friends that you are just now beginning to see the physical changes? Yes the 2nd puberty HRT emotional rollercoaster can be difficult navigate. It really does get easier with time. The rollercoaster still gets me down at times but as Stephanie mentioned, they become less frequent, less intense and less time consuming. Soon that person (pretty girl) staring back at you in the mirror is going to start smiling at you.

Hugs Faith!

My first Estradiol was near the end of February 2018. Spiro a few months after. I have the actual dates saved somewhere. I'll have to put my HRT timeline back into my sig. I'm fast approaching my 1 year mark. I think I'll set Feb 1st as my new-birth day

JanePlain · January 18, 2019, 09:35:59 PM

Quote from: Faith on January 17, 2019, 01:32:09 PM
no, she's right. I look like crap. I should never have posted it.

Honest Faith you look great. Don't be down on yourself. Are you having a problem with depression? Sorry to be so direct but if you are your ahhh (cough) not alone.

Faith · January 19, 2019, 10:52:10 AM

Quote from: JanePlain on January 18, 2019, 09:35:59 PM... Are you having a problem with depression? ....

almost daily 🙁

JanePlain · January 19, 2019, 08:12:49 PM

Depression can be really.... depressing. I urge anyone who thinks they are dealing with that or anxiety to sit down with their GP and talk about how best ways to deal with it. She/He can suggest a good TDoc and various meds that DO help. *You may have to try a few different ones to get the right ones. Untreated it feels like swimming with a brick in each hand.

Faith · January 19, 2019, 08:29:14 PM

I avoid meds like the plague ... except my girly meds

I talk to my live in therapist. It really helps that we speak completely openly about everything. Agreement not necessary, clearing the air and getting it out is.

Since I came out there hasn't been anything that is harder to talk about than it was to come out to her. It's all uphill from here, that's why it's slow.

The biggest issue will likely never be resolved. We'll either live with it or we won't, time will tell. Briefly .. she's not a lesbian and I'm a girl.

My private struggle (well, meaning it's mine to resolve, she knows and tries to help) is this imbalance of Girl Brain vs. Male shape and male face and male bits. All of us know and understand that struggle. Which one depresses me more is hard to tell. I think I dwell on the male exterior most, the other hits very hard when it rears up.

Faith · January 20, 2019, 07:44:41 PM

Today was a good day. It started by putting on a white sweater top and combining it with a red mini skirt. I then wore it to deliver coffee to Lori (she was around the corner sitting with our granddaughter. It made for a great start to the day.

That set of clothes didn't last long, it was freakin' cold today. I changed into jeans. Then there was a coffee drop on the top - into the wash that went and a different top went on. Covered that up with my new wind breaker jacket to go for a dog walk.

Most of the day was spent tending a small fire we started to burn out a tree trunk. Very windy, had to watch it close. While Lori and the little ones were off on the go-carts the import granddaughter (14) came out. Nothing special until I started talking a little about me. That opened the door. I let her know that I'm open to all questions, reserving the right to not answer due to her age.

We really had a good talk and covered a lot of topics. I think I helped ease her a bit. Specifically she asked how I knew, whether I planned on an operation or not, and I talked about my mood swings and depression. She kind of got a kick out of the fact that I'm about her age in puberty changes 😛

Another good thing that we discussed. I brought up the depression caused by my 'guy look'. She just looked at me and said, "You don't look like a guy, you look like a girl". To top that, we hosted her 14th birthday a week or so back and she brought to gal friends with her. She said that both of them thought that I was a girl until she introduced me and told them about me.

There's more, too much to type. It can be summed up the same way that I started ... Today was a good day.

ChrissyRyan · January 20, 2019, 07:48:22 PM

Quote from: Faith on January 20, 2019, 07:44:41 PM
Today was a good day. It started by putting on a white sweater top and combining it with a red mini skirt. I then wore it to deliver coffee to Lori (she was around the corner sitting with our granddaughter. It made for a great start to the day.

That set of clothes didn't last long, it was freakin' cold today. I changed into jeans. Then there was a coffee drop on the top - into the wash that went and a different top went on. Covered that up with my new wind breaker jacket to go for a dog walk.

Most of the day was spent tending a small fire we started to burn out a tree trunk. Very windy, had to watch it close. While Lori and the little ones were off on the go-carts the import granddaughter (14) came out. Nothing special until I started talking a little about me. That opened the door. I let her know that I'm open to all questions, reserving the right to not answer due to her age.

We really had a good talk and covered a lot of topics. I think I helped ease her a bit. Specifically she asked how I knew, whether I planned on an operation or not, and I talked about my mood swings and depression. She kind of got a kick out of the fact that I'm about her age in puberty changes 😛

Another good thing that we discussed. I brought up the depression caused by my 'guy look'. She just looked at me and said, "You don't look like a guy, you look like a girl". To top that, we hosted her 14th birthday a week or so back and she brought to gal friends with her. She said that both of them thought that I was a girl until she introduced me and told them about me.

There's more, too much to type. It can be summed up the same way that I started ... Today was a good day.

Faith,

This does indeed sound like a good day. 🙂

Good for you!

Chrissy

KathyLauren · January 20, 2019, 07:48:34 PM

Faith, I am happy that today was a good day for you. Your granddaughter sounds like good therapy for you. 🙂 It is always good to have good connections with family, especially if their feedback makes you feel good.

Anne Blake · January 20, 2019, 08:07:56 PM

Hi Faith, I don't want you to stop telling of your experiences, which ever way they are felt. But I do love the ones that are so positive! This was indeed a good day!

We look forward to seeing you next week,
Tia & Deb

NatalieRene · January 20, 2019, 08:22:08 PM

Quote from: Faith on January 17, 2019, 01:32:09 PM
no, she's right. I look like crap. I should never have posted it.

Oh my no! In no way would I say you look like crap. No beating up on yourself allowed! Confidence starts with Self Confidence. You look good, time will take care of some of the things you see and the rest simply are. It doesn't matter if you don't match the ideal shape for a woman. Cis woman struggle with this all the time. My baby sister is half a inch taller then me and I have seen my sisters friends struggle about this and that over the years growing up.

I was simply suggesting you should improve your posture. Ladies shouldn't slouch.

Plus smile, nothing helps lift the spirits like smiling.